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Beziehungstipps

 

Inhaltsverzeichnis (verbergen)

  1. 1. Zitate zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Quotes on relationship advice
    1. 1.1 Zitate allgemein
    2. 1.2 General quotes
    3. 1.3 Quotes – Movie As Good As It Gets
  2. 2. Englische Texte – English section on Relationship advices
    1. 2.1 Part I: Basics of relationships – Jed Diamond
    2. 2.2 PART II: – Distinguishing healthy relationships from addictive relationships – Jed Diamond
    3. 2.3 Part III: – Groundwork for healthy relationships – Jed Diamond
    4. 2.4 Part IV: – Finding one's love partner – Jed Diamond
    5. 2.5 Part V: – Keeping love alive – Jed Diamond
    6. 2.6 Healthy love'Love' addiction – Jed Diamond
  3. 3. Gender research
    1. 3.1  Hardly known empirical data about gender differences – Jed Diamond
    2. 3.2  Empirical data on gender-specific brain differences – Louann Brizendine
  4. 4. Relationship data and concerns
    1. 4.1 Behaviors of long-term successful relationship partners
    2. 4.2 Four essential stages of a dating relationship
    3. 4.3 Dangerous relationships
    4. 4.4 Mature undivided love ⇔ immature divided romance
    5. 4.5 Taking up slow love – ending toxic low criteria relationships
    6. 4.6 Men shamed by women ♦ women frightened by men
    7. 4.7 Insights derived from 50 years of observing men
  5. 5. Women's concerns
    1. 5.1 Ten core values for evolving women
  6. 6. Links zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Relationship advice
    1. 6.1 Literatur
    2. 6.2 Literature (engl.)
    3. 6.3 Externe Weblinks
    4. 6.4 External web links (engl.)
    5. 6.5 Audio- und Videolinks
    6. 6.6 Audio and video links (engl.)
    7. 6.7 Interne Links

 

Weihnachtsstern

Wir irrten uns aneinander.
Es war eine schöne Zeit.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

Ich fürchte nichts – nichts –
als die Grenzen deiner Liebe.

Friedrich von Schiller (1759-1805)

Güte in den Worten erzeugt Vertrauen,
Güte beim Denken erzeugt Tiefe,
Güte beim Verschenken erzeugt Liebe.

Laotse (604-531 v. Chr.), Tao te King, Kapitel 8


 

Zitate zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Quotes on relationship advice

Zitate allgemein

Persönliche Bekenntnisse


Blauer Schmetterling
  • Liebe besteht nicht darin, dass man einander ansieht, sondern dass man gemeinsam in die gleiche Richtung blickt. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1900-1944) französischer Flieger, Schriftsteller

 

 

  • 'Ohne Du ist das Ich unmöglich.' [Martin Buber, jüdischer Religionsforscher und -philosoph] Nur wenige begreifen, dass jedes Ich beziehungsgeboren ist. [...] Unsere narzisstische Schädigung kann als Ergebnis eines Mangels an bestätigenden Spiegeln in der Kindheit angesehen werden. Zwiegespräche sind "nachholende Sozialisation". Der Partner "validiert meine Selbstdarstellung". So verstehe ich, wer ich bin. Michael Lukas Moeller (1937-2002) deutscher Professor für Seelische Gesundheit (1973-1983), Psychoanalytiker, Paartherapeut, Autor, Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit. Das Paar im Gespräch, S. 273, rororo Sachbuch, 1988, 31. Auflage 2010

 

  • Geliebt wirst du einzig, wo du schwach dich zeigen darfst, ohne Stärke zu provozieren. Theodor W. Adorno (1903-1969) deutscher internationaler Sozialphilosoph, Soziologe, Musiktheoretiker, Komponist, Gesellschaftskritiker, Begründer und Hauptvertreter der Frankfurter Schule, im amerikanischen Exil verfasste philosophische Schrift Minima Moralia, 1951

Literatur-/Film-/Dokumentations-Zitate – Humorvolle Zitate

  • Manchmal fühle ich mich zu zweit nicht ganz wohl.
    Es gibt Leute, bei denen fühle ich mich wie ein Brillant, der von einem Huhn verschluckt worden ist.
    Andere glotzen mich an, als ob ich ein Huhn wäre, das einen Brillanten verschluckt hat.
    Gewiss sind mir jene am angenehmsten, mit denen ich Umgang habe als Brillant unter Brillianten.
    Und doch vermisse ich nicht selten die, mit denen ich reden könnte: ganz einfach von Huhn zu Huhn.
    Wjatscheslaw Kuprijanow (*1939) russischer Mathematiker, Sprachwissenschaftler, Übersetzer, Lyriker, Wie man eine Giraffe wird, Wiessach im Tal, 1989

General quotes

Personal avowals

  • No, I do not want to be loved unconditionally.
    I want to be shown when I am treating you less than you deserve.
    I want you to leave it I ever start making you promises I do not see through.
    Love me for my flaws, yes, but don't you dare ever allow them to hurt you.
    Beau Taplin, Australian self-publishing author, A little known fact of longing, date unknown

 


Embrace

Recommendations

  • Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us. Pablo Neruda (1904-1973) Chilean politician, poet, writer, Nobel laureate in literature, 1971

 

 

  • Advice for men:
    Rule #1 – Don't be a dick.
    Rule #2 – Don't be a pussy.
    Life motto – Be a good guy.
    Keith Witt, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, counselor, speaker, author, 2 Rules for Guys, YouTube film, 3:20 minutes duration, posted 9. October 2012

 

  • Advice for women:
    Rule #1 – Don't be a (hot or cold) bitch.
    Rule #2 – Don't be a doormat.
    Life motto – Be a great woman.
    Keith Witt, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, counselor, speaker, author, 2 Rules for Women, YouTube film, 3:02 minutes duration, posted 11. January 2013  

 

  • Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Frida Kahlo (1907-1954) Mexican painter, best known for her self-portraits, to Ms. Marty McConnell, provided by Marty McConnell

 

  • You don't get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love. Iyanla Vanzant [Rhonda Eva Harris] (*1953) US American lawyer, New Thought teacher, Yoruba priestess, inspirational speaker, life coach, television personality, author, source unknown

  • A woman's highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source;
    her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from soul and leave him aimlessly wandering.
    A man's highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.
    Man's lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman.
    Wisdom of the Cherokee, North American Indian tribe

 

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Women are the guardian of connection, men are connectable by instruction.

 

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Forms of love: demanding love ♦ difficult invitation to affection

Naming love too early

  • Most of our heartbreak comes from attempting to name who we love or what we love or the way we love far too early in the journey of discovery. We can never know to begin with, in giving ourselves to a person, to a work, to a marriage or to a cause, exactly what kind of love we are involved with. When we demand a certain specific kind of reciprocation before the revelation has flowered completely we almost always find ourselves bereft and in that grief miss the particular form of love that is actually possible but that did not meet our initial and too specific expectations. Feeling bereft we take our identity as one who is disappointed in love, our almost proud sense of disillusionment preventing us from seeing the lack of reciprocation from the person or the situation as simply a difficult invitation into a deeper and as yet unrecognizable form of affection. Loving, it seems, always becomes a path of humble apprenticeship, not only in following its difficult way and discovering its different forms of humility and beautiful abasement but strangely, through its fierce introduction to its many astonishing and different forms, where we are asked continually and against our will, to give in so many different ways, without knowing exactly, in what way, or even when, the gift will be returned. David Whyte (*1955) US American poet, November Thoughts, Facebook comment, November 2013

 


Hugging cats
  • Mindfulness is being an adult. It is unattainable for someone who lacks inner cohesion, personal continuity, and integration. Being a fair witness requires a healthy ego, because distance and objectivity are unavailable to someone with poor boundaries, no tolerance of ambiguity, and no sense of a personal center.
    Mindfulness can be either consciousness without content (pure awareness with no attention to any particular issue or feeling) or consciousness with content (attention without ego intrusions, called mindfulness of the mind).
    Mindfulness is a courageous venture because it is trusting that we have it in us to hold and tolerate our feelings, to grant them hospitality no matter how frightening they seem, to live with them in equipoise. We then discover a strength within us that is equivalent of self-discovery. From that self-esteem comes effective relating with others. Because mindfulness leads us to let go of ego by letting go of fear and grasping, it is an apt tool for relating. It makes us present to others, without the buffers of the neurotic ego.
    We simply stay with someone as he/she is, noticing not judging. We take what a partner does as information without having to censor or blame. In doing this we put space around and event rather than crowding it with our own beliefs, fears, and judgments. Such mindful presence dress us from constricting identification with another’s actions. A healthy relationship is one in which there are more and more such spacious moments.
    Mindfulness is not meant to help us escape reality but to see it clearly, without the blinding overlays of the ego.
    Mindfulness is inherent in human nature. We were built to pay attention to reality. Indeed, paying attention is a survival technique. Over the years, though, we learn to escape reality and take refuge in illusory sanctuaries built by and ego frightened of reality. We notice that it is easier to believe what will make us feel better, and we feel entitled to expect that others will be what we need them to be. These are man-made chains that look like links to happiness. But once we commit ourselves to experience divested of ego wishes and attachments, we begin to act straightforwardly, becoming truthful with one another.
    The healthy ego is the part of us that can observe self, situations, and persons, assess them; and respond in such a way as to move towards our goals. It assists us in relationships by making us responsible and sensible in our choices and commitments.
    The neurotic ego, on the other hand, is the part of us that is compulsively driven or stymied by fear or desire, feeding arrogance, entitlement, attachment, and the need to control other people. Sometimes it is self-negating and makes us feel we are victims of others. This neurotic ego is the one we are meant to dismantle as our spiritual task in life.
    The neurotic ego wants to follow the path of least resistance. The spiritual Self wants to reveal new paths.
    Childhood forces influence present choices, for the past is on a continuum with the present. Early business that is still unfinished does not have to be a sign of immaturity; rather, it can signal continuity. Recurrence of childhood themes in adult relationships gives our life depth in that we are not superficially passing over life events but inhabiting them fully as they evolve. Our past becomes a problem only when it leads to a compulsion to repeat our losses or smuggles unconscious determinants into our decisions. Our work, then, is not to abolish our connection to the past but to take it into account without being at tis mercy. The question is how much the past interferes with our chances at healthy relating and living in accord with our deepest needs, values, and wishes.
    Every person needs the nourishment of food throughout life. Likewise, a psychologically healthy person needs the sustenance of the five A'sattention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. It is true that unmet needs for the five A's in childhood cannot be made up for later in life, in the sense that they cannot be fulfilled so absolutely, so immediately, or so unfailingly. That absolute, immediate fulfillment of needs by one person is appropriate only to infants.
    But needs can be fulfilled, in short or longterm installments, throughout life. The problem is not that we seek gratification but that we seek too much of it all at once. What we did not receive enough of before, we cannot receive enough of now; what we did receive enough of before, we can receive enough of now.
    We do not outgrow our early needs. Rather they become less overwhelming, and we find less primitive ways to fulfill them. For example, an infant may need to be cradled and carried, while an adult may be satisfied with a supportive remark and a kindly glance. Sometimes a lifelong need can be fulfilled by just such little moments of mindful love. David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., US American psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, writer, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, Shambhala, 1st edition 18. June 2002

 

  • Here are the words of an adult: "Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don't know whether I will ever find somone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level. […]
    Here are the words of a codependent:
    "Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I can't let you go – even though you do not meet me at my soul/adult level. David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T., US American psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, writer, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, Shambhala, 1st edition 18. June 2002

 

  • Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. Margaret Mead (1901-1978) US American cultural anthropologist, sociologist, biologist, lecturer, popular writer, source unknown

 

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Terrified from authentic love

  • ➤ Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them.
    ➤ Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through.
    ➤ Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another – they have more individuation work to do first.
    ➤ Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives – they have another path and purpose to walk first.
    ➤ Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true.
    ➤ Sometimes it has nothing to do with us.
    ➤ Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe.
    ➤ Sometimes they know something we don't – they know their limits at that moment in time.
Real love is no easy path – readiness is everything.
➤ May we grieve loss without personalizing it.
➤ May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.
Jeff Brown, M.A., Canadian lawyer, psychologist, body-centered psychotherapist, author, Facebook comment, 1. January 2014

 

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Processing loss – Women vs. men

  • Women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man. A brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy followed by many years of lactation for an ancestral woman, while the man may have 'left the scene' literally minutes after the encounter, with no further biological investment. It is this 'risk' of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship with a high-quality mate 'hurts' more for a woman.
    The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing' all over again to replace what he has lost – or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable. Craig Morris, English research associate, Binghamton University, lead author on the study, cited in: Study: Women hurt more by breakups but recover more fully, presented by Binghamton University, United Kingdom, 6. August 2015

 

  • Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward. Article Masters of Love, presented by the US American magazine The Atlantic, Emily Esfahani Smith, 12. June 2014

Songline quotes

  • If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.
    If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. [...]
    Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you;
    you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
    Bob Marley (1945-1981) Jamaican singer-songwriter, musician

Quotes – Movie As Good As It Gets

                It takes a mad man to know one's kind.                
Melvin Udall to a group of depressed psychiatric patientsWhat if this is as good as it gets?
Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt As Good as it Gets, Psychiatrist Scene, minute 1:32, 1:41 minutes duration, posted 27. May 2015

 

                A man breaking his feelings to a woman, exposing his vulnerability.                
Melvin.UdallI've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol·ConnellyI'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin.UdallDon't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake.
I've got this, what – ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate.
My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol·ConnellyI don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin.UdallYou make me want to be a better man.
Carol·Connelly[…] That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin.UdallWell, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Source: ► Movie excerpt YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN, YouTube film
minute 1:50:01 (full movie), 2:02 minutes duration, posted 6. September 2007

 

                 A woman's futile wish for having a normal boyfriend                
Carol ConnellyWhy can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly ConnellyEverybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt As Good as It Gets (1997), minute 2:20:29, 2:27:29 duration, posted 12. November 2016

 

                A man acknowledging a woman whose enneagram type is # 1                
Melvin UdallI got a great compliment for you. [...]
I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good.
I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt As Good as It Gets (1997), minute 2:24:17, 2:27:29 duration, posted 12. November 2016

 

Source: ► American romantic comedy film As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt, 1997
As Good as It Gets Movie 1997, YouTube film, 2:01:55 duration, posted 16. October 2016
A single mother/waitress, a misanthropic author, and a gay artist form an unlikely friendship after the artist is assaulted in a robbery.
See also: ► Nine types of the enneagram – exemplified and ► Verrückt – Madness and ► Verletzlichkeit – Vulnerability

Englische Texte – English section on Relationship advices

Part I: Basics of relationships – Jed Diamond

  • Men and women are more alike than different.
Basic human needs according to Abraham Maslow1 are blind to gender:
  1. Physical Survival need: air, water, food, and a stable body temperature
  2. Physical/Emotional Survival need: for security
  3. Emotional Survival need: to love and be loved
  4. Mental Success need: self-esteem
  5. Mental/Spiritual Growth need: self-actualization

 


Monarch butterfly on a Zinnia flower
  • The differences between men and women are critical.
    Psychologist John Gray says: “Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.”
    Psychologist Marilyn Volker says: There are either “Penis people” or “Vulva people.”
    People differ not only in their genitals.

 

  • The differences are not what role models [social memes] ascribe.
    The traits we often associate with men and women are not inherent but influenced by gender conditioning.
    Females are meant to be “sensitive, tender, feeling, soft, curvy, thin, passive, receptive, nice, sweet, hairless, quiet, giving, nurturing, apologetic”.
    Males are allowed to be “assertive, cool, stoic, aggressive, hairy, active, athletic, muscular, rugged, tough, outspoken, courageous, protective”.

 

  • The differences between men and women are due to the two organizing principles in life:
    dynamism and magnetism.
    Dynamism is the capacity to initiate and to expand outwardly – the Animus, the Yang, the Sun, the “seeker”.
    Magnetism is – the Anima, the Yin, the Moon, the attractor.

 

  • Men and women alike will develop four universal dynamic functions and four universal magnetic functions.
According to US American cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien (1940-2014), 95% of cultures around the world agree on four dynamic functions and four magnetic functions:
  1. Dynamic function: Words, language, and logic
  2. Magnetic function: Vision, intuition, and perception
  3. Dynamic function: Deeds, productivity, bringing into form
  4. Magnetic function: Organizing, systematizing, and incubating
  5. Dynamic function: Leadership and power
  6. Magnetic function: Beauty, nurture, care, and healing
  7. Dynamic function: Exploring the meaning of life
  8. Magnetic function: Honoring the sacred through ritual and ceremony

 

  • For men, the dynamic is core. For women, the magnetic is core.
    Manhood rests on the dynamic – communication, deeds, leadership, and meaning.
    Womanhood rests on the magnetic – vision, beauty, ritual, and organization.

 

  • The sacred marriage of dynamism and magnetism is bound to occur within each person.
    The dynamic and magnetic functions are the basis to being human.

 

  • There are three ways to get close to one another: Social, Sensual and Sexual.
    Being social, sensual, and sexual are expressions of the basic human need to connect with others – within families, neighborhoods, clubs, tribes, nations, the world community.

 

  • There are four avenues to express the social, sensual, and sexual nature: Hetero, Homo, Bi, and Auto.
  1. When we relate to someone of the other sex, we are engaging in a “hetero” relationship.
  2. When we relate to someone of the same sex, we are engaging in a “homo” relationship.
  3. When we relate to people of both sexes, we are engaging in a “bi” relationship.
  4. When we relate to ourselves, we are engaging in an “auto” relationship.
One can be auto-social, bi-sensual, and heterosexual, or bi-social, bi-sensual, and homo-sexual.

 

  • Homosexuality is a normal way of expressing sexuality for a minority of the population.
    Homosexuality is normal, healthy and biologically based.

PART II: – Distinguishing healthy relationships from addictive relationships – Jed Diamond

  • Healthy relationships are based on an I-Thou experience.
I-Thou relationships are grounded in equality and respect. The love that is expressed derives from the communion of two spirits who themselves are part of a larger Spirit named God, Goddess, The Great Mystery, Spirit-That-Moves-Through-All-Things.
I-Thou reminds us that we are not alone. I-Thou sees everything and everyone as sacred, valuable, and precious.
The “I” that becomes part of a “Thou” is forever transformed.

 

  • Addictive relationships are based on an I-It experience.
I-It relationships are based on inequality and fear. Feelings are intense but not loving.
I-It is a way to treat the natural world.

 

  • Addictive Love results from faulty love maps originating in childhood abuse.
“Love” addicts were emotionally or sexually abused as children. They want to go home, but move ever faster in the wrong direction. They continue to find partners who recreate the abusive atmosphere in which they grew up.
Some pepole want to remember and some try to forget.
Remembering what happened is the first step to healing the past and creating a healthier future. In order to survive growing up, many of us buried the painful memories. Retrieving them is a long difficult process.

 

  • To understand healthy love we must contrast it with addictive "love."
Western societies confuse healthy love with "love" addiction.
Many people find it difficult to differentiate whether they engage in healthy intimacy or addictive desire.

 

Distinguishing healthy love from "love" addiction
༺༻Healthy loveAddictive love
1. Develops after feeling secure Attempts to show love despite feeling frightened and insecure
2.Emerges from feeling full, overflowing with loveAlways busy to fill an inner void
3.Begins with Self loveAlways seeking love "out there" from someone "special"
4. Arrives when one foregoes to searchIs compulsively sought after
5. Comes from inside
Is willing to give
Comes from outside
Wants to take
6.Grows slowly (like a tree)Grows fast (as if by magic)
7. Thrives on time spent alone and time spent with our partnerIs frightened of being alone
Is afraid of being close
8. Is unique
Does not seek an “ideal lover”
Is stereotyped
Feels attracted to certain types
9. Is gentle and comfortable Is tense and combative
10. Engages in getting to know oneself and one's lover deeplyHides from oneself
Falls in love with an ideal "image", not a person
11. Encourages to be oneself
Encourages to be authentic including one's shadow
Encourages secrets
Encourages looking good and wearing attractive masks
12. Flows out Caves in
13. Enhances a deepening sense of oneself
while being with the partner
Results in a loss of self the longer one shares time with the partner
14. Gets easier as time goes onRequires more effort as time goes on
15. Is like rowing across a gentle lakeIs like being swept away down a raging river
16.Grows stronger as fear decreasesExpands as fear increases
17.Is satisfied with what is thereAlways looking for more or better
18. Encourages interests to expand in the world Encourages outside interests to contract
19.Is based on the wish to be together Is based on the compulsion to be together
20.Knows and teaches that happiness comes from within oneself Expects and demands the partner to make oneself happy
21.Creates lifeCreates melodramas
Inspired byJed Diamond, Ph.D., excerpted and adapted from: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.
Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions
, Avon Books, August 1989
Alternative source: ► Video presentation by Jef Gazley, Internet Therapist, Love Addiction:
Is My Relationship Healthy?
, YouTube film, 5:35 minutes duration, posted 20. February 2007
See also: ► Sucht – Addiction

Part III: – Groundwork for healthy relationships – Jed Diamond

  • In order to have a healthy relationship give up the search for happiness.
    Dictionary definition of “happiness”: “Happening of chance, luck, fortune.”
    ⇒ Happiness is “out there” and thus short-lived.

    The search for happiness takes one away from happiness and makes one fear life’s inevitable down-turns.

 

  • Healthy relationships are based on the experience of joy.
    Dictionary definition of joy: “Exultation of the spirit, gladness, delight, the beatitude of heaven or paradise.”
    ⇒ Joy comes from within.

    “Joy” is quite different than “happiness.” Relationships based on joy do not depend on outside events.

 

  • Joy can be accessed by applying the four universal healing salves.
Anthropologist Angeles Arrien refers to four universal healing experiences [salves] to be practiced regularly:
* Singing * Dancing * Storytelling * Silence.

 

  • There are three levels of relationships that must be developed for us to be healthy:
    Source, Self, and Someone Else.
  1. Source is God, Goddess, The Great Mystery, Higher-Power, Spirit-That-Moves-Through-All-Things.
  2. Self is our true being, our inner knowing, our deepest wisdom, the core of who we are.
  3. Someone Else is the mysterious other, the lover, the sacred partner, the mate.

 

  • To develop these relationships in the wrong order, will result in heartening trouble.
    Learn from Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnelle.
    Observe the attraction funnel as well as the funnel of sexual arousal – KastlemanFunnel PDF2
    Attraction, friendship and loyalty between two potential partners are found most stable when the attraction funnel follows a downward direction from soul to body:

***************** From soul to character *****************
*************** From character to heart ***************
*************** From heart to mind ***************
************* From mind to voice *************
*********** From voice to body ***********

 

  • The natural world offers the most direct experience of Source.

Part IV: – Finding one's love partner – Jed Diamond

  • There are 5,924 perfect partners ready to meet those singles searching for a mate.
    People who have an image of their ideal partner (hopes attached to their fathers, mothers, hunks or super women;
    aspects which supposedly lack in oneself) filter almost all of the suitable partners out.

 


Girlfriends
  • To meet one's ideal partner first the projections on Mom and Dad are to be released.
    Searching for a partner who will love them like their parents never did
    Man to woman: “Will you love, protect, and care for me, like my Daddy never would?”
    Woman to man: “Will you nurture, touch, and pleasure me, like my Mommy never could?”

 

  • Receive all the needed parenting from your inner guides.

 

  • Become the lover you are looking for.
    When you become the lover you think you need, you won’t be so needy.

 

The seven dances of love
1stAcquaintanceshipRecognize that each person you meet is a fellow human being, a gift from the universe, a jewel to be appreciated.
2ndCompanionshipDo what you love in the presence of other human beings. Who is there is less important than abandoning oneself to the joy of doing.
3rdFriendshipFriendship is a process of being with another and enjoying getting closer to ourselves and the other. Being oneself and interacting with a friend are combined.
4thIntimate friendshipIntimate friendship is shadow work revealing rage, terror, guilt, shame, the ability to appreciate, accept, nurture, and love yourself. When recognizing and exploring hidden, forbidden, and disliked traits in you in the other there are times when you are inseparable and when you don’t like your intimate friend.
5thSensual friendshipSensual friendship is relearning to hold hands and rekindle the heat of touching someone, not a prelude to sex. We receive and give the pleasure of caressing hair, shoulders, legs, buttocks, knees and toes.
6thSexual lovers
Creative lovers
Sexual/creative lovers recognize the purpose of physical lovemaking as pleasure, creation and bonding. It continually renews our commitment to life.
7thSpiritual partners
Life partners
Partners cannot commit to a lifelong spiritual partnership as long as the other stages are not completed. The goal of spiritual/life partnership is not happiness, but the spiritual development of each of the partners and the growth of the partnership itself. The spiritual presence teaches each partner to express and receive ever deeper experiences of joy and ecstasy.

 

  • Practice the seven dances of love.
    Raised on a diet of “instant intimacy” the seven dances of love may seem slow, cumbersome, and old-fashioned. They work for those who are willing to practicing them.
    1. Pursue each dance for it’s own value. When you’re practicing “Companionship,” for instance, take the attitude that if you died tomorrow and had only learned to be an excellent companion, life would be worthwhile.
    2. Enjoy each dance without planning the next. Intimate friendship and sensual friendship, for instance, are not “foreplay” for sex. Each is the main event.
    3. Don’t let someone else’s needs change the dance you are practicing. If your partner wants you to join the “Sexual/creative lovers” dance and you are practicing “Intimate friendship,” stand up for your own needs.
    4. Even if you are already in a relationship, it’s rewarding to start over. Take a week and practice acquaintanceship, for instance. Look at your partner through new eyes as a unique gift from God without any agenda for where the relationship might go in the future.

Part V: – Keeping love alive – Jed Diamond

  • Love is too important to be taken seriously.
    Humor is trump.

 

  • There are two alternating flows in healthy relationships: Bonding and Deepening.
Layers of bonding and deepening
PhaseLayerExpression
1stBonding"Excitement" and "intensity"
2ndDeepening"Security” and "intimacy"
3rdBondingNovelty bonding anew
4thDeepeningCalmness and gentleness

 

  • You can’t keep your relationships unless you’re willing to lose them.

Each time you tell the truth in the face of the fear, your relationship deepens.
Each time you hold back, trying to play it safe, your relationship suffers.

 

  • Never compromise with your partner.

Compromise is slow death to a relationship.
Compromise seems to be a way that can satisfy both partners whereas it is a way where both lose a little bit of themselves.

 

  • Always insist that your needs be met and never rest until your partner’s needs are met as well.

 

  • Never force your partner to change.

Force leads to frustration, the feeling to be unaccepted and unloved.
A partner who accommodates is no longer respected.
People change naturally in response to their respective needs and internal rhythms.

 

  • Never do anything you think you should do.

 

  • Always do what you feel called (want) to do.

 

  • When you get angry at your partner do not tell them how you feel, first write a love letter.
    Psychologist John Gray found that
    underneath every anger is hurt,
    underneath every hurt is fear,
    underneath every fear is guilt,
    underneath every guilt is shame,
    underneath every shame is LOVE.

Gray suggests to angry partners to write an honest love letter to their significant other stepping down the above ladder to arrive at love/empathy:

Dear ____
I’m angry that you … and I need …
I’m hurt that you … and I need …
I’m afraid that you / I … and I need …
I’m feeling guilty about … and I need …
I’m feeling ashamed that I … and I need …
I love and understand you … and I need …

 


Three ballet dancers
  • Love comes in three packages. Learn your partner’s preferred wrapping.

 

  • Don’t work on your relationship; nurture it.
    There are three parts of a relationship that require to be continually nurtured: You, Me, and Us.

 

  • Find your soul-partner in a women’s or men’s group.
    If you’re a man and you want your relationship to be healthy, join a men’s group.
    If you’re a woman who wants the same, join a women’s group.

 

  • To increase intimacy spend time alone.
    Togetherness is not intimacy. Allow sacred space for each partner in the house.
    Sleep in separate beds. Knock to come in by invitation.

 

  • Don’t rely on love. Schedule time together.
    Set aside one night a week as “date night.”

 

  • Make love when you’re not in the mood and abstain from sex when you want it the most.

 

  • Talk about money or the material fights may destroy the relationship.

 

Inspired by:Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author,
The Lazy Person's Guide To Relationships. For women and men who still believe in love…

Healthy love'Love' addiction – Jed Diamond

(↓)

Roberta Flack's song "killing me softy" conveys a chilling sense of the hidden dagger beneath "love's" cloak.

  • "Love addictions" are even more dangerous than "drug addictions" because they so effectively lull us into accepting a life of "non-living" in exchange for the sweet taste of sex, romance, or relationship.
    Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010

 

  • Insights and guidelines for dealing with "love" addictions
    1. "Love" addictions do exist.
    2. Addictions need to be self-defined. No one has a right to call anyone else an addict.
    3. "Love" addictions, like all addictions, are progressive and fatal if not treated.
    4. Any "love" behavior can be addictive and none are automatically addictive.
    5. Sex, love, and relationship addictions are not about sex, love, and relationships.
    6. It is important to "name" our addictions and name them correctly.
    7. Anyone can recover from "love" addictions.
Sources featuring Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author
Document Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010
Excerpted and adapted from:
Book Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

 

Emotions (addictive "love") versus Beliefs
Emergency emotionNegative belief
ShameI am damaged and therefore bad inside.
Apathy expressed as distrustI can't rely on people to meet my needs.
Grief expressed as depression
Greed expressed as excitement
I need MORE "love." Too much is never enough.
FearTo know me is to abuse or abandon me.
Inspired by Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author
Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

 

Distinguishing healthy love from "love" addiction
༺༻Healthy loveAddictive "love"
1.Develops after feeling secureAttempts to show love despite feeling
frightened and insecure
2.Emerges from feeling full, overflowing with loveAlways busy to fill an inner void
3.Begins with Self loveAlways seeking love "out there"
from someone "special"
4.Arrives when one foregoes to searchIs compulsively sought after
5.Comes from inside
Is willing to give
Comes from outside
Wants to take
6.Grows slowly (like a tree)Grows fast (as if by magic)
7.Thrives on time spent alone and time spent with one's partnerIs frightened of being alone
Is afraid of being close
8.Is unique
Does not seek an “ideal lover”
Is stereotyped
Feels attracted to certain types
9.Is gentle and comfortableIs tense and combative
10.Engages in getting to know oneself and one's lover deeplyHides from oneself
Falls in love with an ideal "image", not a person
11.Encourages to be oneself
Encourages to be authentic including one's shadow
Encourages secrets
Encourages looking good and wearing attractive masks
12.Flows outCaves in
13.Enhances a deepening sense of oneself
while being with the partner
Results in a loss of self the longer one
shares time with the partner
14.Gets easier as time goes onRequires more effort as time goes on
15.Is like rowing across a gentle lakeIs like being swept away down a raging river
16.Grows stronger as fear decreasesExpands as fear increases
17.Is satisfied with what is thereAlways looking for more or better
18.Encourages interests to expand in the worldEncourages outside interests to contract
19.Is based on the wish to be togetherIs based on the compulsion to be together
20.Knows and teaches that happiness comes from within oneselfExpects and demands the partner
to make oneself happy
21.Creates lifeCreates melodramas
Inspired byJed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, excerpted and adapted from Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989
Further video reference: ► Video presentation by Jef Gazley, M.S., US American Internet therapist, Love Addiction: Is My Relationship Healthy?, YouTube film, 5:35 minutes duration, posted 20. February 2007

Gender research

   Hardly known empirical data about gender differences – Jed Diamond

Eight influential factors in sex and gender differences
༺༻Fact and factorLegend
1. The market place is an inappropriate sex educator.Cultural myths around sex are misleading. There are "boy" things and "girl" things.
Despite all political correctness humans are not unisex beings.
2.Biological reasons for the ingrown insecurity of men.The human DNA is arranged into 46 chromosomes, each grouped into 23 pairs. 22 pairs are essentially identical, one strand deriving from the  mother, the other from the father. The 23rd pair determines the sex: females have two like "X" chromosomes ", males two very dissimilar chromosomes, one "X" and one "Y". Y is very short compared to the X. As a result males suffer more genetic problems than females (color blindness and muscular dystrophy). All life long they are more fragile and vulnerable than females.
3. Ample sperm produced by males,
only 400 eggs produced by females.
Biological perspective: sperm and men are always competing[*], always eager about being top dog or the best on the block, and status oriented.
Eggs and women are always the center of attention, being pursued, and doubting if she chose the “right” one.
4.Males are roving inseminators.
Females are wily choosers.
Sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself. Numerous males are "roving inseminators".
Like small, hyperactive sperm, they compete among themselves for access to females.
[*]
Analogous thesis of Robert Trivers, US American evolutionary biologist, Harvard University
5.Males are drawn to multiple partners,
women prefer one at a time.
Mind the Coolidge Effect.
6. When men have sex, they feel more intimate.
When women feel intimate, they are more desirous of sex.
Women are choosier about whom to mate with and the circumstances
as they are at greater biological risk when having sex are.
Men, particularly young men, are eager to have sex any time, any place, and sometimes with anyone available.
Gay men have many more sexual partners than lesbian women.
7. The influence of the hormone of desire testosterone on men
and women.
In puberty testosterone levels in teenage boys rise 400-1000%.
They become walking grenades, waiting to go off.
Comparatively, the testosterone levels of same age women are 10%.
8. Emotional attachment and commitment is the key to a good sex life and lasting love.Accessibility: Are you reachable?
Responsiveness: Are you reliable to respond to me emotionally?
Engagement: Will you value me and stay close?
Source: ► Article by Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, Red Hot Sex: 8 Little Known Secrets For A Lifetime of Passion and Love
Reference: ► [*]Article Sperm mystery solved. Scientists identify the channel by which progesterone activates sperm to swim toward an egg, presented by The Scientist, Megan Scudellari, 16. March 2011
Book recommendations featuring Dr. Sue Johnson (*1947) British research professor of clinical psychology, Alliant International University, San Diego, California, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, author
Hold Me Tight. Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Little, Brown and Company, 1st edition 8. April 2008
Hold Me Tight. Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships, Piatkus, paperback, 3. February 2011
Stage 1: De-escalation of the couple's negative cycle
Stage 2: Re-structuring the couple's emotional bond
Stage 3: Consolidation

 

   Empirical data on gender-specific brain differences – Louann Brizendine

Research results as in Brizendine's books: 1) The Female Brain, 2007
Based on 1008 compiled studies after 20 years of experience the book is challenging the standard sociological model.
Differences between men and women are biologically based and not social constructs.
2) The Male Brain. A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think, 2010
Facts and empirical findings on gender-specifically formed brains
ItemDomainFacts and empirical findings
1.BiologyAt birth girls arrive already wired as girls, and boys arrive already wired as boys.
There is no unisex brain. Nature's default pattern is female until 8 weeks of gestation
when the tiny testicles start to produce huge amounts of testosterone.
2.Nature vs. Nurture
50% Hormones/genes
vs. 50% environmental influencing
Male and female brain chemistry differs whereas men and women are more alike than they are different.
Cultural gender expectations are profound. Nurture gets built into the brain circuits.
The nature vs. nurture debate is obsolete.
Gender roles can be retrained (by a changed environment).3
3.CommunicationMen use about seven thousand words per day.
Women use about twenty-thousand words per day..
Women have 400% more neurons then men in the brain centers for language and hearing.
Typical men speak fewer words and have less verbal fluency than women,
so they may be handicapped in angry exchanges with women.4
4.AggressionMen are on average twenty times more physically aggressive than women.
Men have larger brain areas for physical action and aggression.
Testosterone levels of teenage boys rise 25 times higher than in boyhood.
Women feel the same amount of anger as men. They tend to express it via psychological channels.
5.Conflict solvingGirls are motivated – on a molecular and neurological level –
to ease and prevent social conflict.
6.Sex85% of twenty- to thirty-year-old males think about sex every fifty-two seconds and
women think about it once a day – up to three or four times on fertile days.
Men have 2.5 times more brain space devoted to sex.
Men have 3 times more interest in sex than women.
The female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off.
7.Dominance vs. submissionIt may indeed be that about 10-20% of straight men have their female-type brain circuits turned on and actually have a psychological preference for dominant women [10%].
For the typical adult female [90%], the psychological preference is for dominant men.5
8.Hormonal mood changesAfter puberty anxiety disorders are 4:1 more common in adult women than adult men.
The ratio of depression is 2:1. After female menopause the depression ratio drops to 1.3:1.
Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs.
9.Quitting65% of divorces after the age of fifty are initiated by [menopausal] women.
10.Social skillsLittle girls share toys 10-20 times more than little boys.
Brain and language development is somewhat delayed with little boys and young male adults.
11.Sensitivity skillsMen pick up the subtle signs of sadness in a female face only 40% of the time,
whereas women can pick up these signs 90% of the time.
12.CompetitionRecent research has documented strong differences between men and women as far as the willingness to compete and the performance in competitive situations is concerned. Many studies have shown that
men often react more strongly to competitive pressure than women, and that
women are more likely to shy away from competition, even when they are equally qualified.6
Source: ►  Louann Brizendine MD-PhD louannbrizendine.com (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology,
UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author,
The Female Brain, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007

 

In writing this book I have struggled with two voices in my head – one is the scientific truth, the other is political correctness. I have chosen to emphasize scientific truth over political correctness even though scientific truths may not always be welcome.
[P]retending that women and men are the same, while doing a disservice to both men and women, ultimately hurts women. Louann Brizendine, Ph.D., M.D. louannbrizendine.com (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Female Brain, S. 161, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007

 

Further references:
Interview with Sandra Witelson It's Partly in Your Head. On how male and female brains differ, presented by the international daily newspaper The Wall Street Journal, 11. April 2011
Video presentation Men vs. Women. The Differences?, narrated by Tim Kelly, YouTube film, 7:46 minutes duration, posted 20. November 2008
Video interviews with little children, Gender Roles, YouTube film, 2:36 minutes duration, posted 24. October 2008
See also: ► Genderforschung – Gender research

Relationship data and concerns

Behaviors of long-term successful relationship partners

Traits of relationship keepers
༺༻TraitLegend
1.Trait OneKeepers are self-accountable.
2.Trait TwoKeepers can hold on to their own personal rhythms under stress.
3.Trait ThreeKeepers don’t patronize. They find a way to stay interested or they graciously bow out.
4.Trait FourKeepers see humor as a sacred part of relationships.
5.Trait FiveKeepers know how to stay even.
6.Trait SixKeepers do not allow guilt to influence their decisions.
7.Trait SevenKeepers store the "good times".
8.Trait EightKeepers are authentic.
9.Trait NineKeepers understand and accept their value in the marketplace.
10.Trait TenKeepers look for the value in others.
11.Trait ElevenKeepers avoid useless energy drains.
12.Trait TwelveKeepers know how to self-soothe.
13.Trait ThirteenKeepers seek continuous transformation.
14.Trait FourteenKeepers take good care of themselves.
15.Trait FifteenKeepers treasure the present moment.
Source: ► Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, author, Who Are The "Keepers"?
The Behaviors of Long-Term Successful Relationship Partners
, 28. August 2011

 

Six categories of damaging relationships / hostile remarks
༺༻Hostility category
1.Character assassination
2.Threat of abandonment
3.Threat of exile
4.Invalidation
5.Challenge
6.Preaching
Sources featuring Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, author of Rediscovering Love
Book: Hostile Venting – Mean Phrases that Scar Intimate Relationships. How Negative Words can Destroy Love, published 31. July 2011
Video interviews:
Relationship Saboteurs, part I, YouTube film, 8:53 minutes duration, posted 3. September 2010
Relationship Saboteurs, part II, YouTube film, 9:56 minutes duration, posted 3. September 2010

 

One of the great sweetnesses of life is to be deeply known and still beloved.
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor

Intimacy has many components, but the most important is a sense of treasured belonging. Given that acceptance and inclusion, the partners in a committed relationship can create a space of security and continued connection. New lovers continually rediscover each other through self-revelation and mutual vulnerability. No request is beyond reach, no sacrifice too difficult. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, Philosophy.php

Four essential stages of a dating relationship

Stages of coming closer in a relationship
StageFocusLegend
1.AttractionSoul, character, heart, mind, voice, bodyFeeling drawn to someone (across the room, a photo) as if something is pushing oneself toward them.
2.Verbal ExplorationBeginning to explore each other verbally (not physically). Having conversations to find out the basics (who, where, what) about each other.
3.Emotional intimacyBeginning to establish a solid emotional bond and building trust by telling each other things you hesitate to share in general.
4.Physical intimacyA sexual relationship is the consummation of the first three stages.
Inspired byRabbi Shmuley Boteach (*1966) US American Orthodox rabbi, marriage counsellor, radio and television host, author,
Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments, Harmony, 1st edition 16. January 2001

Dangerous relationships

Dysfunctional relationships between men and women
༺༻Man typeLegend
Men opting for dangerous relationships
Woman typeLegend
Women conspiring in a man’s downfall
1.Naïve manPuer Aeternus (eternal boy) Peter Pan syndromeDamsel in distressLooking for the White Knight to rescue her
2.Adrenaline driven manClassic Type-A personalityDrama queenSeeking to be the center of attention, excessive emotionality
3.Man in mid-lifeLosing the 'somebody' status, fear of 'nobody' status, prone to anxiety, depression, addictionsSeductressEmotionally manipulative
4.Man filled with longingPhantasizing romance, passion, and youthDesperate womanPregnancy cheater
5.Narcissist775% of all narcissists are male, chauvinistic and conservative. Fairly benign, love-avoidant, pathologically malignant, overly controlling, deceitful, manipulative, threatening, psychopathically dangerous need to being mirrored as specialBorderliner womanEmotionally unstable, rapidly shifting, attention seeking, manipulative, self-destructive, angry, hostile, violent, fear of abandonment, longing for connection
NOTE: A needy and narcissist man is prone to the allure of a borderline personality disorder suffered by femmes fatale
6.Man who would be kingUltimate "success object", perpetually dissatisfiedPower seekerSocial climber, out for "somebodies"
7.Sexually addicted man~8% of the male US AmericansSex addict~Nymphomaniac: 3% of the female US Americans, 78% of which were sexually abused in childhood

 

The life of a good man is a continual warfare with his passions. Samuel Richardson (1689-1761) British novelist

 

Tips to avoid "dangerous" relationships
༺༻Healthy behavior
1.Know thyself.
2.Recognize red flags.
3.Put the brakes on.
4.Only stay if you bring out the best in each other.
5.Don’t keep the relationship a secret.
6.Seek out a mentor.
7.Handle the problems at home.
8.Think it through.
9.Deal with aging.
10.Work on your Integrity and character.
11.Focus on future, positive goals.
12.Make a course correction.
Source: ► Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT, US American psychotherapist, marriage and family consultant, educator,
founder and director of Men's Center of Los Angeles, Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships, 17. July 2013
See also: ► Sex addicted US American presidents

Mature undivided love ⇔ immature divided romance

       Indiviual means undivided.       
That's the meaning of the word. When a person gets to a place of fulfillment [influence, leadership] they are supposed to be undivided. 'The undivided person will act in the interest of the community unity rather than the interest of dividing into factions. So one way to critique the people on top – if they have the opportunity to use power and they are not using it to create unity and benefit for other – [is to say that] they are not truly an individual [as] they are still divided and they are acting out that inner division.
Source: ► Audio radio interview with Michael Meade Mosaicvoices.org US American storyteller, scholar of mythology, psychology, anthropology, ritualist, spokesman in the Men's Movement, author, The Pathless Path, MP3, presented by US American web radio
station KBOO, program Radiozine, host Ralph Coulson, Portland, minute 14:39, 29:24 minutes duration, aired 13. May 2013

 

       Immature love              Mature love       
Infantile love follows the principle:
"I love because I am loved."
Mature love follows the principle:
"I am loved because I love."
Immature love says:
"I love you because I need you."
Mature love says:
"I need you because I love you."
Source: ► Erich Fromm (1900-1980) German US Amercian social psychologist, psychoanalyst, humanistic philosopher, author,
The Art of Loving, Harper & Brothers, 1956

 

       Romance              Love       
Romance can be defined as [two] fractional people who are looking for the rest of themselves. The gender roles make us into fractional people instead of whole people.
It's very intense because you're looking for the rest of yourself in someone else.
But it's doomed because nobody can be you.
Love is two whole people.
Romance is wanting the other person. It's about possession.Love is wanting what's best for the other person.
Source: ► Vimeo video presentation by Gloria Steinem gloriasteinem.com (*1934) leading US American feminist of the new women's movement, visionary and political activist, founder and editor of the feminist US magazine "Ms", journalist, writer, Perspectives on Equality
and Community – Common Hour
, sponsored by Franklin & Marshall College, Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
9. September 2010, minute 33:00, 53:54 minutes duration, posted 10. September 2010

 

       Romance              Love       
There is a difference between romance and love.
Romance might die, while true love does not. Love is easy when romance still lights everything in shades of pink, when the experience of a relationship is like the canvas of a sweet Impressionistic painting.Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it. Once the reality of our wounding reveals the darkness still lurking in all of us, romance might die, while true love does not.
Source: ► Marianne Williamson (*1952) US American spiritual teacher, political activist, visionary, lecturer, author,
Illuminata. A Return to Prayer, Riverhead Trade, 1. November 1995

 

       Selfishness              Love       
Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?"while Love asks, "What can I give?"
Source: ► Seth Adam Smith, US American editor-in-chief, Marriage Isn’t For You, presented by Forward Walking, 2. November 2013

Taking up slow love – ending toxic low criteria relationships

Moving over to slow love mode
1.Purge low nutritional relationships.
2.Delay the onset of sex with a new partner. Minimum 30 days delay of engaging with in a new relationships.
3.Ask for sexual exclusivity.
4.Use the "F" word: Feelings.
5.Practice intellectual commitment.
Sources featuring Wendy Walsh, Ph.D. (*1962) Canadian-American adjunct assistant professor of clinical psychology, California State University, Channel Islands, psychotherapist, actress, television commentator, journalist, author
The 30-Day Love Detox. Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Men Who Won't Commit – And Find A Real Relationship, Rodale Books, 23. April 2013
► Video presentation The 30-day Love Detox, sponsored by Talks at Google, Los Angeles, California, 10. September 2013, YouTube film, minute 0:36:44, 1:00:09 duration, posted 12. September 2013

Men shamed by women ♦ women frightened by men

Predicament of shamed men and scared women
Men frightening their female partnersWomen shaming their male partners
Men's sizeMother's size and women's power
Male voiceWomen's siren call to return to the womb
Male angerWomen's cutting words
Men's emotional withdrawalWomen's emotional demands
Source: ► Article by Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author,
Why Men Frighten Women, And Women Shame Men, presented by uploady.com, past 2011

 

(↓)

Biological reason why men are prone to be shamed

  • Although the human egg is microscopic, it is large enough to house 250,000 sperm. Eggs weigh 85,000 times as much as sperm. Think how you’d feel if you had to merge with someone who was 85,000 times heavier than you? Now, think of the competition involved in mating. There are fifty million to five hundred million sperm per ejaculation.

 

  • Men’s basic need is for respect, just as women’s basic need is to be cherished.
    He needs to feel like a winner, that he can beat the competition and be the chosen one.

 

2003 study on shame and pride based gender norms
Shame is a major building block of traditional gender roles.
NormAttitudeNormed behaviors confirmed by men and women
Male role norms
Conformity to Adolescent Masculine Norms Inventory (CMNI)
PRIDE
Shadow shame
⚑ Have power over women!
⚑ Apply violence!
⚑ Disdain homosexuals!
⚑ Behave as playboy!
Win!
⚑ Apply emotional control!
⚑ Take risks!
⚑ Be self-reliant!
⚑ Adopt the primacy of work!
⚑ Pursue status!
⚑ Strive for dominance!
⚑ Show no empathy!
Female role norms
Conformity to Femininity Norms Inventory (CFNI)
SHAME
Humiliation
⚑ Be nice in relationships!
⚑ Be thin!
⚑ Be modest!
⚑ Be domestic!
⚑ Keep to sexual fidelity!
⚑ Care for the children!
⚑ Strive for romantic relationships!
⚑ Use all resources for appearance!
⚑ Show no empathy!
Source: ► Study by James R. Mahalik, Ph.D., US American professor of counseling, developmental and educational psychology,
Boston College, Boston, presented in Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol 4(1), pp. 3-25, January 2003
Critical assessment: ► Article CMNI – Misandry in Psychological Research, presented by MenAreGood.com, 20. September 2013
See also: ► Pride and ► Shame

Insights derived from 50 years of observing men

What men truly want women to know
༺༻Status: men to men – men to women
1.Men are more alike women than different.
2.Men want women to understand and respect the gender differences.
3.Men need to be intimate with other men.
4.Men hunger for women, and are also afraid of them.
5.Men are becoming increasingly depressed and suicidal.
6.Men want an equal partnership [with women] based on love, mutual support, and acceptance.
Source: ► Article What Every Woman Needs to Know About Men, presented by US American The Good Men Project,
Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, 14. January 2017

Women's concerns

Ten core values for evolving women

Core virtuous behaviors embodied by maturing women
Dedicated to the creative potential of the relationship of maturing men and women
Elizabeth Debold, Ed.D. suggests women to embody the following core values:
༺༻Mature·behaviorLegend
1.Holding an evolutionary perspectiveConsciously evolving woman acknowledges her biological, psychological, and social conditioning and draws on her true self devoted to the process of human evolution.
2.Trusting in lifeWitnessing woman keeps releasing control urges. She incorporates to the best of her abilities spirit, undefended innocence, dignity.
3.Taking responsibility for evolutionWoman is aware of interconnectedness and cares to evolve in consciousness.
4.Realizing unity with other womenConsciously evolving woman is trustingly, transparently, and passionately bonding with her sisters, taking responsibility of her programmed urge to compete with others and outshining it.
5.Being emotionally rationalConscious woman is aware of her survival impulses, developing emotional maturity by is releasing culturally programmed fears and desires.
6.Standing autonomously and not waveringConsciously evolving woman abstains from manipulative games and is cultivating simple, gentle-straight radical sovereignty in her relationships.
7.Relinquishing sexual powerConscious woman refrains from seduction to win over. Her sexual relationships become profoundly intimate and straightforward.
8.Leading by exampleWilling to pioneer leadership conscious woman remains vulnerable and authentic, following her inner guidance transparently and humbly.
9.Being trustworthyWoman devoted to a higher purpose remains honest and authentic when challenged.
10.Rejecting victimhoodResponsible woman is not a victim. She cocreated history with men.
Inspired by ► Article The Integral Relationship, presented by US American magazine What is Enlightenment?,
Elizabeth Debold, Ed.D., US American gender researcher, senior teacher of evolutionary enlightenment,
cultural commentator, senior editor of magazine WIE / EnlightenNext (2002-2011), author, 2010

 

Links zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Relationship advice

Literatur

Literature (engl.)

Based on 1008 compiled studies and 20 years of experience

Stage 1: De-escalation of the couple's negative cycle ❄ Stage 2: Re-structuring the couple's emotional bond ❄ Stage 3: Consolidation

Externe Weblinks


External web links (engl.)


Audio- und Videolinks

Audio and video links (engl.)

  • Video presentation by Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, produced by Laugh Your Way America, LLC, YouTube film

Keys for lasting attraction/bondedness between husband and wife: 1. Exclusivity 2. Privacy 3. Time 4. Foreplay 5. Romance

Repeated pornography exposure diminishes men and destroys love. It robs men and women from fulfilling sex exchange. Debunking Kinsey's fraudulent and toxic assertions on human sexuality

 

Interne Links

Englisch Wiki

Hawkins

 

 

1 Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

2 Mark Kastleman, US American pornography researcher, recovered from 25 years of pornography addiction, co-founder of Candeo, author, The Funnel of Arousal, presented by netnanny.com

3 Audio interview with Louann Brizendine, Ph.D., US American clinical neuropsychiatrist, Dissecting 'The Male Brain' , presented by US American web radio station Brainstormin, host Bill Frank, 18:32 minutes duration, aired 3. February 2011

4 Louann Brizendine, Ph.D., The Female Brain, pg. 131, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007

5 Louann Brizendine, Ph.D., ning blog, 15. April 2011

6 Gender Differences in Competition Emerge Early in Life, Institute for the Study of Labor, June 2010

7 Quotes on narcissim by Sam Vaknin

 

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