SpiritualWiki - Trauer

Grief – it is such a common experience. All of mankind experience grief. Look in the new book [TLC] for the answer! Allow it to flow and don't resist it. There is something coming up. Don't label it. Don't call it grief. Don't call it anything.
I had grief for ten days one time. You are releasing all of the accumulation of all of that.
Sedona Seminar God, Religion and Spirituality, 3 DVD set, 10. December 2005

⚠ Caveat See Power vs. Truth, January 2013

Grief: This is the level of sadness, loss and dependency. Most of us have experienced it for periods of time, but those who remain at this level live a life of constant regret and de-
pression. [...] Part of the syndrome of Grief is the notion of the irreplaceability of what's been lost or that which it symbo-
lized. There is a generalization from the particular so that the loss of a loved one is equated with the loss of love itself. [...] Although grief is the cemetery of life, it still has more energy to it than Apathy does. Thus when a traumatized, apathetic patient begins to cry, we know they're getting better. Once they start to cry, they will eat again.
Power vs. Force. The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior, chapter 4, S. 79, Hay House, Februar 2002

One might say that anybody who gets depressed has been addicted to placing their survival on something outside
of themselves. Healing and Recovery, chapter 12 Depression, S. 370, 2009

Grief – How long are you going to hold onto that? I'll tell you how long to keep it – about one second. Let it go the instant it happens – just let it go (snaps). Surrender it completely and totally to God the instant it happens. Why? Because you develop the capacity to do that. So the reason for spiritual training then is you develop a powerful capacity to let go of anything and you never know when it's going to come up.
'So and so just died'. (claps hands once). You just let it go the minute the phone message comes in – you let it go (snaps). Sedona Seminar Devotion: The Way to God Through the Heart, DVD 1 of 3, minute ~40:40, 27. September 2002

The three Moirai. Relief, grave of Alexander von der Mark
Johann Gottfried Schadow. Old National Gallery, Berlin

When the ego doesn't get all it wants, it goes into grief. It sees it as a loss, a loss of wantingness. If you give up wanting, how would you suffer from anything. Sedona Seminar Emotions and Sensations, 3 DVD set, 17. April 2004

The experiencer edge of the ego milks for the juice and doesn't want to let it go. That is the primary obstacle. Give up the self-indulgence of drama, the juice you get out of the fear of the future and the grief of the past. The worse the stories, the more ego thrives. Sedona Seminar Trans-
cending Obstacles, 3 DVD set, 3. September 2005

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Letting go the stack of grieving over losses over lifetimes

Question [Posed by a mother who had lost her father and her only son]: I ask God to relieve the pain. Trying to re-
lieve the pain. It has been there since three years.
Answer: What are you getting out of the grief?
Reply Questioner: I can't let him go.
Answer: You have a program that says you can't let him go. It means you won't. If
I said to you, "If you don’t let go of it, I am going to kill you this instant!" […] You would let it go. You are working it for all the juice you are getting out of it. You are feeding off the grief. You are getting hooked on it. You are living off of that juice of that grief. I want you to give it up. Surrender the grief to God so you can be of service. […] your narcissistic self-indulgence. It is normal, but it is also normal to reach a state of satiation and say, "I have got to do something now for other people." What is the best way
to bless that situation except to say, "In His name, I will alleviate the grief of others." What you do in their name […] forget the Memorial Services and all that crap. Do something for others instead of being selfish and self-centered.
Do something for someone else in their grief. Dedicate your life in the name of that child to others […] your willing-
ness to surrender that to God […].
If God said from Heaven, "I WANT YOU TO LET GO OF THAT NOW! SAY, 'I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!'" There is more than one lifetime on this. You have had lifetimes of losses. Let it just continuously run. Let it run. Let go resisting it.
Let go labeling it "grief." You feel inner sensations and emotions. Don't label it "grief." You are feeling a painful feeling.
It doesn't need a name on it. It is just a painful feeling. Sit with the painful feeling. Be at one with that feeling without resisting it. Just be with it completely, 100%, and that is how you eventually disappear the stack. Then you have the energy to work on other things. This is a stack coming up from not just this lifetime. You say, "It is because I am a parent." Everyone is a parent! In previous times, losing most of your kids was routine. I would say these are stacks suppressed from other lifetimes. Sit with it and let it go. Loss is part of the human condition. It is biological. Ele-
phants feel it. It is a biological instinct going way back in time. Elephants push the bones of their former mate around, grieving. I have had to sit on stacks for months or years that just ran and ran. Then it suddenly lets go and I am a
free man. Sedona Satsang Q&A, Sedona Creative Life Center, 2 CD set, 13. September 2006

Fear, anger, resentment, getting even, suing the hell out of them, carrying placards "Down with whatever". You just have to get off the juice of whatever that positionality is – hatred, anger, self-pity, grief. There are people who hang
out with grief for someone who died forty years ago. Why are they doing that? Because they are getting juice out of
it. Look at poor me. Juicing it, juicing it, juicing it. So you don't have to give up grief, you have to get off the juice you
are getting out of that stuckness. Sedona Satsang Q&A, CD 2 of 2, 10. January 2007

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Zitate von anderen Quellen

Besser Bekümmernis als Lachen; denn bei traurigem Angesicht ist es dem Herzen wohl. Prediger 7, 3 (AT)

Bekenntnisse

Wir Sioux sind kein einfaches Volk – wir sind sehr kompli-
ziert. Wir schauen alles immer aus verschiedenen Blickwin-
keln an. Für uns ist in der Freude Schmerz und im Schmerz Freude, genauso wie wir einen Clown gleichzeitig als lus-
tige und tragische Figur empfinden. Alles ist Teil desselben
Ganzen – der Natur, die weder traurig ist noch glücklich: Sie ist einfach da. Lame Deer [John Fire] (1900/1903-1976) Mineconju-Lakota Sioux Medizinmann, Heyoka, zitiert in: Blogspot tina-schwichtenberg.de

Empfehlungen

Bei Trauer bringe man sein ganzes Leid zum Ausdruck, aber man übertreibe nicht. Konfuzius [BW 590] (551-479 v. Chr.) chinesischer Weiser, Sozialphilosoph, Stifter der chinesischen Staatsreligion, zitiert in: Aphorismen.de

Bedenke, dass die menschlichen Verhältnisse insgesamt unbeständig sind, dann wirst du im Glück nicht zu fröhlich
und im Unglück nicht zu traurig sein.
Sokrates [BW 540] (469-399 v. Chr.) altgriechischer vorchristlicher Philosoph, zitiert in: Gute Zitate

Höre nie auf zu lächeln, auch dann nicht, wenn du sehr traurig bist, denn du weißt nicht, wer sich vielleicht in dein Lächeln verliebt.
Gabriel García Márquez (1927-2014) kolumbianischer Journalist, Schriftsteller, Literaturnobelpreisträger, zitiert in: Gute Zitate

Wenn deine Grundsätze dich traurig machen, verlass' dich drauf: Sie sind falsch.
Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) schottischer Dichter, Essayist, Roman- und Reiseschriftsteller, zitiert in: Aphorismen.de

Lernt, aus der Trauer Energie für das Leben zu gewinnen. Unausgedrückte, verleugnete verschleppte Trauer
wirkt sich im Untergrund und ohne unser Wissen zerstörerisch aus. Der heilsame Weg besteht darin, Trauerene-
rgie umzuwandeln und durch diesen Prozess Versöhnung zu erfahren – mit dem Verlorenen, mit der Umwelt, mit
uns selbst. Dr. phil. Jorgos Canacakis (*1935) deutscher Diplompsychologe, Psychotherapeut, Buchautor, Ich sehe deine
Tränen, Kreuz-Verlag, 2002

Einsicht

Tränen reinigen das Herz.
Fjodor Michailowitsch Dostojewski [BW 465] (1821-1881) russischer Romanschriftsteller, zitiert in: Aphorismen.de

Ich bin von euch gegangen nur für einen kurzen Augenblick und gar nicht weit. Wenn ihr dahin kommt, wohin ich gegangen bin, werdet ihr euch fragen, warum ihr geweint habt. Laotse [BW 610] (604-531 v. Chr.) chinesischer Weiser, Philosoph, Begründer des Taoismus, Autor des Tao te King [BW 610] 6. Jht., 800-200 v. Chr.; zitiert in: Laotse ― Zitate

Unter allen Leidenschaften der Seele bringt die Trauer am meisten Schaden für den Leib. Thomas von Aquin [Doctor Universalis] [BW 570, Werk 730/460] (1225-1274) italienischer katholischer Heiliger, Dominikaner-Priester, Theologe der scholas-
tischen Tradition, bedeutender Philosoph, Kirchenlehrer, Summa Theologica [BW 730/460] (1265-1274) Erstausgabe 1485

Schwarzer Trauerschmuck

Auch das glücklichste Leben ist nicht ohne ein gewisses Mass an Dunkelheit denkbar und das Wort "Glück" würde seine Bedeutung verlieren, hätte es nicht seinen Widerpart in der Traurigkeit. Zugeschriebenes Zitat von Carl Gustav Jung [BW 520/540] (1875-1961) Schweizer Psychiater, Psychoanalytiker, Gründer einer neuen Schule der analytischen Tiefenpsychologie, Autor, zitiert in: Gute Zitate

Nichts ist dem Menschen so unerträglich, als wenn er sich in voll-
kommener Ruhe befindet, ohne Leidenschaften, ohne Beschäf-
tigungen, ohne Zerstreuungen, ohne Betriebsamkeit.
Dann fühlt er seine Nichtigkeit, seine Verlassenheit, seine Unzu-
länglichkeit, seine Abhängigkeit, seine Ohnmacht, seine Leere.
Sogleich werden vom Grunde seiner Seele die Langeweile, der Trübsinn, die Traurigkeit, der Kummer, der Verdruss und die Ver-
zweiflung aufsteigen. Blaise Pascal [BW 465] (1623-1662) französi-
scher Mathematiker, Physiker, Philosoph, Literat, Pensées, Nummerie-
rung Lafuma, Pensée Nr. 622, 1670

Die Schwermut [von Depressiven, Melancholikern] ist Ausdruck dafür, dass wir begrenzte Wesen sind, die Wand an Wand mit Gott leben. Dass wir angerufen sind durch Gott; aufgerufen, ihn in unser Dasein aufzunehmen. Die Schwermut ist die Not der Geburt des Ewigen im Menschen. […]
Es gibt solche, die gewissermaßen ohne weiteres "drüben" sind, unirdisch lebend, fremd hier, wartend auf das Ei-
gentliche. […] Es gibt aber auch solche, welche tief das Geheimnis der Angrenzung erfahren, Menschen der Grenze.
Romano Guardini (1885-1968) italienischer katholischer Religionsphilosoph, Theologe, Autor, Essay Vom Sinn der Schwermut,
1928, Vom Sinn der Schwermut, Matthias-Grünewald-Verlag, Mainz, 1987, Topos Plus, Kevelaer, Taschenbuchausgabe 1. Sep-
tember 2008, 10. Auflage 2010, 12. Auflage 2017

Melancholie ist das Vergnügen, traurig zu sein. Victor Hugo [Werk BW 455] (1802-1885) französischer Staatsmann, Men-
schenrechtsaktivist, literarischer und politischer Publizist der Romantik und des Realismus in Frankreich, Dichter, Bühnen- und Romanschriftsteller, Roman Die Arbeiter des Meeres, [Les Travailleurs de la Mer], Band 2, Teil 3, Abschnitt "La Cloche du Port",
S. 154, Librairie Internationale, A. Lacroix, Verboeckhoven, Paris, 1866

Melancholie ist die Freude an der Traurigkeit, die man empfindet, wenn man einen Sonnenuntergang betrachtet
und weiß, dass dieser Moment gleich vorbei sein wird. Alexander Belicanski, Quelle unbekannt

Da ist niemand, der traurig oder zornig ist; schau einfach zu, wie es geschieht als Teil der Göttlichen Hypnose. Ramesh Balsekar [BW 760⇒≤200] (1917-2009) indischer Advaitalehrer, Schüler von Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj [BW 720],
zitiert in: Esoterik Forum.at

Referenz: de.Wikiquote-Eintrag ► Trauer

Literaturzitate

Eine seltsame Traurigkeit begleitete sie und doch zugleich eine tiefe Beseligung. Sie sah das Land, das sie überflog, die Äcker, die Wälder und Wiesen mit ihren Weiden und die Häuser der Menschen, die dunkel und lichtlos zwischen Bäumen lagen, in der verschleierten Ebene.
Alles erschien feierlich und zu Großem bestimmt, wie auch uns Menschen bisweilen die Dinge erscheinen können, wenn Musik erklingt. Jakob Ernst Waldemar Bonsels (1880-1952) deutscher Schriftsteller, zitiert in: Himmelsvolk. Ein Märchen
von Blumen, Tieren und Gott, 11. Kapitel "Ukus Nacht mit dem Elfen", 1915 (Forts. von Die Biene Maja und ihre Abenteuer, 1912)

Seit ich glücklich bin, bin ich öfter traurig.
Hubertus Meyer-Burckhardt (*1956) deutscher Fernsehproduzent, Manager in der Medienbranche, Talkshow-Moderator, Journalist, Schriftsteller, Roman Meine Tage mit Fabienne, S. 101, Bastei Lübbe, Köln, 2016

Trauergedichte

Tage, wenn sie scheinbar uns entgleiten,
gleiten leise doch in uns hinein,
aber wir verwandeln alle Zeiten;
denn wir sehnen uns zu sein.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926) böhmisch-österreichischer Dichter, Lyriker, Die Gedichte, 1907, S. 471, Insel Verlag, Frankfurt
am Main und Leipzig, 1996, Sonderausgabe 16. Oktober 2006

Wenn etwas uns fortgenommen wird,
womit wir tief und wunderbar zusammenhängen,
so ist viel von uns selber mit fortgenommen.
Gott aber will, dass wir uns wieder finden.
Reicher um alles verlorene, und vermehrt um jenen unendlichen Schmerz.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875-1926) böhmisch-österreichischer Dichter, Lyriker, Brief an die Prinzessin von Schönaich-Carolath, Paris,
7. Mai 1908, zitiert in: Rainer Maria Rilke, Ruth Sieber-Rilke, ‎Briefe aus den Jahren 1907 bis 1914, S. 33, Insel Verlag, Leipzig,
1933, 1939

Nichts tut der Seele besser, als jemandem seine Traurigkeit abzunehmen.
Paul Verlaine (1844-1896) französischer Lyriker des Symbolismus, Gedicht Vernehmt des Liedes gütige Trauer, französisches Original Ecoutez la chanson bien douce

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Quotes by various other sources

Personal avowals

Sometimes I forget completely what companionship is. Unconscious and insane, I spill sad energy everywhere. My
story gets told in various ways: a romance, a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number, it will go around. These dark suggestions that I follow, are they part of some plan? Friends, be careful. Don't come near me out of curiousity, or sympathy.
Jalal ad-Din Muḥammad Rumi [LoC 550] (1207-1273) Persian Muslim Sufi mystic, jurist, theologian, poet, Coleman Barks (*1937)
US American translator, poet, John Moyne, translator, The Essential Rumi, S. 47, Harper, San Francisco, 1995, 7th edition 28. May
2004

Muslim cemetery at sun set, Marrakesh, Morocco

Recommendations

You will hurt. You will cry and you will be scared. You will miss and long and ache and look for their fingerprints on the life you're going to lead without them. You will swear you heard, if only for an in-
stant, the sound of their laughter or the timbre of their voice. This
is ok, and more than that, this is beautiful.
Hold onto the sadness you feel like a trophy. Hoist it high above your head and shout to the photo that is not being taken of you that you loved them, you will always love them and you are proud of the tears that roll down your face. They live inside the memories that give shape to those tears and you must never apologize for your sorrow, nor your joy when it too returns to your days.

Article by Tyler Knott Gregson, US American professional photographer, poet, author, Words For Those That Remain, excerpted from the "Type-
writer Series #690, 2011, presented by the blogspot stumblingtowardsper-
fect, 15. January 2013

Conclusions

It is our unexpressed sorrows, the congested stories of loss that, when left unattended, block our access to the soul. Francis Weller, US American psychotherapist, soul activist, writer, The Wild Edge of Sorrow. Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred
Work of Grief, North Atlantic Books, 15. September 2015

Tragedy and trauma are not guarantees for a transformational spiritual experience, but they are opportunities. They
are invitations to sit in the fire and allow it to transfigure us.
Mirabai Starr, US American teacher of philosophy, bereavement counselor, translator of sacred literature, author, Caravan of No Despair. A Memoir of Loss and Transformation, Sounds True, paperback issue 1. November 2015

Insights

Grief can take care of itself: but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] [Work LoC 465] (1835-1910) US American humorist, Freemason, author, non-fiction travelogue Following the Equator [More Tramps Abroad], chapter 48, American Publishing Company, 1897

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life*s search for love and wisdom. Jalal ad-Din Muḥammad Rumi [LoC 550] (1207-1273) Persian Muslim Sufi mystic, jurist, theologian, poet, cited in: Rumi Quotes and Rumi Poems

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. Jalal ad-Din Muḥammad Rumi [LoC 550] (1207-1273) Persian Muslim Sufi mystic, jurist, theologian, poet, cited in: Goodreads Quotable Quote

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Balanced approach to life

Happiness [LoC 500] – sadness [LoC 75] – equanimity – patience

There are many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
Carl Gustav Jung [LoC 520/540] (1875-1961) Swiss psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, founder of a new school of depth psychology, author, R. F. C. Hull, translator, Psychology and Alchemy – Collected Works of C. G. Jung, Volume 12, 1944, S. 452, Goodreads Quotable Quote, Routledge, London, 2nd edition 1968; cited in: Goodreads Quotable Quote

Just the opposite of how it feels, tears and sadness feel like the worst way, but are the best way to break us into limi-
nality and transformation, frankly because the old consciousness can't work anymore. Do you understand the old pro-
blem-solving consciousness? It doesn't suffice. Until you let go of that consciousness where everything has got to be 2+2 = 4, you cannot break through to what I think all of our religions would call enlightenment or transformation. Father Richard Rohr O.F.M. (*1943) US American Franciscan friar ordained to the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church in 1970, Sadness, PDF, Yale University address to medical students, presented by the former publication malespirituality.org, November 2005

In every culture […] there was one universal element in historic initiation – grief work. The young male had to be taught somehow the way of tears. He had to be taught how to cry. In fact, if I were to sum up this whole spirituality
of initiation in a one liner, it would be this; the young man who cannot cry is a savage, the old man who cannot laugh is a fool. Father Richard Rohr O.F.M. (*1943) US American Franciscan friar ordained to the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church in 1970, Sadness, PDF, Yale University address to medical students, presented by the former publication malespirituality.org, November 2005

Melancholy is the pleasure of being sad.
Victor Hugo [Work LoC 455] (1802-1885) French statesman, human rights activist, exponent of the Romantic movement in France, visual artist, playwright, poet, essayist, novelist, Les Travailleurs de la Mer [The Toilers of the Sea], volume 2, part 3, section "La Cloche du Port", S. 154, Librairie Internationale, A. Lacroix, Verboeckhoven, Paris, 1866

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'Sadder, but wiser'

One of the functions of sadness is when we feel sad we turn our attention inward. Our heart rate slows down. We slow down, the world seems to slow down. We stop paying as much attention to what's going on around us and we look inter-
nally. We reflect and take stock. We actually become more accurate. And there's a phrase 'sadder, but wiser'. And
in experimental studies we can make people sad. And when we make people sad they're actually more accurate in
the estimates they make and they are less prone to stereotypes and they are seeing the world in a sense more
clearly. Video TV interview with George A. Bonanno, Ph.D., US American professor of clinical psychology, Teachers College, Columbia University, trauma researcher, author, George Bonanno on the Value of Grief and Grieving, presented by the Canadian
TV station TVO, Ontario, host Steve Paikin (*1960) Canadian journalist, author, documentary producer, YouTube film, minute
7:41, 17:00 minutes duration, posted 5. April 2010

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The energy of the crone aspect: Grief and letting go, and the dragon energy

The transformative energy in our being is grief. Grief is a very powerful tool.
Audio interview with Christine Page, M.D., British mystical physician, "wisdom keeper", president of the "International Society for the Study of Subtle Energy and Energy Medicine", speaker, author, The Healing Power of Sacred Women, presented via the broadcaster Blogtalkradio, show Gaiafield Radio, female unnamed host, minute 21:08, 58:00 minutes duration, aired 16. April 2013

At the most basic level forgiveness is on a continuum with grief. There needs to be for almost everyone some of grief before forgiveness. Video presentation by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., US American health psychologist, director of the Stan-
ford Forgiveness Project, author of Forgive for Good, The Resolution of Grief, presented by the Greater Good Science Center,
UC Berkeley, California, YouTube film, 7:38 minutes duration, posted 11. August 2010

Willow tree

Mindful Grief means mourning and letting go of the past without expectation, fear, censure, blame, shame, control, and so forth. Without such mindful grief, neither past nor person can be laid to rest. When we grieve mindfully, we mourn every one of the dis-
appointments, insults, and betrayals of the now irrevocably lost past. We mourn any abuse – physical, sexual, emotional. We mourn for how our parents [or friends and romantic partners] just did not want us, did not love us, or could not get past their own needs long enough to see us as the lovable beings we were and allow our unique self-emergence. We mourn every way they said no to the gift we sought to give them: full visibility of our true self, not the self we had to manufacture to please or protect them. We mourn all the times they saw how scared, forlorn, and sad we were and yet did not respond, relent, or apologize. We mourn because even now, after all these years, they still have not ad-
mitted their abuse or lack of compassion.
Grief's favorite position is piggyback. If I am abandoned in the present and allow myself to grieve the abandonment, all the old abandonments of the past, which have been waiting their turn, jump onto my grieving shoulders. Also included in the piggyback-
ing are the griefs of the human collective, what Virgil calls "the tears in things." These are the givens of relationship: the sense of something missing, the fugitive intimacies, the inevitable endings. We carry sensitivities to all those in our hearts, and our personal griefs evoke them. What a way to find out we are
not alone! We carry the heritage of the archetypal past and enrich it continually with our personal experience.
Jung suggests that working on our childhood issues is a necessary first step toward spiritual consciousness. As he
puts it, the "personal unconscious must always be dealt with first […] otherwise the gateway to the cosmic uncons-
cious cannot be opened." We cannot make up for losses, but we can learn to tolerate them and contain them. This
is what the soulful journey of mourning is about.
Mourning is an action not a transaction. It is our personal responsibility, so we do not do it with the perpetrators of
our losses, including our parents [and partners]. We interrupt our own healing as long as we still have to tell [them]
how bad we think they were.
Some of us are not yet ready to face what really happened to us; we suspect or even know that we do not have the
strength to follow the process through to its painful conclusion. It is important to respect this hesitancy and honor our
own timing. Some tears may be shed today, some next year, some in thirty years. The inner child of the past tells her
story a little at a time, lest we have too much to handle all at once. "Hurry or delay is interference," D. W. Winnicott
(1896-1971) says. The fact that grief takes so long to be resolved is not a sign of our inadequacy. Rather, it betokens
our depth of soul.
A cognitive recounting of the past may only be a memory of a memory unless it is connected strongly to a bodily fee-
ling, because every cell in our body recalls every event that impinged upon us in childhood. The body, more than
the mind, is the real human unconscious, storing both the memory of pain and our attempts to avoid it. The
work, then, is to find the accurate sense of what we felt and not necessarily a story line of exactly what hap-
pened. In fact, the content of the memories is less crucial than the conflicts they represent and the reenactments
we are still caught in.
These are the true targets of grief, not the memory of what happened.
Actually, we may never know what truly happened in our past, not because it is so lost in oblivion but because it is continually shifting in our memory. At each phase of life, it rearranges itself to fit our new sense of ourselves and the world. Memories are selections from the past. Thus, our goal is not so much to reconstruct memory but to restructure our overall sense of the past to fit our changing needs.
Don Richard Riso (1946-2012) US American teacher of the Enneagram of personality, author, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, S. 246, Shambhala, Boulder, Colorado, 1st edition 18. June 2002

The only way to live with ambiguous loss is to hold two op-
posing ideas in your mind at the same time. These are some examples: With the physically missing, people might say, "He's gone, he's probably dead, and maybe not," or "He may be coming back, but maybe not." Those kinds of thinking are common, and it is the only way that people can lower the stress of living with the ambiguity. Children learn it rapidly, and even adults learn it. It doesn't take too long. It is not part of our culture, however.
Audio interview with Pauline Boss, Ph.D., Swiss-American sociologist, emeritus professor of medicine and psychiatry, University of Wisconsin, author, Transcript for Pauline Boss – The Myth of Closure, presented by the American Public Media and Templeton Foundation, radio program On Being, founder and host Krista Tippett (*1960) US American entre-
preneur, journalist, author, 51:57 minutes duration, published 13. Decem-
ber 2018

There is no such thing as closure. We have to live with loss, clear or ambiguous. And it's OK. And it's OK to see people who are hurting and just to say something simple. "I'm so sorry." You really don't have to say more than that.
With ambiguous loss, there's really no possibility of closure. Not even, in fact, resolution, whichever word you prefer
to use. Therefore, it ends up looking like what the psychiatrists now call "complicated grief." That is, in fact, a diagnosis,
complicated grief. It's believed that it requires some kind of psychiatric intervention. My point is very different, that am-
biguous loss is a complicated loss, which causes, therefore, complicated grief. But it is not pathological. Individually,
that is. It's not a pathological psyche; it's a pathological situation. As clients frequently say back to me, "Oh, you mean the situation is crazy, not me?" That's what exactly what I mean. Audio interview with Pauline Boss, Ph.D., Swiss-American sociologist, emeritus professor of medicine and psychiatry, University of Wisconsin, author, Transcript for Pauline Boss – The Myth of Closure, presented by the American Public Media and Templeton Foundation, radio program On Being, founder and host Krista Tippett (*1960) US American entrepreneur, journalist, author, 51:57 minutes duration, published 13. December 2018

Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does
not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief
has a lot in common with Love.
The only way that I can "handle" Grief, then, is the same way that I “handle” Love — by not "handling" it. By bowing
down before its power, in complete humility.
Elizabeth Gilbert (*1969) US American biographer, novelist, memoirist, essayist, short story writer, author, cited in: article Elizabeth Gilbert on Love, Loss, and How to Move Through Grief as Grief Moves Through You, presented by the free weekly digest Brain Pickings, host Maria Popova (*1984) Bulgarian critic, blogger, writer, 17. October 2018

You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent them from nesting in
your hair. Swedish proverb

References: en.Wikiquote entries ► Grief and ► Sadness

Literary quotes

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Index: Audio- und Videomedien (engl.) von und mit D. Hawkins

Video Sedona Seminar Witnessing and Observing, lecture 5, 3 DVD set, 16. October 2004

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Links zum Thema Trauer / Sadness and grief

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Literatur

Romano Guardini (1885-1968) italienischer katholischer Religionsphilosoph, Theologe, Autor, Essay Vom Sinn der Schwer-
mut, 1928, Vom Sinn der Schwermut, Topos Plus, Kevelaer, Taschenbuchausgabe 1. September 2008, 10. Auflage 2010,
12. Auflage 2017
Yorick Spiegel (1935-2010) deutscher evangelischer Theologe, Autor, Der Prozeß des Trauerns. Analyse und Beratung, Gütersloher Verlagshaus, Gütersloh, 1973, 8. Auflage 1995
Verena Kast (*1943) Schweizer Professorin für Psychologie, Universität Zürich, Dozentin und Lehranalytikerin, C. G. Jung-
Institut, Zürich, Trauern. Phasen und Chancen des psychischen Prozesses, Kreuz-Verlag, 23. Auflage 1. Januar 2001
Dr. phil. Jorgos Canacakis (*1935) deutscher Diplompsychologe, Psychotherapeut, Buchautor, Ich sehe deine Tränen,
Kreuz-Verlag, 2002
Sabine Bode (*1947) deutsche freiberufliche Journalistin, Buchautorin, Fritz Roth (1949-2012) deutscher Bestattungs-
unternehmer, Trauerbegleiter, Autor, Trauer hat viele Farben, Ehrenwirth Verlag, Bergisch Gladbach, 2004, Bastei Lübbe,
2. Auflage 30. Dezember 2009
Roland Kachler (*1955) deutscher Diplompsychologe, psychologischer Psychotherapeut, Trauerbegleiter, evangelischer Theologe, Autor, Meine Trauer wird dich finden. Ein neuer Ansatz in der Trauerarbeit, Kreuz Verlag, 13. Auflage 9. Septem-
ber 2005
Petra Franziska Killinger, Schmetterlingsflüstern. Botschaften einer Kinderseele, Kösel-Verlag, München, 2. Auflage 15. Sep-
tember 2005
Johann-Christoph Student, Herausgeber, Sterben, Tod und Trauer. Handbuch für Begleitende, Herder, Freiburg im Breisgau,
2. Auflage 2006
Fritz Roth (1949-2012) deutscher Bestattungsunternehmer, Trauerbegleiter, hier: Herausgeber, Autor, Einmal Jenseits und zurück. Ein Koffer für die letzte Reise, Gütersloher Verlagshaus, 6. Auflage 12. Juni 2006
Sabine Bode (*1947) deutsche freiberufliche Journalistin, Buchautorin, Fritz Roth (1949-2012) deutscher Bestattungsunternehmer, Trauerbegleiter, Autor, Trauer ist Liebe. Was menschliche Trauer wirklich braucht, Gütersloher Verlagshaus, Gütersloh, 11. September 2006
Roland Kachler (*1955) deutscher Diplompsychologe, psychologischer Psychotherapeut, Trauerbegleiter, evangelischer Theologe, Autor, Damit aus meiner Trauer Liebe wird. Neue Wege in der Trauerarbeit, Kreuz Verlag, 4. Taschenbuchauf-
lage 18. September 2007
Roland Kachler (*1955) deutscher Diplompsychologe, psychologischer Psychotherapeut, Trauerbegleiter, evangelischer Theologe, Autor, Was bei Trauer gut tut, Verlag Herder, 3. Taschenbuchauflage 9. August 2011
Jörg Zink (1922-2016) deutscher evangelischer Theologe, Pfarrer, Sprecher der Friedens- und Ökologiebewegung, Publizist, Trauer hat heilende Kraft, Kreuz Verlag, 1. Auflage 10. Februar 2015
Jorge Bucay (*1949) argentinischer Psychiater, Gestalttherapeut, Autor, Das Buch der Trauer. Wege aus Schmerz und Ver-
lust, Fischer Taschenbuch, 3. Auflage 23. Juli 2015
Sabine Bode (*1947) deutsche freiberufliche Journalistin, Buchautorin, David Roth, deutscher Trauerbegleiter, Autor, Das
letzte Hemd hat viele Farben. Für einen lebendigen Umgang mit dem Sterben, Bastei Lübbe, 2. Auflage 23. Februar 2018

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Literature (engl.)

Pauline Boss, Ph.D., Swiss-American sociologist, emeritus professor of medicine and psychiatry, University of Wisconsin,
author, Ambiguous Loss. Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, Harvard University Press, 1st edition 2. October 2000
George A. Bonanno, Ph.D., US American professor of clinical psychology, Teachers College, Columbia University, trauma researcher, author, The Other Side of Sadness. What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, Basic Books, 1st edition 28. December 2010
Mirabai Starr, US American teacher of philosophy, bereavement counselor, translator of sacred literature, author, Caravan of
No Despair. A Memoir of Loss and Transformation, Sounds True, paperback issue 1. November 2015

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Externe Weblinks

Wikipedia-Einträge Trauer

Artikel Trauerphasen nach Verena Kast, präsentiert von der Publikation Die Johanniter, undatiert
1. Trauerphase: Nicht-Wahrhaben-Wollen
2. Trauerphase: Aufbrechende Emotionen
3. Trauerphase: Suchen und Sich-Trennen
4. Trauerphase: Neuer Selbst- und Weltbezug
Siehe auch: Video Die vier Phasen der Trauer, präsentiert von dem deutschen öffentlich-rechtlichen Fernsehsender ARD, WDR,
1:49 Minuten Dauer, verfügbar in der WDR Mediathek bis 17. Februar 2021
Artikel [Induced After-Death Communication (IADC/EMDR)] Induzierte-Nach-Tod-Kommunikation (INTK) mit Verstorbenen, seit 1995 angewandte grenzüberschreitende Trauer-Therapie des US-amerikanischen klinischen Psychologen Dr. Allan Botkin, prä-
sentiert von der deutschen grenzwissenschaftlichen Zeitschrift NEXUS Magazin, Michael E. Tymn, Heft 8, Dezember 2006/Ja-
nuar 2007
Article Elizabeth Gilbert on Love, Loss, and How to Move Through Grief as Grief Moves Through You, presented by the free weekly digest Brain Pickings, host Maria Popova (*1984) Bulgarian critic, blogger, writer, 17. October 2018
Beitrag Welche Möglichkeiten gibt es, mit Trauer umzugehen?, Referenz zu Buckminster Fuller, präsentiert von der kaliforni-
schen Frage-und-Antwort Webseite Quora, Elfriede Ammann, 175 Aufrufe · 3 Likes, 13. August 2019

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External web links (engl.)

Wikipedia entries Grief, Sadness

Article The Mourner’s Bill of Rights, presented by Healgrief.org, Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., undated
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts.”
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

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Audio- und Videolinks

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Audio and video links (engl.)

Video presentation / satsang by Burt Harding, Canadian Advaita Vedanta teacher, founder of the Awareness Foundation in Vancouver, YouTube film
- Most spiritual seekers suffer sadness, part 1 of 2, 9:14 minutes duration, posted 19. September 2007
- From sadness and fear to joy, part 2 of 2, 9:12 minutes duration, posted 20. September 2007
Video interview with Katherine Shear, M.D., US American professor of psychiatry, psychotherapy research, Columbia Univer-
sity School of Social Work, Current insights on dying, panick attacks, depression, grieving and bereavement, presented by the
US American web portal Big Think, host Austin Allen, 32:26 minutes duration, recorded 3. November 2009, aired 18. November 2009 Depression requires psychotherapeutic and medicated help.
"Grief itself is a natural (healing) response."
Video interview with Susan Piver, US American intuitive, innovative thinker, How to Mend a Broken Heart, presented by the monthly news magazine U.S. News & World Report, YouTube film, 5:14 minutes duration, posted 14. January 2010
Video TV interview with George A. Bonanno, Ph.D., US American professor of clinical psychology, Teachers College, Columbia University, trauma researcher, author, George Bonanno on the Value of Grief and Grieving, presented by the Canadian TV sta-
tion TVO, host Steve Paikin (*1960) Canadian journalist, author, documentary producer, YouTube film, 17:00 minutes duration, posted 5. April 2010
"Not everybody, but the majority of people are resilient." Minute 4:53
Video presentation by Fred Luskin, Ph.D., US American health psychologist, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, au-
thor of Forgive for Good, The Resolution of Grief, presented by the Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, California,
YouTube film, 7:38 minutes duration, posted 11. August 2010
Video presentation by George A. Bonanno, Ph.D., US American professor of clinical psychology, Teachers College, Columbia University, trauma researcher, author, Measuring human resilience, YouTube film, 19:52 minutes duration, posted 2. October 2012

Human beings coping with loss, trauma and other forms of extreme adversity

"There isn't one thing that predicts resilience. It's not two things. It is not necessarily in us."

Audio interview with Francis Weller, US American psychotherapist, soul activist, writer, Francis Weller: Five Gates of Grief (2013), sponsored by 2013 Minnesota Men's Conference, YouTube film, 56:53 minutes duration, posted 4. November 2013
Video interview with Francis Weller, US American psychotherapist, soul activist, writer, Francis Weller on Grief (2013), sponsored by the Minnesota Men's Conference, 2013, YouTube film, 13:50 minutes duration, posted 29. January 2014
Video presentation by Gabor Maté, M.D. drgabormate.com (*1944) Hungarian-Canadian physician, addiction expert, speaker, author, The Biology of Loss and Recovery, presented on the Stress Resilience Conference, sponsored by the Niroga Institute, Oakland, California, 14. August 2015, YouTube film, 1:05:16 duration, posted 15. May 2016
Video interview with Dr. Allan Botkin, Psy.D., US American clinical psychologist, developer of the "Induced After-Death Com-
munication" (IADC) method, Latest Breakthrough In Contacting The Departed – Induced After Death Communication, presen-
ted by the Afterlife TV, host Bob Olson, YouTube film, 1:03:14 minutes duration, posted 29. October 2015
Video The New World | The Lost Art of Grief, YouTube film, 8:16 minutes duration, posted 29. September 2017
Audio interview with Pauline Boss, Ph.D., Swiss-American sociologist, emeritus professor of medicine and psychiatry, Univer-
sity of Wisconsin, author, Transcript for Pauline Boss – The Myth of Closure, presented by the American Public Media and Templeton Foundation, radio program On Being, founder and host Krista Tippett (*1960) US American entrepreneur, jour-
nalist, author, 51:57 minutes duration, published 13. December 2018

Exploring complicated grief, the myth of closure, and learning to hold the losses in our midst

Linkless media offering

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Movie and documentary links

Animated and narrated lesson A brief history of melancholy, presented by TED-Ed, educator Courtney Stephens, animator Sharon Colman Graham, YouTube film, 5:28 minutes duration, posted 2. October 2014
Canadian documentary on terminal care featuring Stephen Jenkinson, MTS, MSW, Canadian theologian, storyteller, spiritual activist, farmer, founder of the Orphan Wisdom School, griefwalker, teacher, author, GRIEFWALKER, directed by Tim Wilson, produced by National Film Board of Canada, presented by Culture Unplugged, 70:09 duration, 2008

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