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Inhaltsverzeichnis (verbergen)

  1. 1. Biologie der drei grundlegenden menschlichen Paarungstriebe
  2. 2. Vier Persönlichkeitstypen in der Liebesbeziehung
  3. 3. Tipps für eine glückliche Ehe
  4. 4. Mangelnde Kommunikation unter Eheleuten
  5. 5. Paargeschichte – Untreue ⚡ Dreiecksbeziehung
  6. 6. Umwandlung während der Ehe
  7. 7. Ehefrauen als Wandlungsagenten
  8. 8. Du und ich
  9. 9. Zitate zum Thema Ehe / Marriage
    1. 9.1 Zitate allgemein
    2. 9.2 Zitate zu den Themen Ehebruch ♦ Seitensprung ♦ Status der Geliebten
    3. 9.3 Zitate von David Schnarch
    4. 9.4 General quotes
  10. 10. Englische Texte – English section on Marriage
    1. 10.1 Four major biological love types – Helen Fisher
    2. 10.2 Biology of the three basic mating drives of human/animal pair bonding – Helen Fisher
    3. 10.3 Various love styles
    4. 10.4 Habits for thriving couples
    5. 10.5 Marriage success – Building friendship
    6. 10.6 Increasing intimacy and strengthening the relationship
    7. 10.7 Basic principles toward achieving successful relationships – Gottman and Manson
    8. 10.8 Four stages of marriage – Jed Diamond
    9. 10.9 Seven principles of making marriage work – John M. Gottman
    10. 10.10 Infidelity statistics – Study on infidel husbands
    11. 10.11 Study on marriage, [silenced] communication and death (1997-2007)
    12. 10.12 Characteristics of happy couples
    13. 10.13 Six marriage myths debunked
    14. 10.14 Broken heart syndrome – Lifespans of couples
    15. 10.15 Statistics – Divorce rates
    16. 10.16 Statistics – Longevity rates of married couples
    17. 10.17 Male and female brains – Corpus callossum and hypothalamus
    18. 10.18  List of sex addicted US American presidents
    19. 10.19 Marriage advices
    20. 10.20 Enhancing one's love map – Getting to know one's partner intimately
    21. 10.21 Wives as change agents
    22. 10.22 Changing one's spouse in a marriage
  11. 11. Links zum Thema Ehe / Marriage
    1. 11.1 Literatur
    2. 11.2 Literature (engl.)
    3. 11.3 Externe Weblinks
    4. 11.4 External web links (engl.)
    5. 11.5 Audio- und Videolinks
    6. 11.6 Audio and video links (engl.)
    7. 11.7 Audio and video links (engl.) – Helen Fisher
    8. 11.8 Audio and video links (engl.) – John M. Gottman
    9. 11.9 Audio and video links (engl.) – Humorous
    10. 11.10 Interne Links

 

Byzantinischer Ehering, 7. Jahrhundert

 

Wenn ihr aus zwei eins macht, wenn ihr das Innere wie das Äußere macht, das Äußere wie das Innere und das Obere wie das Untere macht, und wenn ihr das Männliche und das Weibliche vereinigt, so dass der Mann nicht Mann und die Frau nicht Frau bleibt; wenn ihr mit neuen Augen seht, mit neuen Händen handelt, mit neuen Füßen geht und ein neues Bild aus euch macht – dann werdet ihr in das Reich Gottes eintreten.
Jesus, Thomasevangelium, Logion 022, Teil der Apokryphen, 50-140, 350 n. Chr., wiederentdeckt 1945

 

Men and women often become more sexually compatible as they mature, and "third-agers" often have the best sex of their lives.
It turns out that cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated
!

David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, cited in interview: Third Age Interview with Dr. David Schnarch, presented by Third Age, Mary Tudor, reprinted by Passionate Marriage, Crucible Publishing, January 1998

 


 

Biologie der drei grundlegenden menschlichen Paarungstriebe

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Die US-amerikanische Neuroanthropologin und Hirnforscherin Dr. Helen Fisher und ihre Kollegen bestätigen drei ganz starke Kreisläufe/Antriebe, die sich im Gehirn von Tieren und Menschen herausgebildet haben. Sie können den Einzelnen dazu bringen, sowohl selbstaufopfernd zu handeln (für den Partner sterben) als auch – bei Zurückweisung – den anderen zu töten.

 

Drei wesentliche Paarungskreisläufe (Antriebe) im tierisch-menschlichen Gehirn
StufeAntriebHirnebene
Dreieiniges Gehirn
Beschreibung der FunktionTreibende Hormone
Auslöser
1.SexantriebÄltestes menschlichen Gehirn
Protoreptilisches Gehirn
Egogesteuert, wahllos,
Trachtet möglichst viele Sexpartner zu gewinnen
Testorenon
Östrogen
Adrenalin
2.Romantische LiebeJüngeres menschliches Gehirn
Limbisches System
Paleomammalisches Gehirn
Egogesteuert, vorbedacht,
Entscheidet sich für einen gewählten Partner
Dopamin
Noradrenalin
3.Langzeit-BindungJüngstes menschliches Gehirn
Neocortex
Neomammalisches Gehirn
Dient der Erziehung von Kindern,
Aufrechterhaltung einer festen Beziehung (Ehe) mit einem Partner
Oxytocin
Vasopressin
Sind diese drei jeweils getrennten Hirnsysteme nicht aufeinander abgestimmt, so sind Beziehungskrisen vorprogrammiert.
Der 4. Regelkreislauf in Verbindung mit dem Präfrontalen Cortex (bzw. das nichtlineare unsterbliche ätherische Gehirn) ist für
computer-basierte Hirnforschung bezüglich des menschlichen Bindungsverhaltens noch unzugänglich und daher uninteressant.
Quellen von und mit  Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) kanadisch-US-amerikanische Professorin für biologische Anthropologie, Ethnologin, Liebesverhaltensforscherin, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, wissenschaftliche Beraterin von Chemistry.com
► Videovortrag Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, Veranstaltungsort The Book Works, Del Mar, Kalifornien, Veranstalter The Science Network (TSN), Gastgeber Roger Bingham, 43:00 Minuten Dauer, 8. Juni 2006
Why we love and cheat, Veranstalter TED Talks 2006, 23:21 Minuten Dauer, gefilmt Februar 2006, eingestellt September 2006
The brain in love, Veranstalter TED Talks 2006, 15:56 Minuten Dauer, gefilmt Februar 2008, eingestellt Juli 2008

Vier Persönlichkeitstypen in der Liebesbeziehung

Temperamente und ihre Bindungverhalten
༺༻ Aktions-
Typ
TemperamentEnneagramm-
Typ
HormonEigenschaften
1.AbenteurerSanguinikerSiebenDopaminEntdeckungsfreudig, risikofreudig, kreativ, neugierig, optimistisch, unbeirrbar
Paarungsverhalten: Gleich und Gleich gesellt sich gern.
Dopamin ∞ Dopamin
2.UnternehmerPhlegmatikerNeunSerotoninOft ruhig, gesellig, beliebt, gewissenhaft, loyal, vorsichtig, jedoch nicht ängstlich, ausdauernd, detailorientiert, beschützerisch, eher konservativ, gut in Menschenführung
Paarungsverhalten: Gleich und Gleich gesellt sich gern.
Serotonin ∞ Serotonin
3.WegbereiterCholerikerAchtTestosteronEher direkt, bestimmt, konzentriert, stur, wettbewerbsorientiert, analytisch, logisch denkend, technisch und mechanisch begabt, verfügen über räumliches Denkvermögen, oft musikalisch veranlagt
Paarungsverhalten: Gegensätze ziehen sich an. Testosteron ∞ Östrogen
4.DiplomatMelancholikerEinsÖstrogenSehen das große Ganze, denken in größeren Zusammenhängen, einfallsreich, intuitiv, geistig flexibel, uneigennützig, einfühlsam, eloquent, ausgestattet mit hoher sozialer Kompetenz
Paarungsverhalten: Gegensätze ziehen sich an. Östrogen ∞ Testosteron.
Siehe auch:
Typische Merkmale der Enneagrammtypen 1-9
Vier Temperamente und deren Grundformen der Angst
See also:
Four major biological love types – Helen Fisher
Three mating drives Helen Fisher ∞ Three Daoist types of integration of Yin and Yang

Tipps für eine glückliche Ehe

  1. Die Partner-Landkarte auf den neusten Stand bringen
  2. Zuneigung und Wertschätzung füreinander aufbringen und ausdrücken
  3. Sich einander zuwenden statt voneinander abwenden
  4. Sich vom Partner beeinflussen lassen
  5. Zwei Arten der Unterscheidung von Ehestreitigkeiten
  6. Lösbare Probleme lösen
  7. Pattsituationen überwinden
  8. Einen gemeinsamen Sinn schaffen

 

Quellen:
Buch: ► John Mordechai Gottman, Ph.D. (*1942) US-amerikanischer Psychologe, Beziehungsanalytiker, Ehestabilitätsforscher, Die 7 Geheimnisse der glücklichen Ehe [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work] Ullstein Taschenbuch, Erstausgabe 2000, April 2002
Video: ► Powerpoint presentation on the Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, researched by John Mordechai Gottman, Ph.D. (*1942) US American psychologist, relationship and marital stability researcher, marriage educator, YouTube film, 2:20 minutes duration, posted 14. November 2008

Mangelnde Kommunikation unter Eheleuten

Das Unternehmen Priority Management Pittsburgh Inc. hat in einer Three-Times-Study im Jahr 1988 ermittelt, dass ein US-amerikanisches Ehepaar täglich nur vier Minuten für das gemeinsame Gespräch aufbringt.


Primavera, Sandro Botticelli (1445-1510) italienischer Maler

 

Das Ergebnis einer repräsentativen Umfrage in der Bundesrepublik1 lautete:

"Die meisten Ehen verlaufen gleichgültig oder unglücklich."

 

Frauen, gesellschaftlich benachteiligter, belasteter und ehrlicher, sind in Beziehungsfragen skeptischer als Männer.
Es werden weniger Ehen geschlossen, und mehr Ehen werden geschieden.
Da jede dritte Ehe zerbricht, lassen viele Paare sich erst gar nicht aufs Heiraten ein.
Das Schweigen und die Beziehungslosigkeit in der Beziehung ist Alltag geworden.
Es bedeutet doppelte Einsamkeit.

Paargeschichte – Untreue ⚡ Dreiecksbeziehung

Heimliche Liebesbeziehung als Chance

 

Aus der heimlichen Verbindung von Zeus und Semele geht ihr gemeinsame Kind hervor: Dionysos, der Gott der Ekstase, der das lustvolle Prinzip verkörpert. Die Geliebte Semele dringt in die im Machtkampf erstarrte Beziehungswelt von Zeus und Hera. Menschen in scheinbar ausweglosen Dreiecksbeziehungen können das »Neue« annehmen und begreifen, was hinter einer Dreiecksbeziehung steckt, sich von unguten (Kindheits-)Mustern befreien und mehr Liebesreife gewinnen.

In Ehen oder verpflichteten Beziehungen kommen die ungelösten im Gehirn eingebrannten Verhaltensmuster der beteiligten Partner erneut zum Vorschein.
Suchtverhalten ist die Folge der Unfähigkeit, echt zu lieben, wirklich vertraut und verbunden zu sein.

 

Die schwierigen Stationen der Paargeschichte sind:

  • Gegenseitige Verletzungen,
  • Abweichen vom ursprünglichen (un)ausgesprochenen Beziehungsvertrag,
  • Verrat an der anfänglichen Beziehungsvision.

 

Der deutsche Paartherapeut Hans Jellouschek unterscheidet fünf Entwicklungsphasen einer Paarbeziehung:

  1. Verschmelzung (Flitterwochen)
  2. Widerstand gegen die Verschmelzung
  3. Distanzierung und Differenzierung
  4. Wiederannäherung
  5. Vereinigung auf einer höheren Stufe

In bestimmten Phasen können Paare steckenbleiben. Dreiecksbeziehungen sind ein probates Mittel, um durch eine Zäsur aus einem Stau in der Paarbeziehung herauszukommen.
In enger werdenden Kreisen auf dem Weg zur echten Liebe werden die Phasen mehrfach durchlaufen.

Quellen – Literatur von Hans Jellouschek (*1939) deutscher Paartherapeut, Autor
Ich liebe dich, weil ich dich brauche. Der Froschkönig Kreuz Verlag, 2001
Die Rolle der Geliebten in der Dreiecksbeziehung, Kreuz Verlag, 2004, Goldmann Verlag, 9. Juni 2008
Die Kunst als Paar zu leben, Kreuz Verlag, 2005
Wie Partnerschaft gelingt. Spielregeln der Liebe, Herder Taschenbuch, 2005
Maja Langsdorff, Mitautorin, Die Geliebte. Was es heißt, die Andere zu sein, Books on Demand, aktualisierte Neuauflage Oktober 2005
Wie man besser mit den Wünschen seiner Frau umgeht. Vom Fischer und seiner Frau, Kreuz Verlag, 2006
Die Froschprinzessin. Wie ein Mann zur Liebe findet, Kreuz Verlag 2006
Warum hast du mir das angetan? Untreue als Chance, Piper, München, 9. Auflage Juli 2007
Videopräsentation (engl.): ► Mark Gungor, US-amerikanischer Pastor, Bühnenunterhalter, Eheberater, internationaler Referent, Adultery, Manly Man Conference "Worth the Fight", 2009, YouTube Filmausschnitt, 1:18 Minuten Dauer, eingestellt 13. Januar 2010

 

Status des Fremdgehens – 2010

  • 50% der Webseiten des Internets sind mit pornographischen Inhalten bestückt.
  • 3-6 % der Bevölkerung sind sexsüchtig (vorwiegend Männer) und romanzensüchtig (vorwiegend Frauen).
  • 87% der Ehepaare tauschen während des Liebesakts keine Intimität aus.
  • 70% der normalen Ehepaare haben ein gestörtes sexuelles Verlangen bezüglich des Partners.
  • 40% der Ehepaare küssen sich kaum während sie Sex miteinander haben.
  • In 60-80% der Ehen oder festen Beziehungen in westlichen Ländern gibt es Seitensprünge beziehungsweise Dreiecksverhältnisse.
  • 40% der Ehen in westlichen Ländern werden geschieden.
    • 1 von 5 Scheidungen erfolgt als Folge der entdeckten Untreue.
  • In 90% (73%) der Ehebruchsfälle bleibt die Geliebte auf der Strecke. Der Ehemann bleibt bei seiner Ehefrau.
  • 56% der ehebrechenden Frauen finden im Seitensprung zu 79% besseren Sex als mit ihrem Mann und geben die Ehe zugunsten ihres Geliebten auf.

Umwandlung während der Ehe

Gespräch unter Eheleuten kurz nach der Hochzeit

 

Ehemann zur Ehefrau: "Ich hoffe, dass du dich nie veränderst."
Ehefrau zum Ehemann : "Ich [wir] müssen dich verändern."
Frauen verbessern Männer. Ja, das tun sie, vorausgesetzt, ihr Männer bringt sie nicht schon vorher um.
Die Frau als Wandlungsvermittlerin tut Männern gut. Sie mögen es zwar nicht. […]
Die gute Botschaft ist, dass Frauen einen Mann im Allgemeinen dorthin bringen können, wohin sie wollen.
Sie müssen dabei allerdings bedenken, dass sie sich auf ein Langzeitprojekt von zwanzig, dreißig Jahren Dauer einlassen.
Quelle: ► Videovortrag von Mark Gungor, US-amerikanischer Pastor, Bühnenunterhalter, Eheberater, internationaler Referent, undatiert
Siehe auch: ► A man still does not do anything, YouTube Film, 1:23 Minuten Dauer, eingestellt 21. Januar 2011

 

Nur einer von tausend Männern ist ein Führer von Männern – die anderen 999 folgen den Frauen.
Aussage eines Gastes in der US-amerikanischen TV-Show You Bet Your Life, Gastgeber
Groucho Marx (1890-1977) US-amerikanischer Komödiant, Entertainer, Schauspieler, 28. März 1951

Ehefrauen als Wandlungsagenten

Der Einfluss der Frau

 

Ein frommer Mann hatte ein frommes Weib, aber sie hatten keine Kinder.
Da sprachen sie: Unsere Ehe bringt dem Heiligen, gelobt sei er, keinen Nutzen.
Und der Mann gab seiner Frau den Scheidebrief, und sie trennte sich von ihm.
Er heiratete in zweiter Ehe eine böse Frau, und die machte ihn zu einem Bösewicht.
Die Geschiedene wiederum heiratete einen bösen Mann
und verwandelte diesen in einen frommen.
Ob der Mann gottlos wird, ob der Mann fromm wird – alles bewirkt die Frau.
Quelle: ► Talmud, Hauptschrift des Judentums, Midrasch Bereschit r. 17, 7

 

Lob dem tugendsamen Eheweib

 

Wem ein tugendsam Weib beschert ist, die ist viel edler denn die köstlichsten Perlen.
Ihres Mannes Herz darf sich auf sie verlassen, und Nahrung wird ihm nicht mangeln.
Sie tut ihm Liebes und kein Leides ihr Leben lang.

Quelle: ► Sprüche 31, 10-12 (OT)

Du und ich

Ich will zu dir gehören
und du zu mir.
Versprochen
in den guten Zeiten – 
versprochen, immer und immer.
In den schlechten Zeiten –
Gerade in den schlechten Zeiten,
wenn so viele Versprechen brechen,
wenn so viele Worte im Wortbruch enden
und unsere Liebe sich im Widerspruch auflöst.

Gerade in den schlechten Zeiten
brauchen wir einen,
dessen Gedanken wahrhaftig sind
und dessen Worte nicht brechen;
einen Gott,
der unsere Liebe neu aussät,
behütet und beschützt,
damit sie wächst und gedeiht und reift.

 

Quelle: ► Uwe Seidel, Das kleine Buch der Liebe, März 2002

Zitate zum Thema Ehe / Marriage

Zitate allgemein

(↓)

Neuntes Gebot

Du sollst nicht begehren deines Nächsten Frau. Moses, 10 Gebote (AT)

 

(↓)

Geistige Treue

Wer eine Frau auch nur lüstern ansieht, hat in seinem Herzen schon Ehebruch mit ihr begangen. Matthäus 5, 28 (NT)

 

(↓)

Zeitweilige konsensuelle Enthaltsamkeit in der Ehe

Entzieht euch einander nicht, außer im gegenseitigen Einverständnis und nur eine Zeit lang, um für das Gebet frei zu sein. Dann kommt wieder zusammen. 1. Korinther 7, 5 (NT)

 

(↓)

Vereinigung im Brautgemach

Die Frau aber vereinigt sich mit ihrem Gatten im Brautgemach. Die sich aber im Brautgemach vereinigt haben, werden sich nicht mehr trennen. Deshalb trennte sich Eva von Adam, denn sie hatte sich nicht mit ihm verbunden im Brautgemach. Philippus-Evangelium, Vers 79

 

Während die Vereinigung in dieser Welt (eine von) Mann und Frau ist – der Ort für die Kraft und die Schwäche – ist die Gestalt der Vereinigung im Äon [Pleroma] etwas anderes. Philippus-Evangelium, Vers 103

 

[E]in Geheimnis ist die Hochzeit der Welt für die, die eine Frau genommen haben. Wenn (schon) die Hochzeit der Befleckung verborgen ist, um wieviel mehr ist die unbefleckte Hochzeit ein wahrhaftiges Mysterium? Nicht fleischlich ist sie, sondern rein. Sie gehört nicht zur Begierde, sondern zum Willen. Sie gehört nicht zur Finsternis oder (zur) Nacht, sondern sie gehört zum Tag und zum Licht. Wenn eine Hochzeit entkleidet ist, ist sie Unzucht geworden. Und nicht nur, wenn die Braut den Samen eines anderen Mannes empfängt, sondern auch wenn sie ihr Schlafgemach verlässt und gesehen wird, begeht sie Unzucht. Nur ihrem Vater und ihrer Mutter und dem Freund des Bräutigams und den Kindern des Bräutigams soll sie sich zeigen. Diesen ist es erlaubt, täglich in das Brautgemach hineinzugehen. Die anderen aber mögen begehren, auch nur ihre Stimme zu hören und ihre Salbe zu genießen, und sie mögen sich nähren von den Abfällen, die von der Tafel fallen, wie die Hunde. Bräutigame und Bräute gehören zum Brautgemach. Niemand wird den Bräutigam und die Braut sehen können, außer [er] wird zu diesem. Philippus-Evangelium, Vers 122

 

Persönliche Bekenntnisse

  • Meine Heimat ist meine Frau. Da, wo sie lebt, möchte ich sein. Peter Alexander (1926-2011) österreichischer Schauspieler

 

  • In den langen Sitzungen [seiner Ehetherapie mit seiner Frau nach der medienbekannten Affäre mit Monica Lewinsky] lernten Hillary und ich einander neu kennen. Ich habe Hillary immer sehr geliebt, aber meine Liebe war vielleicht nicht groß genug. Bill Clinton (*1946) US-amerikanischer Politiker, 42. US-Präsident (1993-2001), Biografie Mein Leben, Econ, Erstauflage 1. Juli 2004

Eheringe, Zeichen der Verbundenheit

 

  • Dauerhafte Sicherheit und häufiger, guter Sex schließen sich aus. Kirsten von Sydow, deutsche Psychotherapeutin, Universität Hamburg, zit.: Internationale Konferenz Bindungen – Paare, Sexualität und Kinder, München, 12.-14. November 2010, Es gibt noch Sex in der Ehe, präsentiert von der deutschen Tageszeitung Süddeutsche Zeitung, Werner Bartens, 16. November 2010

 

  • Melancholischer [d.h. lustloser] Sex ist sehr verbreitet. Kate White, britische Therapeutin, Bowlby Centre, London, zit.: Internationale Konferenz Bindungen – Paare, Sexualität und Kinder, München, 12.-14. November 2010, Es gibt noch Sex in der Ehe, präsentiert von der deutschen Tageszeitung Süddeutsche Zeitung, Werner Bartens, 16. November 2010

 

  • Ein Drittel der Langzeit-Ehepaare [durchschnittlich 28 Jahre] sind "stabil unglücklich" oder "unsicher und resigniert in der Beziehung". Julia Berkic, deutsche Pädagogin, Bayerisches Staatsinstitut für Frühpädagogik, zit.: Internationale Konferenz Bindungen – Paare, Sexualität und Kinder, München, 12.-14. November 2010, Es gibt noch Sex in der Ehe, präsentiert von der deutschen Tageszeitung Süddeutsche Zeitung, Werner Bartens, 16. November 2010

Humor

  • Die Ehe war zum jrößten Teile
    vabrühte Milch un Langeweile.
    Un darum wird beim Happy-End
    im Film jewöhnlich abjeblendt.
    Kurt Tucholsky (1890-1935) deutscher Satiriker, Journalist, Schriftsteller, Danach, präsentiert von der deutschen Wochenzeitschrift für Politik, Kunst und Wirtschaft Die Weltbühne, Herausgeber Carl von Ossietzky (1889-1938), S. 517, 1. April 1930

 

  • Wenn ein Mädchen heiratet, tauscht sie die Aufmerksamkeiten vieler Männer gegen die Unaufmerksamkeit eines einzelnen ein. Helen Rowland (1875-1950) US-amerikanische Journalistin, Humoristin, Quelle unbekannt

Anekdote

  • Begegnung zwischen dem Philosophen Richard-David Precht und einem älteren Ehepaar, das seit über 50 Jahren verheiratet war:
Ehemann zu Precht:
"Wir sind seit über 50 Jahren verheiratet. Das Geheimnis unseres Eheerfolges ist, wir bewundern uns seit 50 Jahren."
Dann verließ er den Vortragssaal, um ein Taxi zu winken.
Ehefrau zu Precht:
"Also wissen Sie, Herr Precht, bewundern tu ich ihn nicht, aber gucken sie mal, wie er da steht auf der Straße, so verloren. Dann rührt er mich so."
Radiointerview mit Prof. Dr. Richard David Precht (*1964) deutscher Philosoph, Dozent, Fernsehmoderator, Publizist, Richard David Precht, Philosoph der Liebe, präsentiert vom zweiten Hörfunkprogramm Bayern 2 des deutschen Fernsehsenders Bayerischen Rundfunk, Radiosendung Eins zu Eins. Der Talk, Gastgeberin Ursula Heller, MP3, Minute 44:44, 45:31 Minuten Dauer, gesendet 8. Januar 2017

Zitate zu den Themen Ehebruch ♦ Seitensprung ♦ Status der Geliebten

  • Oft wählten ja gerade Frauen die Geliebtenrolle, die Angst hatten, ihre Autonomie zu verlieren. Die Geliebte ist eine moderne Existenz, man könnte auch sagen, sie ist ein Produkt der Individualisierung. Sie ist selbstbewusst genug, sich im Beruf zu behaupten, hat aber nicht das Gefühl, sie könnte einem Mann erlauben, sie zu versorgen. Wolfgang Schmidbauer (*1941) deutscher Psychoanalytiker, Autor, Die heimliche Liebe. Ausrutscher, Seitensprung, Doppelleben, rororo, 5. Auflage 2. April 2001

 

  • Solange sich die Geliebte einen Nutzen aus der Dreiecksbeziehung verspricht, wird sie sich so lange darauf einlassen, wenn sie aber anfängt zu leiden, beendet sie das Verhältnis schneller als in der Vergangenheit. Vorbei sind die Zeiten, als die Geliebte die Sekretärin war und jahrelang gelitten hat. Die Geliebte von heute, die ein halbes Leben auf den Mann wartet und am Ende durch ein jüngeres Modell ausgetauscht wird, gehört der Vergangenheit an. Hans Jellouschek, deutscher Paartherapeut, Die Rolle der Geliebten in der Dreiecksbeziehung, Goldmann Verlag, 9. Juni 2008

 

  • Die glücklich verheiratete Frau, die eine Affäre hat, ist selten, doch der glücklich verheiratete Mann, der einen Seitensprung wagt, keine Rarität. Über neunzig Prozent aller Affären werden von Männern begonnen, über achtzig Prozent von Frauen beendet. Der Grund dafür ist, dass eine Frau, sobald sie erkennt, dass die Affäre keine dauerhafte emotionale Verbindung verspricht und stets nur auf rein körperlicher Ebene ablaufen wird, aussteigen will. Das Gehirn eines Mannes ist aufgrund seiner Aufteilung in verschiedene Fächer in der Lage, Liebe von Sex zu unterscheiden und sich mit beidem getrennt zu beschäftigen. Ein Mann sieht nicht beides im Zusammenhang, sondern eines getrennt vom anderen. [...] Es ist noch nicht bekannt, wo genau sich der Sitz der Liebe im Gehirn befindet, doch Untersuchungen deuten darauf hin, dass das weibliche Gehirn über ein ganzes Netz an Verbindungen zwischen Liebeszentrum und Sexzentrum (Hypothalamus) verfügt, und dass das Liebeszentrum aktiviert sein muss, bevor das Sexzentrum eingeschaltet werden kann. Bei Männern scheint es keine derartigen Verbindungen zu geben, deswegen können sie problemlos Sex und Liebe unterscheiden. Für einen Mann ist Sex Sex und Liebe Liebe, und in einigen glücklichen Fällen treten beide gemeinsam auf. Allan und Barbara Pease, australisches Bestsellerautorenpaar, Warum Männer nicht zuhören und Frauen schlecht einparken. Ganz natürliche Erklärungen für eigentlich unerklärliche Schwächen, S. 354-355, Ullstein Verlag, Juli 2000, 15. Auflage 2002

Zitate von David Schnarch

Entnommen aus Dr. David Schnarch, US-amerikanischer klinischer Psychologe, Eheberater, Sextherapeut, Autor, Die Psychologie sexueller Leidenschaft [engl. Original Passionate Marriage], Piper Verlag GmbH, Erstausgabe März 2007, 15. April 2009

 

  • Jemanden nicht verlieren zu wollen, ist etwas ganz anderes, als sich ausdrücklich für diese Person zu entscheiden.
  • Man kann zwar den Partner wechseln, sich selbst entkommt man allerdings nicht.
  • Die Flucht zu ergreifen, ist etwas anderes, als sich vorher abzunabeln und erst dann zu gehen.
  • Die eigentliche Fähigkeit zu lieben entwickelt sich dann, wenn ein Paar nicht mehr auf Wolken schwebt.
  • Solange die Partner von gegenseitiger Bestätigung abhängig sind, kontrolliert immer die Person, die das geringere Bedürfnis nach Intimität hat, den Grad an Intimität in der Beziehung.
  • Manche Menschen unterdrücken den Teil in sich, der etwas will: Ihnen ist dann vieles egal, so dass sie auch nicht enttäuscht werden können.
  • Zu streiten ist einfacher als den Partner zu begehren.
  • Gewöhnlich sehen wir einen Gegenstand nur so lang an, bis wir ihn etikettieren können.
  • Manche scheuen sich, ihren Mund einzusetzen, wo sie Genitalkontakt gewohnt sind. Manche scheuen sich, ihre Genitalien einzusetzen, wo ihr Herz beteiligt ist.
  • Frei zu sein von Angst und Zwang mag das Kennzeichen einer guten Partnerschaft sein – es ist jedoch nicht ihr Wegbereiter.
  • Sicherlich ist jedes Eheversprechen "in guten wie in schlechten Zeiten" gültig, aber es beruht auf der Annahme, dass die Partner alles in ihren Kräften stehende tun, um ihre Unzulänglichkeiten zu überwinden, und nicht darauf, dass der Partner sich auf Verlangen mit ihnen abfinden muss.
  • Bei Paaren mit einem hohen Differenzierungsgrad funktioniert Monogamie anders: Sie hört auf eine belastende Vereinbarung mit dem Partner oder der Beziehung zu sein, und wird zu einer Vereinbarung mit sich selbst. Die Beziehung lebt mehr von der persönlichen Integrität und gegenseitigem Respekt als von Deprivation und Brutalität. In einer solchen Beziehung ist eine Affäre mehr ein Selbstbetrug als ein Betrug am Partner (da man sich das Versprechen selbst und nicht dem Partner gegeben hat).
  • Menschen, die sich nicht eingestehen, dass sie hassen, schaden denen, die sie "lieben" in höchstem Maß. Denn man kann nichts kontrollieren, dessen Existenz man nicht zugeben will.
  • Wahre Reue beinhaltet mehr als ein verbales Anerkennen, sie erfordert auch eine unmittelbare Verhaltensänderung.
  • Auch der beste Bergsteiger kann niemals einen Berg "beherrschen", sondern immer nur sich selbst!
  • Man bekommt sich selbst nicht vom Partner zurück, sondern man hört auf, sich selbst aufzugeben.
  • Undifferenzierte Menschen verlangen deshalb von ihrem Partner so viel Verständnis, weil sie sich selbst nicht recht verstehen. Sie fühlen sich verstanden, angenommen und geschätzt, wenn der Partner sie im gleichen Licht sieht, wie sie sich selbst.
  • Wer mit sich selbst zufrieden ist, ist meist auch mit der Partnerschaft zufriedener.

Pflichten der Eheleute
Hebräisch-jüdischer Ehevertrag Ketubah
  • Wer sagt "ich bekomme in der Beziehung nicht, was ich will", gibt sich in dieser Beziehung selbst nicht das, was er erwartet.
  • Frühere Generationen haben erkannt, dass es die Qualität einer Partnerbeziehung fördert, wenn ein, zwei Dinge am Tag ungesagt bleiben.
  • Gefühle, die wir rechtfertigen, sind gewöhnlich nicht diejenigen, die wir wollen.
  • Wer im anderen das Beste anspricht, bringt damit auch das Beste zum Vorschein.
  • Das Reden und Denken sollte man dem Teil der eigenen Person überlassen, den man als den besten empfindet.
  • Austern produzieren Perlen nicht etwa, weil sie etwas Schönes schaffen wollen. Perlen sind das Nebenprodukt eines Versuchs, die durch ein Sandkorn hervorgerufene Irritation zu vermindern.
  • Die Erwartung, dass der andere Ängste und Stress abpuffert und wir nicht selbst Fähigkeiten zu ihrer Regulierung entwickeln müssen, nimmt jeder Beziehung ihre Flexibilität und macht beide Partner stressanfälliger.
  • Man kann nicht unablässig an der Beziehung "arbeiten"!
  • Paare in glücklichen Beziehungen machen in einem Verhältnis von 5:1 mehr positive als negative Aussagen übereinander.
  • Viele Partner kämpfen lieber gegeneinander als gegen sich selbst.
  • Der beste Sex und die innigste Intimität in einer Beziehung resultieren oft aus gegenseitigem Respekt. Respekt ist ein hervorragendes Bindeglied.
  • Paradoxerweise rettet das Aussprechen wichtiger Dinge, die man für "Beziehungskiller" hält, häufig die Beziehung. Empathie ist keine Entschuldigung, mit notwendigen Informationen hinter dem Berg zu halten.
  • Es ist weniger dramatisch, den Respekt zu verlieren, als diesen Respektverlust nicht an- bzw. auszusprechen.
  • Die Erkenntnis, mit verschiedenen Menschen die gleichen Schwierigkeiten zu haben, führt oft zum Erreichen der "kritischen Masse", dem Punkt, an dem Veränderung möglich wird.
  • Menschen, die lauthals verkünden "Ich habe ein Recht auf meine Gefühle" wollen, dass jeder andere sich so verhält, als wären ihre Gefühle stimmig, seine aber nicht.
  • Unsere Fehler und die Handlungen, die wir bereuen, hindern uns nicht daran, das zu werden, was wir sein können. Sie sind vielmehr ein notwendiger Bestandteil dieses Prozesses. Ohne diese Hürden und Umwege gäbe es keine Differenzierung.
  • Einsamkeitserfahrungen können dazu beitragen, die Verbundenheit mit allem und jedem zu erleben.
  • Freiheit heißt nicht, sich vom anderen zu entfernen, sondern sich so zu steuern, dass in der Beziehung Raum für zwei Menschen ist.
  • Dem klassischen Eheversprechen sollten zwei Sätze hinzugefügt werden: "Ich werde immer Halt in mir selbst finden. Und obwohl ich damit rechne, verletzt zu werden, will ich um der Glückseligkeit willen durchhalten."
  • Bei schweigenden Ehepartnern wissen beide, dass der andere nicht hören will, was man denkt.
  • "Die Kommunikation klappt nicht zwischen uns" lässt sich meist übersetzen mit "Ich weigere mich diese Botschaft zu akzeptieren – schick mir eine andere."
  • Die normale Neurose ist unser Bedürfnis, durch das Beschwichtigen anderer unsere "indirekte Selbstakzeptanz" sicherzustellen.
  • Je angespannter wir sind, umso reptilienhafter (also unvernünftiger) reagieren wir.
  • Wenn ein Baby herumgereicht wird, wirkt es auf die Beteiligten wie ein Joint. Wenn das Schamhaar zu sprießen beginnt, umarmen sich Eltern und Kinder, als seien sie Besenstile.
  • Eine Umarmung sollte das Herz ebenso füllen wie die Arme.
  • Stille ist nicht Abwesenheit von Schall, sondern die Gegenwart von Frieden.
  • Man sollte nicht nur die Haut des anderen berühren, sondern auch sein Wesen und seine Gefühle.
  • Das sexuelle Repertoire eines Paares erweitert sich eher durch Konflikte als durch Kompromisse.
  • Wir wollen Entscheidungen, die nichts kosten, und Lösungen, die keine Angst einflößen.
  • Zu wachsen bedeutet nicht, sich von seinen Gefühlen zu reinigen (sie "auszudrücken", also aus sich heraus), sondern sie vermehrt in sich aufzunehmen.
  • Nur wenige beginnen eine Therapie, um etwas an sich selbst zu ändern. Gewöhnlich suchen sie nach Möglichkeiten, ihre Situation oder ihren Partner zu ändern, während sie selbst so bleiben wollen, wie sie sind.
  • Techniken lösen nicht zwischenmenschliche Probleme, das geht nur durch innere Veränderung.
  • Manche Menschen erwarten, dass andere ihre Gedanken lesen und sich dann so verhalten, wie sie selbst es getan hätten.
  • Suche in jedem Problem oder Dilemma nach der noch ungelösten Entwicklungsaufgabe.
  • Menschen mit einem hohen Differenzierungsgrad kümmern sich weder darum, wie sie wirken, noch suchen sie Anerkennung für ihr differenziertes Verhalten. Es geht ihnen allein darum, wer sie sind und wie sie sein wollen.
  • Solange wir unser Selbstgefühl von anderen beziehen, wird uns nie die Freude zuteil, ganz wir selbst zu sein.
  • Spirituelles Erwachen wird oft mit einer Transzendierung jeglichen Verlangens gleichgesetzt, aber manche Formen von Verlangen befreien uns: das Verlangen nach Weisheit, Mitgefühl, Gerechtigkeit, Ehrlichkeit und Großzügigkeit zum Beispiel.
  • "Sünde" ist unsere Weigerung zu begehren und uns zu entwickeln, unsere Weigerung, an uns selbst zu glauben, und unsere Bereitschaft, unter unserem Potential zu leben.
  • Eine wirkliche gute Beziehung bedeutet auch, umso verletzlicher zu sein, denn dann hat man besonders viel zu verlieren.
  • Eine wunderbare Paarbeziehung macht das Leben nicht leicht oder schmerzlos. Es macht die Mühe nur lohnender und den Schmerz sinnvoller.
  • Glück füllt nicht die Leere, die entsteht, wenn man sich endlich von Komplexen befreit und Konflikte gelöst hat.
  • Vertrauen in einer Paarbeziehung hängt besonders davon ab, was man sich selbst zutraut.

 

(↓)

Sexualität

  • Manche "Sexualstörungen" haben eine gesunde Wurzel: Sie sind ein "Nein" zu einem Geben, um zu bekommen, ein "Nein" benutzt zu werden und abzukapseln, ein "Nein" zu Missbrauchserfahrungen in der Vergangenheit.
  • Eine sexuelle Krise bedeutet nicht unbedingt, dass die Beziehung zerbricht, sondern kann ein entscheidender Teil des Prozesses sein, der ihre Reifung vorantreibt.
  • Man sollte sich unter sexueller Kompatibilität lieber den Willen vorstellen, ungleiche Vorlieben gut zu nutzen. Geht man richtig damit um, wird aus dem eigenen Partner der richtige.
  • "Gnadenfick" ist ein Betrug an dem, was Sexualität sein kann. Ein Partner lässt den anderen "ran", um ihn sich vom Hals zu schaffen. Das Ziel ist nicht, den Partner zu "nehmen", sondern es "hinter sich zu bringen", damit man morgen verschont bleibt.

 

♦ 87% der Ehepaare tauschen während des Liebesakts keine Intimität aus.
♦ 70% der normalen Ehepaare haben mangelndes sexuelles Verlangen aufeinander.
♦ 40% der Ehepaare küssen sich kaum während sie Sex miteinander haben.

 

Quelle: ► David Schnarch, Ph.D., US-amerikanischer klinischer Psychologe, Eheberater, Sextherapeut,
Intimität und Verlangen. Sexuelle Leidenschaft wieder wecken, Klett-Cotta, 1. Auflage Februar 2011

General quotes

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31, 10-12 (OT)

 

Jesus: At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
Matthew 22, 30 (NT) New International Version

 

(↓)

Also found in Mark, 12, 18-27 (NT)

Jesus answered them, "The men and women of this age marry, but the men and women who are worthy to rise from death and live in the age to come will neither marry or be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are the children of God, because they have risen from death.  And Moses clearly proves that the dead are raised to life. In the passage about the burning bush he speaks of the Lord as 'the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.' He is the God of the living, not of the dead,  for to him all are alive." Luke 20, 27-39 (NT)

 

We all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. James 3, 2 (NT) English Standard Version, 2001

 

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Luke 6, 41-42 (NT) New International Version (NIV)

 

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
Then come together again.
1. Corinthians 7, 5 (NT)

 

Jesus said to them,
"When you make the two into one,
and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner,
and the upper like the lower,
and when you make male and female into a single one,
so that the male will not be male nor the female be female,
when you make [...] an image in place of an image,
then you will enter [the kingdom]."
Gospel of Thomas, verse 22, part of the Biblical apocrypha, 50-140, 350 AD, rediscovered 1945

Personal avowals

(↓)

Marriage, the cauldron

  • I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage. Mohandas Karamchand Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) Indian Hindu sage, spiritual activist leader, humanitarian, lawyer, nonviolent freedom fighter, aphorism

 

  • There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther (1483-1546) German professor of theology, Protestant reformer, translator of the Bible, Collection of sayings Table Talk [Tischreden], compiled by Johannes Mathesius, Eisleben, 1566

 

(↓)

Impotency put an end to Peck's "brief visit to God's castle".

 

  • The secret of my long and happy marriage is that I know my wife so well that I haven't a clue who she is.
    Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1927-2014) Columbian journalist, screenwriter, short-story writer, novelist, Nobel laureate in literature, source unknown

 

(↓)

On presidential faithfulness

  • I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me. Jimmy Carter (*1924) US American politician, 39th US president (1977-1981), source unknown

 

(↓)

Insight after getting divorced over publicised adultery

  • I didn't properly love my wife. […] There were a number of missteps from my end. Mark Sanford (*1960) US American politician, 115th governor of South Carolina (2003-2011), CNN TV interview, host Piers Morgan, aired 16. August 2011

 

(↓)

Wise husband

Collins makes no major decision without the unanimous agreement of a triumvirate "executive council" of him, his wife Joanne Ernst, and their longstanding research associate, Brian Bagley.

  • We've been married 20 years and we have 50-50 ownership [...] [b]ut she holds all the voting shares.
    James C. Collins (*1958) US American business consultant, lecturer on company sustainability and growth, author, For This Guru, No Question Is Too Big., presented by the US American newspaper The New York Times, Adam Bryant, 23. May 2009, retrieved 31. March 2010

 

  • Every now and again you know, you gotta get over some stuff but life is one damn thing after another and its actually more pleasant to be able to go home with someone you like to spend time with in order to get with it. Interview with Tom Hanks (*1956) US American actor, filmmaker, Tom Hanks on the Key to His Successful Marriage to Rita Wilson, presented by People.com, Raha Lewis, issued 6. November 2015

 

(↓)

Bill Clinton on meeting his wife Hillary for the first time

 

(↓)

When young Bill Clinton came close to her, an inner force stopped him.

  • It was almost a physical reaction. Somehow I knew that this wasn't another tap on the shoulder, that I might be starting something I couldn't stop. Bill Clinton (*1946) US American politician, 42nd US president (1993-2001); cited by: Jeff Gerth, Don Van Natta Jr., Her Way. The Hopes and Ambitions of Hillary Rodham Clinton, S. 44-45, 8. June 2007

 

(↓)

Bill and Hillary's joint decision-making at the beginning of Bill Clinton’s US presidency

  • He would say, 'Hillary thinks this. What do you think?' They really were a partnership. She was the absolutely necessary person he had to have to bounce things up against, and he was that for her. I sensed a tremendous need for each other. They didn't have to see each other, but they would talk continually every day. Bernard Nussbaum (*1937) US American attorney, White House counsel during president Bill Clinton's administration

 

(↓)

Whenever Bill said, "Let me think about it," aides knew he intended to call Hillary.

  • We would always say, 'Has the Supreme Court [Hillary's nickname] been consulted?' Dee Dee Myers (*1961) US American White House press secretary for the first two years of the Clinton administration, cited in: Sally Bedell Smith, For Love of Politics, S. ?, 23. October 2007

 

Recommendations

  • Marriage is indeed a brutal reality, yet the experimentum crucis of life. I hope you learn to endure and not to struggle against the suppressing necessitites of fate. Only thus you remain in the centre. Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) Swiss psychiatrist, psychoanalytist, founder of a new school of depth psychology, author, Gerhard Adler, editor, Aniela Jaffe, editor, Letters of C. G. Jung. Volume I, 1906-1950, S. 172-173, Routledge, 17. May 1973

 

Women are the guardians of connection, men are connectable by instruction.

 

  • Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness, but stability.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez (1927-2014) Columbian journalist, screenwriter, short-story writer, novelist, Nobel laureate in literature, Love in the Time of Cholera [El amor en los tiempos del cólera] Hardback & Paperback, 1st English edition 1988

 


Sausage rolls

 

Insights

  • Gradually I began to recognize that the natural systemic phenomena – particularly in long-term monogamous relationships – in which sex and intimacy are imbedded come out of the same sociobiological forces that gave rise to our capacity for spirituality. The same forces Buddhists refer to as The Great Oneness, and philosophers refer as Creation seeking its own fulfillment through us. David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, cited in interview: The New New Sex Therapy. An Interview with Dr. David Schnarch, presented by Crucible Institute, Psychotherapy in Australia, Vol. 4 No. 2, 1997

 

  • Monogamy creates powerful dynamics which force us to grow or the relationship deteriorates. The very fact that we care about the relationship prompts us to do the growing necessarily to turn things around. If you're in an open relationship and dependent on other-validation, then you just seek out another partner for an infusion of validation when gridlock inevitably develops within your primary relationship. But a monogamous relationship pushes you to hold onto yourself in your relationship with your partner. […] [E]motional gridlock eventually presents all couples with four choices:
    1. try to dominate your partner to accommodate to you,
    2. turn yourself over to your partner,
    3. withdraw physically or emotionally,
    4. or develop a more solid sense of yourself.
I often joke that the task of marriage seems to be finding out who you really are – while fending off a partner who's too ready to tell you! Interview with David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, Third Age Interview with Dr. David Schnarch, presented by Third Age, Mary Tudor, reprinted by Passionate Marriage, Crucible Publishing, January 1998

 

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Love and relationship advice of a large and varied cross-section of long-married elders in a scientifically reliable and valid way

  • Old happy couples
    • believe most marital problems can be solved through open communication, and conversely many whose marriages dissolved blamed lack of communication.
    • strongly advise younger people to wait to marry until they have gotten to know their partner well and have a number of shared experiences.
  • Rather than seeing marriage as a voluntary partnership that lasts only as long as the passion does, the elders propose a mindset in which it is a profound commitment to be respected, even if things go sour over the short term. Many struggled through dry and unhappy periods and found ways to resolve them — giving them the reward of a fulfilling, intact marriage in later life.
  • Any difficulty, illness, or setback experienced by one member of the couple is the other partner's responsibility.
  • The most critical need for similarity is in core values regarding potentially contentious issues like child-rearing, how money should be spent, and religion.
Old Couples Tell Researchers the Secrets to a Happy Marriageby Natalie Shoemaker, presented by Big Think, Christian Rudder (*1975) US American entrepreneur, co-founder and president of OkCupid, authorwriter, ~February 2014
Article Love, factually: Gerontologist finds the formula to a happy marriage., sponsored by Cornell University, presented by US American news website for topical science articles Science Daily, presented by US American news website for topical science articles Science Daily, 17. June 2015

Bill Griffith Wilson [Bill W.] (1895-1971) US American co-founder of the international mutual aid fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Sexual compulsion itself is still a confusing secret in our world, even today. On the one hand, we chuckle at a sexually compulsive athlete, and even encourage the circumstances of their compulsion, but on the other hand we decry it. Our girls must be virgins, but they must also be sophisticated. Our boys must be man enough to score, but also gentleman enough to provide emotional and permanent financial support for any child they father.
    In the world in which Bill Wilson matured, men were assumed to be sexually driven creatures whose bestial desires could only be tamed by the love of a gentle woman, if they were lucky enough to find that gentle woman. In the meantime, bundling boards — low walls clapped into place across the bed — and homemade chastity belts were used to keep the beast at bay. In a world without birth control, the general result was men trying to express themselves sexually and women, terrified of pregnancy, failing to respond. Susan Cheever (*1943) US American author, My Name Is Bill. Bill Wilson – His Life and the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous, S. 228, Washington Square Press, 23. August 2005

 

(↓)

Biographer glossing over and white-washing Bill Wilson's notorious philandering and repeated cheating on his wife

See also confirmation: Bill Wilson. Little Known Facts About Bill W., presented by Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed., US American mental health professional, recovering alcoholic, 2007-2012

  • Wilson's marriage to Lois Burnham in 1918 lasted until his death at the age of seventy-five in 1971. She believed in him fiercely and tended his flame. Yet, particularly during his sober decades in A.A. in the forties, fifties and sixties, Bill Wilson was a compulsive womanizer. His flirtations and his adulterous behavior filled him with guilt, according to old-timers close to him, but he continued to stray off the reservation. His last and most serious love affair, with a woman at A.A. headquarters in New York, began when he was in his sixties. She was important to him until the end of his life, and was remembered in a financial agreement with A.A. This affair, and experiments in spiritualism, LSD and megavitamin therapy, scandalized A.A. trustees and other veterans in the home office. Some felt Wilson was not upholding the high ideals of the organization and was muddying its singleness of purpose and peddling crackpot ideas to a membership that worshiped him. [...]
    Another said, "As a failed human I couldn't stand it if I thought Bill hadn't failed. I couldn't live up to a perfect example." Nan Robertson, Getting Better Inside Alcoholics Anonymous, S. 36, William Morrow and Company, Inc., New York, 1988

 

  • One evening at the end of an arduous session at the palace, [during the Potsdam conference], a young Army public relations officer, seeing that [US president] Truman was about to leave alone in his car, stuck his head in the window and asked if he might hitch a ride. Truman told him to get in and Floyd Boring, who was driving, could not help overhearing the conversation as they headed off. The officer said that if there was anything the President wanted, anything at all he needed, he had only to say the word. "Anything, you know, like women."
    "Listen son, I married my sweetheart," Truman said. "She doesn't run around on me, and I don't run around on her. I want that understood. Don't ever mention that kind of stuff to me again."
    "By the time we were home," Boring remembered, "he got out of the car and never even said goodbye to that guy."
    David McCullough (*1933) US American historian, narrator, lecturer, author, two-time Pulitzer Prize laureate, Truman, S. 435, Simon & Schuster, New York, reprint edition 14. June 1993

 

(↓)

Cheating husband speaking on family values in public

Marianne Ginrich, second wife of US politician Newt Gingrich reports his reply to her question how he justified having a secret extramarital affair and giving public speeches on family values.

  • It doesn't matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live. Divorced second wife Marianne Gingrich; cited in: Newt Gingrich: The Indispensable Republican, presented by Esquire.com, John H. Richardson, 10. August 2010

 

(↓)

Mistress overlooking the red flags at premature proposal by a married man

  • He was impressed easily by position, status, money. He grew up poor and always wanted to be somebody, to make a difference, to prove himself, you know. He has to be historic to justify his life. He asked me to marry him way too early. And he wasn't divorced yet. I should have known there was a problem. Divorced second wife Marianne Gingrich, cited in: Newt Gingrich: The Indispensable Republican, presented by Esquire.com, John H. Richardson, 10. August 2010

 

(↓)

Celebrities admitting and apologizing for adultery in public

  • After leaving the governor's office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry. I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not. Arnold Schwarzenegger (*1947) Austrian-American 38th governor of California (2003-2011), former professional bodybuilder, actor, model, businessman, Arnold Schwarzenegger admits fathering a secret love child with member of household staff during marriage to Maria Shriver, presented by the British conservative, middle-market daily tabloid newspaper Daily Mail, 17. May 2011

 

  • I was living a life of a lie, I really was. And I was doing a lot of things [...] that hurt a lot of people. And stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face it and you start conquering it and you start living up to it, the strength that I feel now [...] I've never felt that type of strength. Tiger Woods (*1975) US American professional most successful golfer worldwide, in sex addiction rehabilitation, Tiger Woods said he was living a lie in ESPN Interview, presented by Examiner, 22. March 2010

 

Insights

  • You don't work on your marriage, your marriage works on you. David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, source unknown

 

Appeal / recommendation'

 

  • If you can make it work, marriage is really great for you. It makes you much healthier, much wealthier, and much cheerier – no question at all. It is probably the single best investment in well-being you can make. Of course finding the right person is not so easy. But both first and second marriages produce, for men and women, huge amounts of happiness. Andrew Oswald (*1953) US American professor of economics, Warwick University, United Kingdom, IZA Institute, Bonn, Ten Minute Challenge, Wise up and talk to each other
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Gandhi and his wife Kasturbai

Changed by the crucible of marriage

  • Gradually Gandhi began to see that she (his wife, Kasturbai) was practicing every day what he himself had been admiring as a theoretical ideal. He took up her example, and each became the other's teacher as Gandhi learned Kasturbai's patience and inspired her with his own fiery enthusiasm in return. It was a long arduous, exacting discipline, which he used to say required the patience of a man trying to empty the sea with a cup. But every time they overcame a barrier between them, they found they were not only able to love each other more, they had more love and patience for everyone else as well. By the time Gandhi had learned to bring this love to bear even on his enemies, Kasturbai too was in prison, gathering other women to her leadership. Eknath Easwaran (1910-1999) Indian spiritual teacher of Passage Meditation, translator, interpreter of spiritual literature, author, Gandhi the Man. How one man changed himself to change the world, Nilgiri Press, 4th edition 11. April 2011

 

 

 

  • When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them. Martin Buber (1878-1965) Austrian-born Jewish religious researcher and philosopher, source unknown

 

Differentiating bonding from bondage – Spiritual bonding ➤ purpose of life
"Religion comes from the Latin verb "religare" which means "to bind". It's about bonding. […]
The purpose of marriage is to teach you the difference between bonding and bondage. Bonding is wonderful, bondage is terrible. They both sound alike, but they are very different. That's true for religion, too. The bonding that religion is about is the bonding between spirits, yours and the spirit of your beloved. Unless you have a spiritual view of life religion is very difficult for you, because physical bonding is clumsy, whereas spiritual bonding is very refined and powerful. Love is the bonding of the spirit, love is the ecstacy of bonding, in fact. What we really live for is spiritual bonding because from that we get the meaning of life.
Love is motivated by compassion [empathy], lust is movitated by envy.
Practice your spiritual bonding – distracted by physical beauty or not."
Audio interview with Father Charles L. Moore (1927-2007) US American Roman Catholic priest, theologian, philosopher, scholar, historian, district attorney, spiritual teacher, modern mystic, Father Charles – Moore  Biblical History, presented by the US American talk radio show Coast to Coast AM, host Art Bell (*1945) US American broadcaster, author, recorded 16. November 1999, YouTube film, minute 2:31:36, 3:08:39 duration, posted 24. June 2016

 

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The partners of balanced couple can multiply their "individual" power up to 64 times.

  • Everyone recognizes to some extent the type that each is drawn to and they intuitively feel each other’s polarity, mentally and physically. Such types naturally gravitate to and recognize each other, so that out of any hundred people, ninety-nine might have no mental or sex appeal for each other – while the hundredth would. All humans should seek the type which corresponds to their own electric wave length. When types so find each other, they will be as perfectly balanced as sodium and chlorine, and the union should be enduring.
    It is a common saying that people should marry their opposites. Nothing could be more contrary to universal law than this statement. Everywhere in Nature, like attracts like. This is fundamental. Opposites repel each other. Opposites in temperament and physical patterns invite discord, infidelity and mutual degradation. Matrimonial mismating unbalances the blood stream just as certainly as promiscuous mismating unbalances it. Walter Russell (1871-1963) US American polymath, natural philosopher, mystic, architect, painter, sculptor, builder, author (unified theory in physics and cosmogony), Message of the Divine Iliad Vol. 2, S. 167, University of Science and Philosophy, June 1971

 

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Equal pairs of opposites

  • Every pair of opposites is divided by an equilibrium which is a balance between the two, but that balance is nit either of the two. Sodium-chloride is an equilibrium which voids both sodium and chlorine, for neither is present in it. Likewise, water is the equator which voids hydrogen and oxygen.
    All opposites of all kinds extend from a mutual equator which is their common unity, and to that equator they must eventually return in order to repeat. Every pair must become one in order to again become two. Men and women do not escape this two-way reciprocative law. Each becomes what the other is. Both are always compromising each other's unbalance. If the two unbalances are equal and opposite, each type will survive and grow mentally, spiritually and physically. If the two unbalanced mates are unequal in their opposition, the penalty is degeneration – mentally, spiritually and physically. The quality of one mate is a compromise with the quality of the other. The pattern resulting from this spiritual, mental and moral development is compromised for good or bad by every contact between them – no matter how slight. This is true even outside the sex union. Walter Russell (1871-1963) US American polymath, natural philosopher, mystic, architect, painter, sculptor, builder, author (unified theory in physics and cosmogony), Message of the Divine Iliad Vol. 2, S. 168-169, University of Science and Philosophy, June 1971

 

  • Question: Is it possible for people of different calibrations to be married peacefully?
    Answer: Yes. There is a higher purpose to every relationship. What appears on the outside as a mismatch may be just exactly what the two people need. […] As the Course says, "Everyone is our teacher." When that teaching has reached its conclusion the relationship may disappear Why? Because it has served its purpose and is no longer suitable for that state of spiritual evolution of one or the other or both parties. A lot of relationships come together as an agreement, which people have forgotten about. […]
    People get involved with each other but very rarely aligned. What makes relationship work is not involvement.  Involvement is a dime a dozen […] which is a solar plexus kind of possessive exclusivity. To make relationship work is to be aligned with the good and the welfare and the happiness of the other person. If both people are aligned with the relationship then it can withstand almost anything. So long as you are aligned with each other it will survive any travail. If you're merely involved with each other you can get divorced over chocolate versus vanilla. Audio interview Q&A with Dr. David R. Hawkins, MP3, part 3 of 3, presented by ACIM Miracles Center, Sedona AZ, parent directory of audio files, host H. David Fishman, 30 minutes of 90 minutes, last question at the very end, aired 6. February 2005

 

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Cultural shift in family building and relating patterns:
1. Companionship is primary.
2. Children are secondary.

  • The sexual and cultural revolutions of the 1960s have pushed the bearing and rearing of children from the core of marriage's social meaning. Ask twentysomethings and thirtysomethings what they hope for from marriage. They will, of course, tell you that they want love and that they definitely want companionship – indeed, that they expect their spouse to be their best friend. And obviously they want to share the pleasures of sex. Then ask them about children. Many will pause and say well, yes, certainly, they are thinking about children, and eventually, somewhere down the line, they expect to have one or two. But
    • children, once at the center of marriage, have now become negotiable, and
    • what used to be negotiable – love, companionship, sex – has moved to the center.
Peter Berkowitz, Ph.D. (*1959) US American political scientist, former law professor, Stanford University, research fellow of The Hoover Institution, The Court, the Constitution, and the Culture of Freedom, presented by policy review, No. 132, 1. August 2005

 


Phil and Marlene, a couple from United States of America
  • Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. Richard Chartres (*1947) English Gresham professor of divinity (1987-1992) Anglican Bishop of London, homily at the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate, Westminster Abbey, 29. April 2011

 

 

 

  • Partners eat each others hearts. If you want to torture your partner, one of the best ways to do it is around sex. The best way to out of this cruelty involves
    (a) giving a clear and complete accounting of yourself and what you've been doing, and
    (b) giving your partner a fair shot at his own vision of happiness.
David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, Intimacy & Desire. Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship, Beaufort Books, S. 231, 15. October 2009

 

Explanation: The older a couple grows together, the greater the quality of intimacy and the better the sex. Research shows that intimacy (to feel known by one's partner) and sexual pleasure are potentially better at 50-60 years of age.

  • Modern society mistakenly assumes that adolescence is the sexual prime of life, because we commonly confuse genital prime with sexual prime. When adults stop to examine their own lives, they often realize that they are much better in bed when they're 50 or 60 than they were when they were twenty. If you're interested in intimacy and eroticism during sex, the more mature person is usually a better partner. Men get to the point that they can tolerate a woman who's an equal in bed, and they can stop performing and let someone hold them. Women stop hiding their eroticism or protecting the man's ego, and openly enjoy their sexual prowess. Men and women often become more sexually compatible as they mature, and "third-agers" often have the best sex of their lives. It turns out that cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated! David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, cited in interview: Third Age Interview with Dr. David Schnarch, presented by Third Age, Mary Tudor, reprinted by Passionate Marriage, Crucible Publishing, January 1998

 

  • [F]rom an anthropological and sociological view, it is very clear that the basic human mating is serial monogamy plus affairs. That's it. That's not really disputable. [...] [P]air bonding is one of the basic characteristics of human relationships. Audio interview with David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author, David Schnarch: Emotional Commitment and Great Sex?, episode 4545, presented by multimedia publishing company Sounds True, Insights at the Edge, host and founder Tami Simon (*1963), 67 minutes duration, aired 27. September 2011

 

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Marriage as an alchemical crucible

  • Question: Is marriage a particularly fertile place for dark nights of the soul to come about?
    Answer: Marriage is a great mystery. [...] It is mysterious how you meet the person, what attracted one person to the other. [...] After you have lived together for a while it gets even worse, more entangled. Marriage is a great example of the life of a soul. [...] When you marry someone else you are really getting linked up with their soul which is largely unconscious to them. [...] The marriage often contradicts your conscious desires and wishes for it. [...] You got into something that is full of soul and heart. [...] The families are very much part of the married, the families get married, too. [...] It is an illusion that is only about two people trying to be compatible. [...] You may not be compatible at all, but still you want to be together. Audio interview with Thomas Moore, Ph.D. careofthesoul.net, US American professor of religious studies, Catholic monk, psychotherapist, musician, writer, Marrying God. Diary of a Poet-Priest, Dark Nights of the Soul, presented by Canadian CBC Radio Tapestry, host Mary Hynes, Canadian journalist, minutes 21:26-26:22, aired 24. July 2005

 

  • We have stopped believing in dynastic marriages.
    We are starting to see the drawbacks of romantic marriages.
    Now comes the time for psychological marriages.
    The time has come for a third kind of marriage. The marriage of psychology. One where one doesn’t marry for land, or for 'the feeling' alone, but only when 'the feeling' has been properly submitted to examination and brought under the aegis of a mature awareness of one's own and the other's psychology.
    In the age of the marriage of reason, one might have considered the following criteria when marrying:
    ➢ who are their parents
    ➢ how much land do they have
    ➢ how culturally similar are they
    In the Romantic age, one might have looked out for the following signs to determine rightness:
    ➢ one can’t stop thinking of a lover
    ➢ one is sexually obsessed
    ➢ one thinks they are amazing
    ➢ one longs to talk to them all the time
    We need a new set of criteria. We should wonder:
    ➢ how are they mad
    ➢ how can one raise children with them
    ➢ how can one develop together
    ➢ how can one remain friends.
    Article How we end up marrying the wrong people, presented by The Philosophers' Mail, written by The School of Life, undated

 

  • For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. [...] Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) US American critic of American life and culture, satirist, journalist, magazine editor, essayist, author, cited in:  Words of Wisdom. H. L. Mencken, S. 15, Students' Academy, Lulu Press, 4. December 2014

 

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Kindness and generosity make for longterm marriages.

 

  • Beyond the profound federal perks,
    • married people make more money;
    • we're healthier, physically and emotionally;
    • we produce happier, more stable and more successful kids;
    • we have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends;
    • we even live longer.
Video presentation by Jenna McCarthy, US American writer, What you don't know about marriage, presented by TEDx Talks American Riviera, YouTube film, minute 9:02, 11:18 minutes duration, filmed November 2011, posted 14. February 2012

 

 

  • God wants to kill you. Not the physical you, but the selfish you. [...] [I]f there was ever an institution designed to kill the selfish you, it's marriage. In fact, it is virtually impossible to succeed at marriage if you don't learn how to let the selfish part of you die. Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, undated

 

  • [Scene: past wedding day]
    Husband says to wife: "I hope you'll never change."
    Wife says to husband: "I [we] need to change you."
    Women improve men. They do, if you [men] don't kill them first.
    This change agent [a woman] is good for men. They don't like it. […]
    The good news is women can generally get a man to where they want them. They just need to remember it's a long term project ... twenty, thirty years. Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, speech undated, partially here: A man still does not do anything, YouTube film, 1:23 minutes duration, posted 21. January 2011

 

  • Women are givers. Men are takers. Video presentation Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, You Need to Take from a Man, YouTube clip, minute 0:27, 1:32 minutes duration, posted 5. January 2010

 

  • Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Don't pull her away from her support structure (sisters, mom, friends). Family should play a huge factor in who to marry in the first place (no force applied). [...] The biggest success factor in marriage is the family structure. Video interview with Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, WEB EXTRA!'', presented by TV channel CBN News, host Paul Strand, 18. June 2008

 

2011 study: Single men are just as eager to marry as single women.

  • A 2011 study of 5,200 singles in America (done by Match.com and based on the US census to accurately represent the US population) showed that men are just as eager to marry as women. Among individuals between the ages of 21 and 34,
    • 62% of both sexes said they were eager to wed.
In some cohorts, women were slightly more eager to marry, while in others men were slightly more eager, but the differences were not significant.
In a study done in 2000, more men than women reported that marriage was their "ideal lifestyle". Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology, human behavior researcher, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, expert on romantic love, chief scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, 8 Surprising Truths About Men, presented by Actualise Daily, 16. February 2012

 

  • A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal. Anne Lamott (*1954) US American recovering conversed alcoholic, bestselling author, Joe Jones. A Novel, Shoemaker & Hoard, 1st edition 5. August 2003

 

Explanation: According to St. Paul in the New Testament the sex drive is the reason for marriage and longterm relationships.

  • Marriage is like a thread, it must go straight or it will rattle. And I think it is always the woman who must keep the thread straight to save the marriage. That is because women are wise. They have to make choices, and they choose for the family even though sometimes they must sacrifice themselves. Sophia Loren (*1934) world class Italian actress, source unknown

 

  • Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes. Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) Scottish poet, essayist, travel writer, novelist, source unknown

 

  • The survival of the Old Paradigm relies on its citizens staying asleep, therefore there is no such thing as Enlightenment or Self-Realization in the Old Paradigm. But the New Paradigm holds the space for each of us to become Awake with permission to be ever-expanding, evolving and free to be our Selves, forever-young and Eternal. Maha Brown, David Pan Brown, The Esoteric Path of Marriage. Spiritual Enlightenment Through Relationship, Sacred Human Press, 1st edition 15. November 2015

 

  • Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't;
    men hope women won't change but they do.
    Bettina Arndt (*1949) Australian clinical psychologist, sex therapist, journalist, Private Lives, 1986

 

  • Marriage Box
    Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. [...]
    The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out.
    There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage.
    There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage.
    A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full.
    If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty. Unknown author

 

  • Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. Groucho Marx (1890-1977) US American comedian, entertainer, actor, unsourced

 

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Adultery

The couple Chris and Cindy Beall reunited after his adultery became known.

  • Intimacy is a critical ingredient to a God honoring healthy marriage.
    Intimacy is birthed out of the  environment of trust.
    And trust can only be had where there is honesty.
    Video interview with Chris Beall, How do you walk through exposing an adulterous affair?, YouTube film, minute 5:50, 9:16 minutes duration, posted 14. September 2009

 

Online dating – prospects

  • I think that online dating is just the newest way of doing the same old thing. As a matter of fact, I think it's actually a little bit more natural. [...] With a very high divorce rate, there's a lot of people who are back in the dating game in their mid-30's, 40's, 50's, and higher. […] And among the young people it's Twitter and Facebook and other social networks. So, I think that the human animal loves. We’re born to love. […] It's the same brain system whether you’re 10 years old, or whether you're 90 years old.
    It's much more natural to meet somebody having already known what they do for a living, how old they are, what some of their goals are, what their interests are. […] And so with these new networking sites, you do get to know some basic things about somebody before you meet them, and that’s more natural.
Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian US American research professor of anthropology, Rutgers University, human behavior researcher on romantic interpersonal attraction, chief scientific advisor to Chemistry.com, What is Love, presented by Big Think, Interview transcript, minute 27:05 out of 33:29 minutes duration, posted 12. February 2010

Literary, TV series, movies quotes

  • ANDRÉ GREGORY: If you live with somebody for a long time, people are constantly saying, "Well, of course it's not as great as it used to be, but that's only natural. The first blush of a romance goes, you know, and that's the way it has to be." Now, I totally disagree with that. But I do think you have to constantly ask yourself the question, with total frankness, is your marriage still a marriage? Is the sacramental element still there? Just as you have to ask about the sacramental element of your work – is it still there? And I mean, it's a very frightening thing to have to realize suddenly that, 'My God, I thought I was living my life, but in fact I haven't been a human being. I've been a performer. I haven't been living. I've been acting. I've acted the role of the father. I've acted the role of the husband. I've acted the role of the friend. I've acted the role of the writer or director or whatever. I've lived in the same room with this person, but I haven't really seen them. I haven't really heard them. I haven't really been with them.' US American movie My Dinner with Andre, transcript, produced by Janus Films, 1981, YouTube film, 1:51:47 duration, posted 3. April 2017

Englische Texte – English section on Marriage

Four major biological love types – Helen Fisher

In 2009 Dr. Helen Fisher reviewed personality data from 39,913 members of Chemistry.com.
The ratio and bonding tendencies are as follows in general and this [specific] first survey:
➤ 38% [26.0] percent Explorers – attracted to other Explorers – click factor: Similarity
➤ 19% [28.6] percent Builders – attracted to other Builders – click factor: Similarity
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
➤ 13% [16.3] percent Directors – attracted to Negotiators – click factor: Complementarity
➤ 30% [29.1] percent Negotiators – attracted to all types, mainly Directors – click factor: Versatility

 

Four basic temperaments (personality types) as defined by Plato, Aristotle, Galen (2nd century A.D.), Carl Gustav Jung, Myer-Briggs, the Enneagram are shaped by their respective driving brain chemicals:
1. Dopamine/Norepinephrine
2. Serotonin
3. Testosterone
4. Estrogen/Oxytocin.

 


Bonding preferences – characteristics of the four love types / temperaments
Type
Personalities
Traits
Description
Behavior largely
shaped by

Brain chemicals
Longs for aBonds preferably with
(Couples)
Best match
with
Worst match
with
Explorer

John F. Kennedy, Princess Diana,
Angelina Jolie
Michelle Obama
Barack Obama
Highly curious, creative, energetic, spontaneous, adventurous, risk-taking, novelty-seeking, creative, expansive, adaptable, crave adventure, many interests (hiking, spelunking to theater, reading) Brain chemical Dopamine (associated with curiosity and spontaneity) is the key player of the experience of pleasure and novelty.PlaymateOther Explorers

Barack and Michelle Obama
BuilderDirector
Builder

George Washington,
Colin Powell,
Tiger Woods,
Jennifer Aniston,
Queen Elizabeth,
Gordon Brown II.
Calm, social, popular, managerial (good at managing people), networking, building family and community, religious, typically conventional, honorable, dutyful, loyal; cautious without being afraid. Drawn to schedules and rules, detail oriented, thorough, conscientious, dependableThe defining neurochemical is Serotonin (associated with sociability and feelings of calm) modulates moods like aggression, anger, and calm.HelpmateOther Builders

Gordon and Sarah Brown
ExplorerDirector
Director
Type A personality


Albert Einstein, Donald Trump, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Nicolas Sarkozy
Analytical, logical, straightforward, assertive, decisive, aggressive, single-minded, tough minded, focused, inventive, daring, direct, original, inventive, focused, good at rule-based and spatial skills like mechanics, math, and music, tends to be ambitious and competitive, emotionally contained, aloof; willl rush into a burning building to save a strangerTestosterone (found in both genders) is especially active – associated with independence and rational thinkingMind mate

Motto: "One ought to hold on to one's heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head, too." Friedrich Nietzsche
Negotiators

Hillary (Dir) and Bill Clinton (Neg)
Tom Cruise (Dir) and Katie Holmes (Neg)
NegotiatorBuilder
Negotiator

Bill Clinton, Mahatma Gandhi, Charles Darwin, Klaus Schwab, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carrie Bradshaw
Imaginative, intuitive, idealistic, big-picture thinker, flexible, creative, empathetic, sympathetic, emotionally expressive, verbally and socially skilled; see the bigger context with its many optionsEstrogen,
later Oxytocin (associated with intuition and creativity – found in both genders) plays an important character building role.
Soul mateDirectors

Bill (Neg) and Hillary Clinton (Dir)
Katie Holmes (Neg) and Tom Cruise (Dir)
Good with all types!None
Visual sources featuring Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology, human behavior researcher, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, expert on romantic love, chief scientific advisor to Chemistry.com, author
► Video presentation Find out why we're addicted to love, Interview transcript, PDF, presented by The Science Network (TSN), host Roger Bingham, around minute 65:00, 1:54:00 duration, 9. June 2006
► Video presentation Human Emotion. Four Personality Types, sponsored by DLD, presented by Fora.TV, chapter 06 Why Do Fools Fall in Love? [10:43 minutes duration], 25:24 minutes total duration, aired 24. January 2010
Explorers – minutes 2:21-3:52; Builders – minutes 3:53-5:16; Directors – minutes 5:14-7:25 Negotiators – minutes 7:26-9:24
► Video interview Are You Chemically Compatible?, YouTube film, 4:13 minutes duration, posted 2. February 2009
► Video presentation Corporate chemistry, presented The Economist magazine, conference Ideas Economy: Information 2012, San Francisco, California, 5.-6. June 2012, 24:50 minutes duration, posted by EconomistMagazine 3. July 2012
Percentages: 38% Explorerers, 19% Builders, 13% Directors, 30% Negotiators
► Video presentation Biology of the mind, presented by TEDxEast, YouTube film, 21:43 minutes duration, posted 28. June 2012
The Greek philosopher Plato was the first one to notice and describe the four basic personality types. Helen Fisher is the most recent one of a line of researchers of the four human types:
* Plato's Artisan corresponds with Fisher's Explorer.
* Plato's Guardian corresponds with Fisher's Builder.
* Plato's Rational corresponds with Fisher's Director.
* Plato's Idealist corresponds with Fisher's Negotiator.

 


Dating advice for the four love types
Type Effective body chemical Advices for typesDating advices
Explorers
Artisan temperament
Dopamine/
Norepinephrine

Exciting
Impulsive as you are, you can get romantically involved too fast. Go slowly.
Hating confrontation, you risk bolting from a relationship that could prove fantastic.
If you find someone you are genuinely interested in, focus your energy on him or her.
Be prepared to live this romance one day at a time. Remain flexible.
Know that for your partner, "dullness is a misdemeanor." Ethel Wilson
Builders
Guardian temperament
Serotonin
Calming
Your taste for plans and schedules may not get in the way of trying new things on a date (unless you meet another Builder).
Modest and in favor of socializing with the gang, take time to be alone with your romantic interest.
Your tendency to be protective will be appreciated. Don't appear controlling.
Builders are the most likely to seek a lifelong partner.
They like to be concrete and to revel in the details. They're attracted to orderly and calm people, who carry out plans on schedule.
Directors
Rational temperament
Testosterone
Pointed
You like to be in control and tend to date with determination.
Be patient and let things unfold naturally. That will help to avoid scaring off possible romance.
Share your feelings. While you may regard expressing your emotions as a weakness, the other person may read your restraint as a sign that you are cold, secretive, or uninterested.
Directors will respond best if you are logical, accurate, and clear.
Don't criticize yourself.
To win your partner, pursue topics of substance rather than small talk.
Negotiators
Idealist temperament
Estrogen /
Oxytocin
Inclusive
Watch out for your inclination to act diplomatic. You may appear spineless.
Avoid drowning your date in a verbal deluge.
Don't overthink endlessly a new relationship going over the pros and cons.
It's important for you to settle for a deeply meaningful, authentic relationship.
Negotiators aren't always direct, so read between their lines.
Do not compete with them.
Talk about yourself as negotiators love hearing about what you're thinking and feeling.
They will fall for you if you stimulate their imagination.
Sources featuring Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology, human behavior researcher, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, expert on romantic love, chief scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, author
Book Why Him? Why Her? – Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type, Henry Holt, 1st edition 20. January 2009
56 questions inquire what personality type the reader is:
Builders like routine and orderliness.
Explorers go for the unpredictable.
Directors debate anyone.
Negotiators easily imagine both good and bad things happening.

Article What is your love type?, presented by the US American monthly magazine O, The Oprah Magazine, date unknown
Article Builder, Negotiator, Explorer and Director – Which Personality Type Are You?, presented by personalitycafe.com, 12. March 2009

Biology of the three basic mating drives of human/animal pair bonding – Helen Fisher

Neuroanthropologist and brain researcher Helen Fisher, Ph.D. and her colleagues confirm three very strong circuits/drives which have evolved in the brain of animals and humans. They may lead one to act self sacrificial (dying for the other) as well as to killing oneself, or the other when rejected.

 

Dr. Fisher divides love into three categories involving different brain systems:

  1. Lust – craving for sexual gratification – driven by androgens and estrogens
  2. Attraction (romantic/passionate love) – euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking,intense craving for the individual – driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin
  3. Attachment/Bonding – sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner – driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin

 


Three mating circuits (drives) in the brains of humans and animals
CircuitDriveCircuit of the
triune brain
Description of the functionDriving hormones
Sources
1.Sex driveOldest brain circuit
Reptilian complex
Ego-Id driven, random,
Collects many short-term partners
Testorenone
Estrogen
Adrenaline
2.Attraction
Romantic love
Younger brain circuit
Limbic system
Paleomammalian complex
Ego driven, deliberate,
In search of one / several chosen partner/s
Dopamine, Norephenephrine
3.Bonding
Longterm attachment
Youngest brain circuit
Neocortex
Neomammalian complex
Love induced committed relationship (marriage) with a partner
Serves to raise children
Oxytocin
Vasopressine
When these three compartmentalized brain systems are
not well synchronized trouble may most invariably arise.
The prefrontal cortex (i.e. the nonlinear immortal etheric brain) is not yet of
scientific interest given the machine-based research in respect to human pair bonding.

 

Visual sources featuring Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian US American research professor of anthropology, Rutgers University, human behavior researcher on romantic interpersonal attraction, research professor, department biological anthropology, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, chief scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, author
► Video presentation Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, location The Book Works, Del Mar, California, presented by The Science Network (TSN), host Roger Bingham, 43:00 minutes duration, 8. June 2006
► Video presentation Why we love and cheat, presented by TED Talks 2006, 23:21 minutes duration, filmed February 2006, posted September 2006
► Video presentation The brain in love, presented by TED Talks 2006, 15:56 minutes duration, filmed February 2008, posted July 2008
See also:
Three mating drives Helen Fisher ∞ Three types of integration of Yin and Yang Lao Tzu
Seven primary affective systems – Jaak Panksepp


Simplified overview of the chemical basis of love

 


Triangular theory of love, developed by Robert J. Sternberg



Various love styles

Six love styles – John A. Lee
Love typeLegend
ErosPassionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment, stereotype of romantic love
LudusPlayful love that is played as a game or sport, conquest
StorgeAffectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity
PragmaRational, undemonstrative love driven by the head, not the heart
ManiaHighly volatile love fueled by low self-esteem, obsession
AgapeSelfless altruistic love, spiritual love, motherly love
Sources featuring the six love styles found by John A. Lee, US American sociologist, researcher, author,
Book Colours of love. An exploration of the ways of loving, New Press, Toronto, 1973
Book excerpt Love styles, cited in: MH Barnes, Robert J. Sternberg, The Psychology of Love, Yale University Press, New Haven, Connecticut, S. 38-67, 1988
Article John Lee's Six Love Styles from Psychology Studies, presented by Forest for Women, undated
Siehe auch: ► Ausdrucksformen der Liebe – Susan und Clyde Hendrick

Habits for thriving couples

1. HABITGive each other pleasure.
2. HABITCreate love and friendship rituals.
3. HABITCreate a safe space for open and honest sharing.
4. HABITWork together to resolve conflict and crisis.
5. HABITTurn toward each other rather than away.
6. HABITSchedule time for love.
7. HABITCreate meaning in your relationship.

 

Successful couple model

  1. Recall and keep in mind the good things in the relationship.
  2. Don't take spouse's negativity too personally.
  3. Remember that the effort for change shows the greatest love even though
      it may take a while to reach your ultimate marital goals.
Remember that men are emotional beings who react well to kindness and appreciation. They can say they're sorry and understand your feelings. They can do it all emotionally if given the chance, and for them that chance comes with your focusing on the positive.
Source: ► M. Gary Neuman, US American marriage counselor, The Truth about Cheating.
Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
, Wiley, 1st edition 25. August 2008

Marriage success – Building friendship

Marriage researchers say ...

  • Most couples get married because they are great friends.
  • Most couples divorce because they have grown apart.
  • Building friendship or dedication is the ultimate key to a successful marriage.
  • Friendship depends on making time to deepen the relationship.
    Spending time together doing simple things keeps friendships fresh and alive.
    Spending time together allows the good and bad to be discussed.
Source: ► marriage.about.com, presented by The 10 Minute Challenge, undated

Increasing intimacy and strengthening the relationship

Ten behaviors to increase intimacy and strengthening the relationship – David Schnarch
༺༻BehaviorLegend
1.CuriosityBe interested in your partner (listen, and ask questions).
2.Appreciate your partner.Share a gratitude journal with your partner.
3.Open up.Share your dreams, goals, fears and insecurities with your partner.
4.Set up routine rituals.Plan a romantic date once a month, sign up for an activity together.
5.Show affection.Hug each other, kiss, and hold hands.
6.Give compliments.This builds intimacy.
7.Celebrate positive events together.This builds intimacy.
8.Constructive conflict solvingChallenge inappropriate behavior instead of attacking your partner.
"I don't like it when you..." instead of "You're such a..."
9.Little attentionsShow your care by leaving a love note in a strategic place.
10.Make Valentine's Day everyday.Bring home flowers.
Source: ► David Schnarch, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, marital and sex therapist, author
Reference: ► Article 11 Non-Sexual Ways To Increase The Intimacy In Your Relationship,
presented by Thought Catalog, Samantha Burns, 6. July 2015

Basic principles toward achieving successful relationships – Gottman and Manson

Behaviors of steady warm glow relationships
༺༻Principle of thriving relationshipRemark
1.Watch out for criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.Known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"[*]
2.Pay attention to small day-to-day exchanges with your spouse.
Be thoughtful about ordinary matters.
3.Do thoughtful things out of the ordinary routine for your partner. Give each other positive feedback.Adding to the couple's "emotional bank account"
4.Show respect and acceptance, practice friendship
and know when to stop an argument.
5.Think before you speak to your partner.
6.Be aware that you influence the other.
Don't confuse your influence with control.
Acknowledge that your partner has seriously considered his/her opinions and responses.
7.Show low tolerance for negative behavior.
State 5 times as many positive statements
as negative statements.
Unless that ratio is present partners will not feel safe and accepted.
8.Accept being different and having diverse opinions.
9.Take real responsibility for your actions and for being wrong.[*]
10.Show a willingness to change your behavior.[*]
11.Be kind to your partner, be humorous with your partner.
Understand your partner.
Source: ► John Mordechai Gottman, Ph.D. gottman.com (*1942) US American psychologist,
relationship analyst, researcher on marital stability
References:
► Blog article John Gottman on Successful Relationships, Ed Batista, change management coach, 10. January 2007
► Entry [*] Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, presented by couplestherapyinc, Dr. K, 5. August 2013
See also: ► [*] Extending genuine apologies to reestablish trust

 

Features of successful relationships
༺༻Beneficial characteristics of long-lasting relationships
1.Be together for the right reasons.
2.Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance.
3.The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect.
4.Talk openly about everything, especially the stuff that hurts.
5.A healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals.
6.Give each other space.
7.Embrace that both partners will grow and change in unexpected ways.
8.Get good at fighting.
9.Get good at forgiving.
10.Little things add up to big things.
11.Sex matters … a LOT.
12.Be practical, and create relationship rules.
13.Learn to ride the waves.
Source: ► Article Every successful relationship is successful for the same exact reasons, presented by US American
online portal Quartz, Mark Manson (*1984) US American internet entrepreneur, blogger, author, 13. January 2017
first published as 1,500 People Give All the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need, 8. December 2016
See also: ► Relationship advice  and ► Dignity andRespect and ► Trust and ► Vulnerabiility and ► Transformation

Four stages of marriage – Jed Diamond

Thresholds of marriage
StageFavorable behaviorDescriptionStatus
1.Falling in loveNature's trick to bring future spouses togetherCompulsory / Instinct
2.Becoming a coupleNature's way of keeping children (offspring) aliveCompulsory / Instinct
3.Disillusionment / PurgingBeginning of the end or the end of the beginningFreestyle / Intent
4.Creation of lasting loveJoys of living "happily ever after"Freestyle / Intent
5.Follow your callingMake a difference in the worldFreestyle / Intent
Source: ► Article "I’m Not In Love With You Anymore", presented by US American The Good Men Project,
Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, 23. May 2015
Reference:
Article Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits, presented by the US American magazine The Atlantic, Emily Esfahani Smith, Swiss-Canadian instructor in positive psychology, University of Pennsylvania, journalist, writer, retrived by German-owned American business, celebrity and technology news website Business Insider, 9. November 2014
Book: Jed Diamond, Ph.D., US American psychotherapist, author, The Enlightened Marriage. The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come, New Page Books, 1st edition, 22. August 2016
See also:
Learning to listen twice and to embrace the bigger picture
Mature undivided love ⇔ immature divided romance
Four essential stages of a dating relationship
Four classical expressions of love
Four rounds of consciousness evolution
Four stages of community building – M. Scott Peck
Four consecutive levels of listening
Progressive stages of addiction and recovery
Four steps of reconciliation and release
Four stages of community building – M. Scott Peck
Four collective denial patterns – Breaking taboos

 

When influential American humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was in his 80ties he gave a talk about marriage.
Reflecting his marriage of more than sixty years he turned to his wife Helen asking her:
"Remember that stretch when things were so bad in our relationship?" She smiled and nodded her head.
There was that bad patch of nine or ten years when things were awful.
[#3] "But we hung in there and worked things out."
[#4] [A]mong couples who not only endure [#3], but live happily together for years and years [#4], the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
Article Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits, presented by the US American magazine The Atlantic, Emily Esfahani Smith, Swiss-Canadian instructor in positive psychology, University of Pennsylvania, journalist, writer, retrived by German-owned American business, celebrity and technology news website Business Insider, 9. November 2014

Seven principles of making marriage work – John M. Gottman

Seven principles for a successful marriage
༺༻Favorable behaviorDescription
1.Enhance your love maps[A love map is the place in the brain where you store information (dreams, hopes, interests) pertaining to your partner.]
2.Nurture your fondness and appreciation.Practice a positive view about your spouse, respect and appreciate their differences.
3.Turn toward each other instead of away.Acknowledge your partner's small moments in life.
Orient yourself towards them to maintain the necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.
4.Let your partner influence you.It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship.
It is equally important to yield to your partner and give in.
If both partners allow one another this influence,
then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.
5.Solve your solvable problems.It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved. Follow these five steps:
1. Soften your startup.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
4. Compromise.
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6.Overcome gridlock.Major issues that cannot be resolved due to fundamentally different views require understanding of the other person and deep communication.
At least reach a position that allows your partner to empathize with your view.
7.Create shared meaning.Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols.
Sources featuring John Mordechai Gottman, Ph.D. (*1942) US American psychologist, relationship and marital stability researcher, marriage educator
Book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, Three Rivers Press, 1st edition 16. May 2000
Video presentation Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, YouTube film, 2:21 minutes duration, posted 14. November 2008

Infidelity statistics – Study on infidel husbands

As a result of 3 year-long study on a group of 100 infidel husbands and a group of 100 faithful husbands in 48 states of the United States of America marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman learned that most commonly-held beliefs about why men cheat are obsolete:

 

Cheating men

  • It is estimated that 71% (1 in 2.7) of the married men will cheat on their wives.
  • Men cheat out of inner emotional disconnection due to cultural programming on externalized values.
  • 92% of the infidel husbands said their affairs are not just about sex.

Scarlet lily beetle
  • 88% of the infidel husbands admitted that their mistresses aren't better looking or in better shape than their wives.
  • 77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
  • 66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
  • 55% of the infidel husbands don't tell their wives or deny cheating even when confronted with evidence.
  • 48% of the infidel husbands said cheating is about an emotional disconnection and dissatisfaction from their wives as the primary reason.
  • 40% of cheating men met 'the other woman' at work.
  • Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
  • Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Sources featuring M. Gary Neuman, US American marriage counselor
Book The Truth about Cheating. Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, Wiley, 1st edition 25. August 2008
Book Emotional Infidelity. How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship, Three Rivers Press, 24. September 2002
Video TV interview The truth about why men cheat. Two hundred guys weigh in to give the real reasons behind infidelity, presented by US American TV station MSNBC, TODAY TV, unknown date

 

Cheating women – study on 500 women world wide by M. Gary Neuman

  • 4 out of 10 (40%) married women admitted that they had physically cheated on their husbands.
    • 62% of these cheating married women admitted that they hadn't confessed to their husbands yet.
  • More than half of the faithful wives said that they were seriously considering separation or divorce.
  • The primary reason that women are cheating or considering separation was that they were missing quality time with their mates.
    • The happy women were spending 30-60 minutes or more a day uninterrupted exchange.
    • The unhappy women were spending much less. 22% were spending less than 5 minutes talking [with their husbands].
Source: ► M. Gary Neuman, marriage counselor, "Connect To Love" Webisode 1: This Couple Survived HER Cheating,
YouTube film, minute 0:11, 5:01 minutes duration, posted 5. November 2010

 

Studies conservatively estimate that 60% of married men and 40% of married women will have an extramarital affair.

  • These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half the women having affairs (or 20%) are married to men not included in the 60% having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80% of all marriages. Peggy Vaughan, The Monogamy Myth. A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Newmarket Press, 3rd edition March 2003

 

  • Adultery is a dysfunctional [quick fix] attempt to stabilize a relationship. It does not work.

Scheherazade und Sultan Schariar, 1880
Ferdinand Keller (1842-1922) German history painter.
  • Humans are monogamous. They don't know how to have an affair with their own partner.
  • One partner in 80% of marriages [in the United States] commits adultery. [Status 2009-2012]
  • 85% of the women who think their husband/partner is cheating on them are correct. [Status 2009-2012]
  • 54% of the men who think their wife/partner is cheating on them are correct. [Status 2009-2012]
  • There are 40% of litigated divorces while the number of affairs is rising. [Status 2009-2012]
  • First marriages break up at a rate of 50%. [Status 2009-2012]
  • Second marriages break up at rate of 66%. [Status 2009-2012]
  • Third marriages at a rate of 70%. [Status 2009-2012]
  • Statistically, without forgiveness, only 35% of unions survive adultery. [Status 2009-2012]
  • By forgiveness 98% of unions survive a cheating test. [Status 2009-2012]
Source: ► Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., US American family and relationship therapist, author,
Adultery is a treatable, curable and forgivable sin!, undated

 

Lifetime infidelity rates
General Social Survey (1991-2006)
National Science Foundation's biennial snapshot of the behaviors and opinions of American adults
MenInfidelity rateWomenInfidelity rate
Men in general~25%Women in general~15%
Men under 30Rates increased by 45%Women under 35Rates increased by 20%
Men over 69Straying more than ever  

 

I’ve looked at adultery in 42 societies [...] there's every reason to think that we've got some biological propensities for it. [...] Today, the indication is, for the general population, about a third of men will be adulterous at some point during their marriage, and about 15% of women will be adulterous at some point during their marriage. [...] Among people under the age of 40, it seems to be the same amount for women as well as men. [...] We do, as a species have a tendency towards adultery. Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology, human behavior researcher, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, expert on romantic love, chief scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, What is Love, presented by Big Think, Interview Transcript, minute 17:04 out of 33:29 minutes duration, posted 12. February 2010

 

Visual sources:
Video presentation by Mark Gungor, US American pastor, marriage counselor, comedian, Adultery, YouTube film, 1:18 minutes duration, posted 13. January 2010
Video interview with reunited couple Chris and Cindy Beall, How do you walk through exposing an adulterous affair?, YouTube film, 9:16 minutes duration, posted 14. September 2009
"Intimacy is a critical ingredient to a God honoring healthy marriage. Intimacy is birthed out of the environment of trust.
And trust can only be had where there is honesty."

Video interview with reunited couple Chris and Cindy Beall, How do you forgive after adultery?, YouTube film, 9:11 minutes duration, posted 15. September 2009
Video interview with reunited couple Chris and Cindy Beall, Adultery: Can a marriage survive it?, YouTube film, 9:12 minutes duration, posted 16. September 2009

Study on marriage, [silenced] communication and death (1997-2007)

10-year study on the effect of marital strain in relationship to the development of heart disease and death
Published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, July/August edition 2007

         Study results – Communication and death rates of spouses         
Unhealthy anger building up can, like stress, damage the heart. 
"The study also confirmed that marriage is good for men's health, but that unmarried men were twice as likely to die as married men."Dr. Elaine Eaker, US American study's author
"We don't really know why women self-silence. It may be some type of protection mechanism. Self-silencing women need to learn how to express themselves more constructively and put themselves in an environment where they feel safe to do so."Dr. Elaine Eaker, US American study's author
Women who don't express themselves during disagreements with their husbands are FOUR times
more likely to die [of a heart disease] compared with women who express themselves freely.
"Girls learn more 'relational forms' of aggression.
Boys contrary to girls are taught to express their anger openly."
Dana Jack, US American psychologist, expert on self-silencing, Fairhaven College of Interdisciplinary Studies, Western Washington University
Sources:
Blog article by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent, Self-censoring linked to higher death risk, 27. August 2007
Blog article When Women Have No Voice In A Relationship, Monch Bravante, undated
See also: ► Kommunikation – Communication and ► Tod – Death

Characteristics of happy couples

Results of the happy couples' study (2011)
In February 2011 the Family Studies Center of the University of Los Angeles, California, researched 1,500 couples who had been together for five or more years and who acknowledged having a strong, close, deeply committed bond. The couples revealed six common characteristics:
 ༺༻ Features of happy marriages
1.There was a physical attraction between both partners.
2.They engaged in the relationship out of voluntary choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.
3.They shared fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals.
4.They were able to express anger clearly and directly and
they resolved differences through communication and compromise.
5.They experienced laughter, fun, pleasure, and play with each other.
6.They continually supported each other and each other’s activities, interests, and careers.

♦◊♦

  • Each partner makes the relationship their priority [spending time, energy, and sustenance].
  • Partners re-choose each other again and again.
  • They feed positive energy to the relationship.
  • She respects and adores him; he nurtures and desires her.
  • Both partners feel appreciated.
  • Aging couples value true friendship and close companionship more significantly.
  • Men fear and resent it when their partners lose the sweetness and become brittle, bitter, and "bitchy."
  • A man needs to feel honored to remain loyal, productive and useful to his partner.
  • Women fear and resent it when their partners become disengaged and either passive or controlling.
  • To remain sweet, vulnerable and open to her partner a woman needs to feel secure and uniquely cherished.
  • Understanding is the bridge to compassion, which can reignite the passion.
Source: ► Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT, US American psychotherapist, marriage and family consultant, educator, founder and
director of Men's Center of Los Angeles, What Your Marriage Needs to Survive, presented by goodmenproject.com, 8. February 2011

Six marriage myths debunked

Long-standing marriage myths
༺༻Marriage mythRemark
Myth·1A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right.Unrealistic expectation
Myth·2When couples argue, it destroys the relationship.Heated discussions can be a positive force in a marriage.
Myth·3Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time.Marriage is like a living organism. A thriving marriage is the result of constant care and nurturing.
Myth·4Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup.A great marriage is a collaborative effort in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple.
Myth·5Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work.Finding a balance of togetherness and separateness is the trick in marriages. Some require togetherness, others separateness.
Myth·6The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want.Remain realistic.
Source: ► Article 6 Marriage Myths Debunked, presented by US American The Good Men Project, Aaron Anderson, 2. October 2013

Broken heart syndrome – Lifespans of couples

Researchers of the St. Andrews University in Scotland, studied the lifespan of thousands of married couples of varied ages between 1991-2006.


The lovesick Antioch, 18. Jht.
Johann Anwander (1715-1770)
  • More than 58,000 men and about 58,000 women (married in 1991) were tracked for the 15 years.

The results were:

  • More than 5,000 men and 9,600 women of this group were widowed during the study.
    • 40 per cent of the widowed men had died within three years after the death of their spouse.
    • 26 per cent of the widowed women had died within three years after the death of their spouse.

 

Professor Paul Boyle, British chief executive of the Economic and Social Research Council, University of St. Andrews, leader of the study, concluded:

  • People give up on life within six months of losing a partner.
  • The broken-heart syndrome can occur up to six months after bereavement.2

 

Japanese cardiologists discovered the broken heart syndrome also named as Takotsubo stress cardiomyopathy.
An emotional upset – i.e. the loss of a loved one by death or divorce – results in the dysfunction in the ventricular chamber and heart failure. A temporarily weakened heart muscle results in its literal break.
Bereavement or sadness releases such toxic levels of stress hormones, particularly adrenalin, that the heart literally breaks.

 

Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, found that widowed women with none of the external predisposing factors of heart disease (smoking, obesity, a sedentary lifestyle and a high-fat diet) developed the broken heart syndrome followed by a purely psychological heart failure.

Statistics – Divorce rates

Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology Helen Fisher, Ph.D. at Rutgers University researched divorce rates across fifty-eight diverse cultures and found that divorce rates peak at four years into the marriage on average. She concluded that human couples are molded to stay together for about four years.3

⚑ Half of all divorces will occur within the first 7 years of marriage.
⚑ People who stay married live 4 years longer.
⚑ Two thirds or more of the divorces are filed by women.
⚑ 80% of divorcees state that their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart.
⚑ 20-27% blame the failure of marriage on extramarital affairs.
⚑ 70% of both men and women felt that the determining factor of divorce was whether they were satisfied is their friendship.
⚑ There is a 30-50% relapse rate with traditional marriage therapy.
⚑ There is a 20% relapse rate with John Mordechai Gottman's seven principles of enhancing marriage.
Sources:
Divorcerate.org
Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri
Article Is your marriage making you sick?, presented by CNN, Elizabeth Cohen, US American
senior medical correspondent, 10. June 2010, retrieved by Enrichment Journal, June 2011
Reference: ► General divorce statistics, presented by Edivorcepapers.com

 

Divorce rates in the United States
1.First marriages50%41%
2.Second marriages67%60%
3.Third marriages74%73%

Statistics – Longevity rates of married couples

In respect of longevity longterm attachment as in marriage is
༺༻Marriage for menMarriage for women
1.Marriage is a fortunate deal for a manMarriage is an unfortunate deal for a woman.
2.Married men live 2 years longer than single men.
The female partner / wife "enhances" the husband's "life".
Married women do live 1.5 years shorter than single women.
3.Married people live up to 6 years longer than their single, divorced or widowed counterparts.
4.When one spouse dies after more than 50 years of marriage, the surviving spouse
has a life expectancy of less than a year on average.
Source: ► Dan Buettner (*1960) US American longevity coach, explorer, journalist for the
National Geographic, educator, author, Facebook comment, 26. September 2012
References provided by Cliffnotes, undated ► Relationships in Early Adulthood
and ► Relationships in Middle Adulthood and ► Relationships in Older Adulthood

Male and female brains – Corpus callossum and hypothalamus

The US American brain surgeon Leonard Shlain, M.D. (1937-2009) predicted that the human species will pass another massive sudden phase change (transformation) around the turn of the millennium. The result will be that men and human are then able to use both hemispheres of the brain.

 

In general, the brain of a heterosexual man differs distinctly from a female brain.
With women in general (incl. lesbians), lefties, colorblind, baldheaded men, gays, and memory superbrains the distribution of language skills is more balanced between the hemispheres. They have a bigger Corpus callosum which serves them to communicate their emotions – stored in the right brain and mostly translated and expressed via the left brain – in a more explicit and eloquent way.

⚑ 95% of the language skills of straight men are located in the left brain hemisphere (so called masculine side).
⚑ Only 5% thereof are in the right hemisphere (so called feminine side).
⚑ ⚑ Among elderly stroke victims, women recover their speech much more quickly than men.
⚑ ⚑ A stroke in the left hemisphere of the brain leaves heterosexual men devastated as their speech faculty is basically gone.

 

Leonard Shlain, M.D. sextimeandpower.com (1937-2009) US American chairman of laparoscopic surgery, associate professor of surgery, UC San Francisco, independent researcher, author of Art and Physics, The Alphabet vs. the Goddess, Sex, Time, and Power explains

⚑ The evolution of the female sexuality and its relationship to both the human brain and the size of the female pelvis,
⚑ The difference and implications between the current visual culture and previous text-based cultures,
⚑ The difference and implications between Western and Eastern notions of time4
⚑ Due to profound alterations in female sexuality the big-brained Homo sapiens suddenly emerged 150,000 years ago.5

 

Sexual arousal, fear, appetite, desire, and falling in love happens in the limbic system. It is the second oldest brain circuit humans share with animals.

⚑ The Corpus callossum, the bridge between both hemispheres, is stronger and bigger in female brains compared to male brains.
⚑ ONLY in men is the hypothalamus the agent of sexual arousal AND for violence.
⚑ ⚑ "The hypothalamus [saturated with testosterone] – ONLY in men – is the agent of sexual arousal AND for violence."
Source: ► Video interview with Gerhard Roth, Ph.D. (*1942) German neurologist, biologist, brain researcher, The difference between men's and women's brains, YouTube film, minute 1:11, 1:45 minutes duration, posted 17. October 2007

List of sex addicted US American presidents

List of American presidents subject to the Coolidge effect expressed as:
Womanizing, sex addiction, committing adultery, fathering illegitimate children, visiting prostitutes including rape6
 ItemTime frameName of the US president
1.(1706-1705)Benjamin Franklin
2.(1732-1799)George Washington
3. (1743-1826)[*] Thomas Jefferson 
4.(1767-1845)Andrew Jackson
5.(1791-1868)James Buchanan
6.(1808-1875)Andrew Johnson
7.(1837-1908)Grover Cleveland
8.(1856-1924)Woodrow Wilson
9.(1865-1923)Warren G. Harding
10.(1872-1933)Calvin Coolidge
11.(1933-1945)Franklin Delano Roosevelt 
12.(1917-1963) (assassinated)John F. Kennedy
13.(1890-1969)Dwight D. Eisenhower
14.(*1924)George H. W. Bush 
15. (*1946) [*] Bill Clinton 
[*] Presidents involved in the biggest sex scandals during presidential terms
According to clinical studies of sex addicts when repeatedly conquesting women they aren't "expressing their drives"
but combating their desperate inner feelings of maternal abandonment, impotence and self-fragmentation.
Source: ► Lloyd deMause psychohistory.com (*1931) US American social thinker, lay psychoanalyst, director of The Association for Psychohistory, president of the International Psychohistorical Association, editor of The Journal of Psychohistory, The Phallic Presidency: The Clinton Scandals and the Yugoslav War as Purity Crusades, presented by The Journal of Psychohistory #25 (4), Spring 1998
See also:
Dangerous relationships
Psychopathological rating (via PPIPCL-R) of US American presidents
Presidential death cycle in the United States
List of US presidents and their religious affiliations

Marriage advices

Insights delivered by a divorced man
༺༻             Advice             
1.Never stop courting. Never stop dating. Never ever take your woman for granted.
2.Protect your own heart.
3. Fall in love over and over and over again.You will constantly change.
4.Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love.
5.It's not your job to change or fix her.Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing.
6.Take full accountability for your own emotions.
7.Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her.She is triggering something inside of you. [...] The feminine spirit is about change and emotion. As you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you.
8.Allow your woman to just be.Don't run away when she's upset. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9.Be silly.Don’t take yourself so overly seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh.
10.Fill her soul every day.Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and cherished.
11.Be present.Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul.
12.Be willing to take her sexually in the power of your masculine presence [...] and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul.Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13.Don't be an idiot.You will make mistakes and so will she.
14.Give her space.The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself.
15.Be vulnerable.Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and be quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16.Be fully transparent.If you want to be trusted you must be willing to share EVERYTHING. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know if she will like what she finds.
17.Never stop growing together.Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18.Don't worry about money.Find ways to work together as a team to win it. Figure out ways to leverage both persons' strengths to win.
19.Forgive immediately.Focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past.
20.Always choose love. Always choose love. Always choose love.Commit to being an epic lover.
Source: ► Gerald Rogers, US American public speaker, Facebook comment, 28. July 2013

Enhancing one's love map – Getting to know one's partner intimately


An aged, overweight, tired, yet aspiring psychiatrist [Marlon Brando], one day away from retirement, is struggling to embrace the third act of his life. In a moment of intimacy he and his still beautiful wife [Faye Dunaway] wonder about the quality of passion [fire] in their married life:
⚑   He: "There isn't any transitional battle round left for us for us any more. I just feel we’ve surrendered our lives to the momentum of mediocrity. What happened to all the celestial fire that used to light our way?"
⚑   She: "All those fires were a lot of trouble. They caused a lot of trouble. Fires are really hard to control. They flare up, they burn up a whole lot of energy, and then they suddenly die."
⚑   He: "That’s bullshit."
⚑   She: "No, that's not bullshit. A good steady warm glow – that does the trip over the long run."
⚑   He: "No fire, no heat. No heat, no life. That’s the equation."
⚑   She: "The upshot of all this is that you will not be easing gracefully into retirement."
Source: ► Excerpt from the US American movie Don Juan DeMarco, 1995,
Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando Part 1, YouTube film, minute 2:50, 5:37 minutes duration, posted 7. June 2008

 

After 3-4 decades of marriage the husband engages in this groundbreaking conversation with his wife:
⚑   He: "I need to find out who you are. I need to know all about you."
⚑   She (wondering): "You want to know?"
⚑   He: "I want to know what your hopes and dreams are, that got lost along the way while I was thinking about myself."
⚑   She is laughing sheepishly.
⚑   He: "What's so funny?"
In astonishment she responds, "I thought you'd never ask!"
Source: ► Excerpt from the US American movie Don Juan DeMarco, 1995,
Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando Part 3, YouTube film, 2:41 minutes duration, posted 8. June 2008

 

US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author Louann Brizendine, Ph.D., M.D. louannbrizendine.com (*1952) concluded:

"I always tell couples, the good news is when you are about 65 you guys are gonna be well matched."   Video presentation The female brain, presented by Book Passage, Corte Madera, California, filmed by ForaTV, minute 37:08, 1:06:24 duration, aired 17. November 2006
"It’s basic biology that really makes for a lot of unhappiness and misunderstanding between the sexes."   The Male Brain. Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine on her inevitably best-selling new book, presented by the worldwide women's lifestyle magazine of French origin Elle, Diana Kapp, 12. February 2010

 

See also:
Taking up slow love – ending toxic low criteria relationships
Audio and video links (engl.) – Marnia Robinson

Wives as change agents

The wife's influence

 

A wife is endowed with the power to directly improve the behavior of her husband.

 

Once, a certain pious man was married to a pious woman,
but they did not have children. They said, 'we are not doing G-d any good,'
and divorced one another.
The pious man subsequently married a wicked woman, and she made him wicked.
The pious woman married a wicked man, and she made him pious.
Thus, we see that all is dependent upon the woman.

Source: ► Talmud, central scripture of Judaism, Midrash, Bereishit Rabbah 17, 7

A wife of noble character

 

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Source: ► Proverbs 31, 10-12 (OT)

Changing one's spouse in a marriage

Scene past the wedding day

 

Husband to wife: "I hope you'll never change."
Wife to husband: "I [we] need to change you."
Women improve men. They do, if you [men] don't kill them first.
This change agent [a woman] is good for men. They don't like it. […]
The good news is women can generally get a man to where they want them.
They just need to remember it's a long term project [...] twenty, thirty years.

Source: ► Speech by Mark Gungor, US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, A man still does not do anything, YouTube film, 1:23 minutes duration, posted 21. January 2011

 

Links zum Thema Ehe / Marriage

Literatur

Literature (engl.)

70% of normal couples have sexual desire problems.
40% of couples rarely kiss during sex.
87% of couples have no intimacy during sex.

Externe Weblinks

  • Wikipedia-Einträge Ehe

External web links (engl.)


Diverse statistics on divorce rates in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriages, single status

Audio- und Videolinks

Audio and video links (engl.)

  • Audio interview with Rona Subotnik, M.A. FMT, US American marriage and family counselor, Infidelity on the Internet, presented by US American radio show Women Speak Out, host Ljuba Halevi, aired 10. April 2002   Link deleted

75% million people worldwide are actively engaging in online sexual activity, in "Cyber Affairs".

The Brooklyn couple Perasa eloquently and gracefully recounts their twenty-seven-year romance – from their first date to Danny's final days with terminal cancer.

Audio and video links (engl.) – Helen Fisher

Audio and video links (engl.) – John M. Gottman

5 positive strokes to balance 1 negative strike – signifies a stable relationship.
8 positive strokes to balance 1 negative strike – signifies an instable (divorce impending) relationship.

Audio and video links (engl.) – Humorous

 

Interne Links

Englisch Wiki

Hawkins

 

 

1 Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann (1916-2010) deutsche Professorin für Kommunikationswissenschaft, Universität Mainz, Gründerin des Instituts für Demoskopie, Allensbach, Renate Köcher, Die verletzte Nation, S. 84, DVA Stuttgart, 1987

2 Dr. Ananya Mandal, M.D., Yes, you can die of a broken heart, presented by Medical.bizcommunity.com, posted 15. November 2010

3 Anatomy of Love. A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, Ballantine Books, 3. January 1994

4 Audio interview with Leonard Shlain, M.D. sextimeandpower.com (1937-2009) US American chairman of laparoscopic surgery, associate professor of surgery, UC San Francisco, researcher, writer of Art and Physics, The Alphabet vs. the Goddess, Sex, Time, and Power, Leonard Shlain Interview, location University of Toronto’s CIUT, presented by US American web radio station Massive Change, host Jennifer Leonard, 54:24 minutes duration, aired 7. October 2003   Link deleted

5 Video presentation Sex, Time and Power, YouTube film, 49:48 minutes duration, posted 1. November 2012

6 Full Dateline NBC: Juanita Broaddrick on Bill Clinton raping her, presented by US American TV station Dateline NBC, hosts Lisa Myers and Stone Phillips, filmed November 1998, aired January 1999, 28:34 minutes duration, posted 6. September 2012

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