SpiritualWiki - Beziehungstipps

Güte in den Worten erzeugt Vertrauen,
Güte beim Denken erzeugt Tiefe,
Güte beim Verschenken erzeugt Liebe.
Laotse (604-531 v. Chr.), Tao te King,
Kapitel 8, 800-200 v. Chr.

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Zitate zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Quotes on relationship advice

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Zitate allgemein

Persönliche Bekenntnisse

Schlussfolgerung

Wir begegnen uns auf der Grundlage unserer Ähnlichkeiten und wachsen aufgrund unserer Verschiedenheit. Virginia Satir [Mutter der Familientherapie] (1916-1988) US-amerikanische Sozialarbeiterin, psychotherapeutische Familien-
stellerin, Autorin, The New Peoplemaking, Souvenir Press, 1978, S. 246, Science and Behavior Books, 1988, 2. Taschenbuch-
auflage 1. November 1989

Empfehlungen

Hast du einen Menschen gern, so musst du ihn versteh'n.
Musst nicht immer hier und da, seine Fehler seh'n.
Schau mit Liebe und verzeih', denn am Ende bist du selbst nicht fehlerfrei.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe [BW 465] (1749-1832) deutscher Universalgelehrter, Bühnendichter, Schriftsteller, zitiert in:
Gute Zitate

1. Nehmt euch Zeit füreinander und sorgt für gemeinsame Momente.
2. Seid gute Freunde.
3. Folge dem goldenen Faden in deinem Leben.
4. Erfahre die Liebe als Seinszustand.
5. Achte die Bedürfnisse deines Partners.
6. Versetze dich in deinen Partner hinein.
7. Drücke Dankbarkeit und Wertschätzung aus.

Artikel 7 Tipps für eine bessere Beziehung die du sofort anwenden kannst, präsentiert von der Webseite hafawo, Barbara Vödisch, 27. Juli 2020, 6. Januar 2022

Einsicht

Die höchste Berufung einer Frau ist es, einen Mann zu seiner Seele zu geleiten, um ihn mit dem Ursprung
zu verbinden, ihre niedrigste Berufung ist es, den Mann zu verführen, ihn von seiner Seele abzuspalten und ihn
ziellos umherziehen zu lassen.
Die höchste Berufung eines Mannes ist es, die Frau zu beschützen, damit sie frei ist, unversehrt auf Erden
zu leben. Die niedrigste Berufung des Mannes ist es, hinterhältig zu handeln und gewalttätig in das Leben einer
Frau einzudringen. Weisheit der Cherokee, nordamerikanischer Ureinwohnerstamm

Blauer Schmetterling

Die Erfahrung lehrt uns, dass Liebe nicht darin besteht, dass man einander ansieht, sondern dass man gemeinsam in gleicher Richtung blickt.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (1900-1944) französischer Flieger, Schriftsteller, Henrik Becker, Übersetzer, Wind, Sand und Sterne, S. 216, Karl Rauch Verlag 1941, S. 178, 18. Auflage 1989

Die erste energetische Beziehungsarbeit ist, anzuerkennen, dass jeder seine Gefühle selbst macht – auch die, von denen er oder sie allzu gern annimmt, sie seien ihm oder ihr 'von außen' hervorgerufen.
Michael Lukas Moeller (1937-2002) deutscher Professor für Seelische Gesundheit (1973-1983), Psychoanalytiker, Paartherapeut, Autor, Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit. Das Paar im Gespräch, S. 210, rororo Sachbuch, 1988, 31. Auflage 2010

'Ohne Du ist das Ich unmöglich.' [Martin Buber, jüdischer Religionsforscher und -philosoph] Nur wenige begreifen, dass jedes Ich beziehungsgeboren ist. [...] Unsere narzisstische Schädigung kann als Ergebnis eines Mangels an bestätigenden Spiegeln in der Kindheit angesehen werden. Zwiegespräche sind "nachholende Sozialisation". Der Partner "validiert meine Selbstdarstellung". So verstehe ich, wer ich bin.
Michael Lukas Moeller (1937-2002) deutscher Professor für Seelische Gesundheit (1973-1983), Psychoanalytiker, Paartherapeut, Autor, Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit. Das Paar im Gespräch, S. 273, rororo Sachbuch, 1988, 31. Auflage 2010

Ein bedeutender Anteil unseres Herzschmerzes resultiert aus unserem Bemühen, auf dem Weg der Entdeckung viel
zu früh zu benennen, wen wir lieben, was wir lieben oder wie wir lieben. Am Anfang können wir nie wissen, wel-
che Art von Liebe uns erwartet, wenn wir uns einem Menschen, einer Arbeit, einer Ehe oder einer Thematik hinge-
ben. Wenn wir eine bestimmte ausgeklügelte Form der Gegenleistung verlangen, ehe die Offenbarung vollständig
aufgeblüht ist, sind wir fast immer betrogen und in dieser Trauer fehlt die besondere Form der Liebe, die tatsächlich
möglich ist, ohne allerdings unseren anfänglichen und zu eindeutigen Erwartungen zu entsprechen. Mit dem Gefühl
der Trauer nehmen wir unsere von der Liebe enttäuschte Identität, unser fast stolzes Gefühl der Ernüchterung, das
uns daran hindert, die fehlende Gegenleistung des Menschen oder der Situation einfach als eine schwierige Einla-
dung zu einer tieferen und noch nicht erkennbaren Form der Zuneigung zu sehen. Es hat den Anschein, als ob das
Lieben stets auf einen Weg der bescheidenen Lehre hinausläuft, nicht nur, indem es seinem schwierigen Weg folgt
und seine verschiedenen Ausdrucksarten der Demut und der schönen Schmach entdeckt, sondern seltsamerwei-
se durch seine heftige Einführung in seine vielen erstaunlichen und verschiedenen Formen, wo wir ständig und ge-
gen unseren Willen aufgefordert werden, in vielfältiger Weise zu geben, ohne genau zu wissen, auf welche Weise
oder auch wann, das Geschenk zurückgegeben wird. David Whyte (*1955) britisch-amerikanischer Dichter, November Thoughts [November-Überlegungen], Facebook-Kommentar, November 2013

Wir können nicht nur in Opposition zu jemandem stehen, sondern auch mit ihm über Kreuz sein. Durch den direkten Gegenpol werden Schattenthemen meist sofort deutlich, aber das, womit wir über Kreuz sind, enthüllt noch mehr und manchmal tiefere Schattenaspekte. S. 41
Das Spiel mit der Opposition haben wir oft im Schatten-Prinzip geübt, die dritte und vierte Seite der Medaille, die nun ebenfalls einbezogen und gewürdigt werden, erleichtern es, klarer zu sehen und schließlich in die Mitte zu gelangen.
S. 42
Wenn der Weg durch das Tetragramm erfolgreich abgeschlossen ist, erfolgt automatisch die Integration auf physi-
scher und feinstofflicher Ebene. Somit wirkt die Methode ganzheitlich und nachhaltig. S. 56

Dr. Rüdiger Dahlke (*1951) deutscher Psychotherapeut, Ganzheitsmediziner, Dozent, Autor, Christoph Hornik, deutscher Berater, Coachingausbilder, Unternehmenstrainer, Die 4 Seiten der Medaille. Eine einfache Methode, um unsere wahre Mitte zu finden, Arkana, Kindle-E-Buch, Erstauflage 2. November 2015

Geliebt wirst du einzig, wo du schwach dich zeigen darfst, ohne Stärke zu provozieren.
Theodor W. Adorno (1903-1969) deutscher internationaler Sozialphilosoph, Soziologe, Musiktheoretiker, Komponist, Gesell-
schaftskritiker, Begründer und Hauptvertreter der Frankfurter Schule, im amerikanischen Exil verfasste philosophische Schrift Minima Moralia, Suhrkamp, Frankfurt am Main, 1951, 1969

Literatur-, Film- und Dokumentationszitate

Manchmal fühle ich mich zu zweit nicht ganz wohl.
Es gibt Leute, bei denen fühle ich mich wie ein Brillant, der von einem Huhn verschluckt worden ist.
Andere glotzen mich an, als ob ich ein Huhn wäre, das einen Brillanten verschluckt hat.
Gewiss sind mir jene am angenehmsten, mit denen ich Umgang habe als Brillant unter Brillanten.
Und doch vermisse ich nicht selten die, mit denen ich reden könnte: ganz einfach von Huhn zu Huhn.
Wjatscheslaw Kuprijanow (*1939) russischer Mathematiker, Sprachwissenschaftler, Übersetzer, Lyriker,
Wie man eine Giraffe wird, Wiessach im Tal, 1989

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General quotes

Personal avowal

No, I do not want to be loved unconditionally.
I want to be shown when I am treating you less than you deserve.
I want you to leave it I ever start making you promises I do not see through.
Love me for my flaws, yes, but don't you dare ever allow them to hurt you.
Beau Taplin, Australian self-publishing author, A little known fact of longing, undated

I'm not the type to cycle in and out of relationsships. I experience true connection rarely and would never dare settle for less. I'd rather wait a lifetime in isolation for something that genuinely captivates me, than rush into something shallow or ordinary just to be needed. Beau Taplin, Australian self-publishing author, The Revolving Door, 16. September 2017

Embrace

Recommendations

Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us. Pablo Neruda (1904-1973) Chilean politician, poet, writer, Nobel laureate in literature, 1971, cited in: Pablo Neruda's Quotes, presented by the blogspot perplexityblue, undated

It's important to learn to redirect unwanted sexual energy in a straightforward way. This includes kindness and humor. This is not about protecting men's feelings, it's about creating a trusting relationship with yourself and increasing your confidence in navigating relationship challenges. Practi-
cing respect for ourselves and others is the best policy we've got. Diane Musho Hamilton, US American mediator, Zen Buddhist sensei, teacher of Zen and Integral spirituality, Big Mind lineage hol-
der, cofounder of The Boulder Mountain Zendo, author, contributed to: Vanessa D. Fisher, editor, Integral Voices on Sex, Gender, and Sexuality. Critical Inquiries, State University of New York Press, 1. August 2014

Advice for men:
Rule #1 – Don't be a dick.
Rule #2 – Don't be a pussy.
Life motto – Be a good guy.
Keith Witt, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, counselor, speaker, author, 2 Rules for Guys, YouTube film, 3:20 minutes duration, posted 9. October 2012

Advice for women:
Rule #1 – Don't be a (hot or cold) bitch.
Rule #2 – Don't be a doormat.
Life motto – Be a great woman.
Keith Witt, Ph.D., US American clinical psychologist, counselor, speaker, author, 2 Rules for Women, YouTube film, 3:02 minutes duration, posted 11. January 2013

Leaving is not enough; you must stay gone. […]
Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.
Poem by Marty McConnell, US American poet, Frida Kahlo To Marty McConnell, date unknown, falsely attributed to Frida Kahlo (1907-1954) Mexican painter, best known for her self-portraits

You don't get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose if you want to participate in the way they love.
Iyanla Vanzant [Rhonda Eva Harris] (*1953) US American lawyer, New Thought teacher, Yoruba priestess, inspirational speaker,
life coach, television personality, author, cited in: Goodreads Quotable Quote

Conclusion

We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences.
Virginia Satir [Mother of Family Therapy] (1916-1988) US American social worker, family constellations therapist, author, The New Peoplemaking, Souvenir Press, 1978, S. 246, Science and Behavior Books, 1988, 2nd paperback edition 1. November 1989

A woman's highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source;
her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from soul and leave him aimlessly wandering.
A man's highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.
Man's lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman.
Wisdom of the Cherokee, North American Indian tribe

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Women are the guardian of connection, men are connectable by instruction.

Men, when they are upset, don't like to talk.
Women like to talk when they are upset. You're the guardian of connection, and he is connectable by instruction. So stay positive. And remember, men do not know how they feel or they would tell us. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., US American family and relationship therapist, author, How can I get my husband to tell me what's wrong so I don't have to ask him? Disconnected, deleted YouTube film, minute 0:56, 2:01 minutes duration, posted 13. February 2012

Though no one notices at the time, in-loveness obliterates the humanity of the beloved. One does a curious kind
of insult to another by falling in love with him, for we are really looking at our own projection of God, not at the other
person. If two people are in love, they tread on star dust for a time and live happily ever after – that is so long as this
experience of divinity has obliterated time for them. Only when they come down to earth do they have to look at each
other realistically and only then does the possibility of mature love exist. If one person is in love and the other not, the cooler one is likely to say, "We would have something better between us if you would look at me rather than at
your image of me."
Robert A. Johnson (1921-2018) US American Jungian analyst, lecturer, author, Owning Your Own Shadow. Understanding the
Dark Side of the Psyche, Harper Collins, San Francisco, 1991, reprint edition 5. March 1993, Harper One, 9. June 2009

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Forms of love: demanding love ♦ difficult invitation to affection

Naming love too early

Most of our heartbreak comes from attempting to name who we love or what we love or the way we love far too early in the journey of discovery. We can never know to begin with, in giving ourselves to a person, to a work, to a marriage or to a cause, exactly what kind of love we are involved with. When we demand a certain specific kind of reciprocation before the revelation has flowered completely we al-
most always find ourselves bereft and in that grief miss the particular form of love that is actually possible but that did not meet our initial and too specific expectations. Feeling bereft we take our identity as one who is disappointed in love, our almost proud sense of disillusionment preventing us from seeing the lack of reciprocation from the person
or the situation as simply a difficult invitation into a deeper and as yet unrecognizable form of affection. Lo-
ving, it seems, always becomes a path of humble apprenticeship, not only in following its difficult way and disco-
vering its different forms of humility and beautiful abasement but strangely, through its fierce introduction to its many astonishing and different forms, where we are asked continually and against our will, to give in so many different ways,
without knowing exactly, in what way, or even when, the gift will be returned.
David Whyte (*1955) US American poet, November Thoughts, Facebook comment, November 2013

Hugging cats

Mindfulness is being an adult. It is unattainable for someone who lacks inner cohesion, personal continuity, and integration. Being a fair witness requires a healthy ego, because distance and objectivity are unavailable to someone with poor bounda-
ries, no tolerance of ambiguity, and no sense of a personal center.
Mindfulness can be either consciousness without content (pure awareness with no attention to any particular issue or feeling) or consciousness with content (attention without ego intrusi-
ons, called mindfulness of the mind).
Mindfulness is a courageous venture because it is trusting that we have it in us to hold and tolerate our feelings, to grant them hospitality no matter how frightening they seem, to live with them in equipoise. We then discover a strength within us that
is equivalent of self-discovery. From that self-esteem comes effective relating with others. Because mindfulness leads us to let go of ego by letting go of fear and grasping, it is
an apt tool for relating. It makes us present to others, without the buffers of the neurotic ego.
We simply stay with someone as he/she is, noticing not judging. We take what a partner does as information without having to censor or blame. In doing this we put space around and event rather than crowding it with our own beliefs, fears, and judgments. Such mindful presence dress us from constricting identification with another’s actions. A healthy relationship is one in which there are more and more such spacious moments.
Mindfulness is not meant to help us escape reality but to see it clearly, without the blinding overlays of the ego.
Mindfulness is inherent in human nature. We were built to pay attention to reality. Indeed, paying attention is a survival technique. Over the years, though, we learn to escape reality and take refuge in illusory sanctuaries built by and ego frightened of reality. We notice that it is easier to believe what will make us feel better, and we feel entitled
to expect that others will be what we need them to be. These are man-made chains that look like links to happi-
ness. But once we commit ourselves to experience divested of ego wishes and attachments, we begin to act straight-
forwardly, becoming truthful with one another.
The healthy ego is the part of us that can observe self, situations, and persons, assess them; and respond in such a way as to move towards our goals. It assists us in relationships by making us responsible and sensible in our choices and commitments.
The neurotic ego, on the other hand, is the part of us that is compulsively driven or stymied by fear or desire, feeding arrogance, entitlement, attachment, and the need to control other people. Sometimes it is self-negating and makes us feel we are victims of others. This neurotic ego is the one we are meant to dismantle as our spiritual
task in life.
The neurotic ego wants to follow the path of least resistance. The spiritual Self wants to reveal new paths.
Childhood forces influence present choices, for the past is on a continuum with the present. Early business that is still unfinished does not have to be a sign of immaturity; rather, it can signal continuity. Recurrence of childhood themes in adult relationships gives our life depth in that we are not superficially passing over life events but inhabiting them fully as they evolve. Our past becomes a problem only when it leads to a compulsion to repeat our losses or smuggles unconscious determinants into our decisions. Our work, then, is not to abolish our connection to the past but to take it into account without being at tis mercy. The question is how much the past interferes with our chances at healthy rela-
ting and living in accord with our deepest needs, values, and wishes.
Every person needs the nourishment of food throughout life. Likewise, a psychologically healthy person needs the sus-
tenance of the five A's – attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. It is true that unmet needs
for the five A's in childhood cannot be made up for later in life, in the sense that they cannot be fulfilled so absolutely,
so immediately, or so unfailingly. That absolute, immediate fulfillment of needs by one person is appropriate only to
infants. But needs can be fulfilled, in short or longterm installments, throughout life. The problem is not that we seek
gratification but that we seek too much of it all at once. What we did not receive enough of before, we cannot receive
enough of now; what we did receive enough of before, we can receive enough of now.
We do not outgrow our early needs. Rather they become less overwhelming, and we find less primitive ways to fulfill them. For example, an infant may need to be cradled and carried, while an adult may be satisfied with a supportive remark and a kindly glance. Sometimes a lifelong need can be fulfilled by just such little moments of mindful love. David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T. (*1940) US American psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, writer, How to Be an Adult in Rela-
tionships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, Shambhala, 1st edition 18. June 2002

Here are the words of an adult: "Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don't know whether I will ever find somone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at
my soul/adult level." […]
Here are the words of a codependent: "Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I can't let you go – even though you do not meet me at
my soul/adult level." David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T. (*1940) US American psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, writer, How
to Be an Adult in Relationships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, Shambhala, 1st edition 18. June 2002

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. Margaret Mead (1901-1978) US American cultural anthropologist, sociologist, biologist, lecturer, popular writer, cited in: Goodreads Quotable Quote

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Terrified from authentic love

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them.

Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through.

Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another – they have more individuation work to do first.

Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives – they have another path and purpose to walk first.

Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with us.

Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe.

Sometimes they know something we don't – they know their limits at that moment in time.

Real love is no easy path – readiness is everything.

May we grieve loss without personalizing it.

May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.

Jeff Brown, M.A., Canadian lawyer, psychologist, body-centered psychotherapist, author, Facebook comment, 1. January 2014

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Processing loss –
Women ⇔ men

Women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man. A brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy followed by many years of lactation for an ancestral woman, while the man may have 'left the scene' literally minutes after the encounter, with no further biological investment. It is this 'risk' of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship with a high-quality mate 'hurts' more for a woman.
The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing'
all over again to replace what he has lost – or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable.
Craig Morris, English research associate, Binghamton University, lead author on the study, cited in: Study: Women hurt more by breakups but recover more fully, presented by Binghamton University, United Kingdom, 6. August 2015

Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward. Article Masters of Love, presented by the US American magazine The Atlantic, Emily Esfahani Smith, Swiss-Canadian instructor in positive psychology, University of Pennsylvania, journalist, writer, 12. June 2014

Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn't bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart. Patricia Love, Ed.D., Steven Stosny, Ph.D., US American founder of CompassionPower, author, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Harmony, reprint edition 29. April 2008

Meadow covered with flowers

Research and clinical experience also tell us that marriage and committed love relationships are more important to the health and wellbeing of men than women. Divorced men do not work as well or live as long or "survive" with any-
thing like the quality of life enjoyed by married men. They are at considerably higher risk of alcoholism, suicide, physical and mental illness, unemployment, car crashes, and other acci-
dents. They lose contact with friends, stop going to church or social groups, and eventually isolate themselves completely, except for whatever company they can find in a bar. In short, they lose meaning and purpose. Without a partner, men just go through the motions of living.
Patricia Love, Ed.D., Steven Stosny, Ph.D., US American founder of CompassionPower, author, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, "Introduction", S. 3, 2nd edition, Harmony, reprint edition 29. April 2008
Also cited in: Martin Ucik, German general manager, entrepreneur, integral relationship evolutionary, Integral Relationships. A Manual for Men, singles2couples.org Publishing, 1st edition 30. July 2010

Reasons why marriage counseling tends to lead to divorce:
1. ♦ Most counselors are trained to focus on the individual.¹
2. ♦ Most counselors have been divorced themselves and are biased in favor of divorce.
3. ♦ We have a "short-term" view of love.
4. ♦ We live in a trade-me-in culture.
5. ♦ Most counseling focuses on improved communication and problem solving.
6. ♦ Most counseling takes place in an office where the therapist and client(s) talk.²
7. ♦ Most counseling is geared towards the way women communicate.
8. ♦ Women are assumed to have more "mental health" problems than men.

Most important thing in picking a therapist isn’t their degree, but how skilled they are in helping heal three levels of relationship:

♦ relationship to ourselves,
♦ relationship to the other member of the couple,
♦ relationship to our families (and beyond that to the larger community of life).

Its also good to have someone who isn't afraid to share their own experiences with marriage and divorce, their own biases, and what they've learned that will be helpful to the couple seeking help.

Article Why Marriage Counseling Leads to Divorce, presented by the US American men's initiative The Good Men Project, Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, 22. February 2015

Our hearts will be broken in our relationships. A good relationship is not a relationship in which your heart is never broken. A good relationship is a relationship in which, after it is broken, the healing will occur. That is what separates the grown-up from the kid. […]
Real intimacy is not the absence of tension. It is the management of tension and using tension to grow. Video interview with Terry Real LICSW, US American family therapist, speaker, author, 04: Advanced Relationship Jiu Jitsu with Terry Real, episode 4, presented by the audio podcast "Relationship Alive", host Neil Sattin, YouTube film, minute 49:33, minute 50:06, minute 54:44 [about the "relationship grid"], 1:02:13 duration, posted 17. August 2016

Thus to gain greater access to the gold of our nature in relationship, a certain alchemy is required: the refining of
our conditioned defensive patterns. The good news is that this alchemy generated between two people also fur-
thers a larger alchemy within them. The opportunity here is to join and integrate the twin poles of human existen-
ce: heaven, the vast space of perfect, unconditional openness, and earth, our imperfect, limited human form, shaped by worldly causes and conditions.
Article Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible, presented by the Buddhist magazine Lion's Roar, John Welwood, Ph.D. (1943-2019) US American clinical and transpersonal psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, author, 10. August 2017

Song lyrics

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.
If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. [...]
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you;
you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.
Bob Marley (1945-1981) Jamaican singer-songwriter, musician

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Quotes – Movie As Good As It Gets

It takes a mad man to know one's kind.

Melvin Udall to a group of depressed psychiatric patients

What if this is as good as it gets?

Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt As Good as it Gets, Psychiatrist Scene, minute 1:32, 1:41 minutes duration, posted 27. May 2015

A man breaking his feelings to a woman, exposing his vulnerability.

Melvin Udall	I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol·Connelly	I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall	Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what – ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly	I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall	You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly	[…] That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall	Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

Source: ► Movie excerpt You Make Me Want to Be a Better Man – As Good as It Gets (7/8) Movie CLIP (1997),
2:30 minutes duration, posted 25. October 2012

A woman's futile wish for having a normal boyfriend

Carol Connelly	Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly	Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt not available

A man acknowledging a woman whose enneagram type is # 1

Melvin Udall

I got a great compliment for you. [...]
I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good.
I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

Source: ► YouTube movie excerpt As Good as It Gets ending.avi, 1997, 4:25 minutes duration, posted 12. October 2010

Source: ► American romantic comedy film As Good As It Gets, starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt, 1997
A single mother/waitress, a misanthropic OCD writer, and a gay artist form an unlikely friendship after the artist is assaulted in a robbery.

See also:
► Nine types of the enneagram – exemplified
► Maturity and ► Madness and ► Vulnerability and ► Authenticity and ► Woman and ► Depression

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Englische Texte – English section on Relationship advices

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Part I: Basics of relationships – Jed Diamond

Men and women are more alike than different.

Basic human needs according to Abraham Maslow³ are blind to gender:

Physical survival need: air, water, food, and a stable body temperature
Physical/emotional survival need: for security
Emotional survival need: to love and be loved
Mental success need: self-esteem
Mental/spiritual growth need: self-actualization

Monarch butterfly on a Zinnia flower

The differences between men and women are critical.
Psychologist John Gray says:
"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus."
Psychologist Marilyn Volker says:
"There are either 'Penis people' or 'Vulva people'."
People differ not only in their genitals.

The differences are not what role models [social memes] ascribe.
The traits we often associate with men and women are not inherent but influenced by gender conditioning.
Females are meant to be "sensitive, tender, feeling, soft, curvy, thin, passive, receptive, nice, sweet, hairless, quiet, giving, nur-
turing, apologetic".
Males are allowed to be "assertive, cool, stoic, aggressive, hairy, active, athletic, muscular, rugged, tough, outspoken, courageous, protective".

The differences between men and women are due to the two organizing principles in life:
dynamism and magnetism.
Dynamism is the capacity to initiate and to expand outwardly – the Animus, the Yang, the Sun, the "seeker".
Magnetism is – the Anima, the Yin, the Moon, the attractor.

Men and women alike will develop four universal dynamic functions and four universal magnetic functions.

According to cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien (1940-2014), 95% of cultures around the world agree on four dynamic functions and four magnetic functions:

Dynamic function: Words, language, and logic
Magnetic function: Vision, intuition, and perception
Dynamic function: Deeds, productivity, bringing into form
Magnetic function: Organizing, systematizing, and incubating
Dynamic function: Leadership and power
Magnetic function: Beauty, nurture, care, and healing
Dynamic function: Exploring the meaning of life
Magnetic function: Honoring the sacred through ritual and ceremony

For men, the dynamic is core. For women, the magnetic is core.
Manhood rests on the dynamic – communication, deeds, leadership, and meaning.
Womanhood rests on the magnetic – vision, beauty, ritual, and organization.

The sacred marriage of dynamism and magnetism is bound to occur within each person.
The dynamic and magnetic functions are the basis to being human.

There are three ways to get close to one another: Social, Sensual and Sexual.
Being social, sensual, and sexual are expressions of the basic human need to connect with others – within families, neighborhoods, clubs, tribes, nations, the world community.

There are four avenues to express the social, sensual, and sexual nature: Hetero, Homo, Bi, and Auto.

When we relate to someone of the other sex, we are engaging in a "hetero" relationship.
When we relate to someone of the same sex, we are engaging in a "homo" relationship.
When we relate to people of both sexes, we are engaging in a "bi" relationship.
When we relate to ourselves, we are engaging in an "auto" relationship.

One can be auto-social, bi-sensual, and heterosexual, or bi-social, bi-sensual, and homo-sexual.

Homosexuality is a normal way of expressing sexuality for a minority of the population.
Homosexuality is normal, healthy and biologically based.

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PART II: – Distinguishing healthy relationships from addictive relationships – Jed Diamond

Healthy relationships are based on an I-Thou experience.

I-Thou relationships are grounded in equality and respect. The love that is expressed derives from the communion of two spirits who themselves are part of a larger Spirit named God, Goddess, The Great Mystery, Spirit-That-Moves-Through-All-Things.
I-Thou reminds us that we are not alone. I-Thou sees everything and everyone as sacred, valuable, and precious.
The "I" that becomes part of a "Thou" is forever transformed.

Addictive relationships are based on an I-It experience.

I-It relationships are based on inequality and fear. Feelings are intense but not loving.
I-It is a way to treat the natural world.

Addictive Love results from faulty love maps originating in childhood abuse.

"Love" addicts were emotionally or sexually abused as children. They want to go home, but move ever faster in the wrong direction. They continue to find partners who recreate the abusive atmosphere in which they grew up.
Some pepole want to remember and some try to forget.
Remembering what happened is the first step to healing the past and creating a healthier future. In order to survive growing up, many of us buried the painful memories. Retrieving them is a long difficult process.

To understand healthy love we must contrast it with addictive "love".

Western societies confuse healthy love with "love" addiction.
Many people find it difficult to differentiate whether they engage in healthy intimacy or addictive desire.

Distinguishing healthy love from "love" addiction

༺༻	Healthy love	Addictive love
1.	Develops after feeling secure	Attempts to show love despite feeling frightened and insecure
2.	Emerges from feeling full, overflowing with love	Always busy to fill an inner void
3.	Begins with Self love	Always seeking love "out there" from someone "special"
4.	Arrives when one foregoes to search	Is compulsively sought after
5.	Comes from inside Is willing to give	Comes from outside Wants to take
6.	Grows slowly (like a tree)	Grows fast (as if by magic)
7.	Thrives on time spent alone and time spent with our partner	Is frightened of being alone Is afraid of being close
8.	Is unique Does not seek an "ideal lover"	Is stereotyped Feels attracted to certain types
9.	Is gentle and comfortable	Is tense and combative
10.	Engages in getting to know oneself and one's lover deeply	Hides from oneself Falls in love with an ideal "image", not a person
11.	Encourages to be oneself Encourages to be authentic including one's shadow	Encourages secrets Encourages looking good and wearing attractive masks
12.	Flows out	Caves in
13.	Enhances a deepening sense of oneself while being with the partner	Results in a loss of self the longer one shares time with the partner
14.	Gets easier as time goes on	Requires more effort as time goes on
15.	Is like rowing across a gentle lake	Is like being swept away down a raging river
16.	Grows stronger as fear decreases	Expands as fear increases
17.	Is satisfied with what is there	Always looking for more or better
18.	Encourages interests to expand in the world	Encourages outside interests to contract
19.	Is based on the wish to be together	Is based on the compulsion to be together
20.	Knows and teaches that happiness comes from within oneself	Expects and demands the partner to make oneself happy
21.	Creates life	Creates melodramas

Inspired by:
► Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, excerpted and adapted
from Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

Alternative source: ► Video presentation by Jef Gazley, Internet Therapist, Love Addiction:
Is My Relationship Healthy?, YouTube film, 5:35 minutes duration, posted 20. February 2007

See also: ► Addiction

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Part III: – Groundwork for healthy relationships – Jed Diamond

In order to have a healthy relationship give up the search for happiness.
Dictionary definition of "happiness": "Happening of chance, luck, fortune."
⇒ Happiness is "out there" and thus short-lived.
The search for happiness takes one away from happiness and makes one fear life's inevitable down-turns.

Healthy relationships are based on the experience of joy.
Dictionary definition of joy: "Exultation of the spirit, gladness, delight, the beatitude of heaven or paradise."
⇒ Joy comes from within.
"Joy" is quite different than "happiness." Relationships based on joy do not depend on outside events.

Joy can be accessed by applying the four universal healing salves.

Anthropologist Angeles Arrien refers to four universal healing experiences [salves] to be practiced regularly:
• Singing • Dancing • Storytelling • Silence.

There are three levels of relationships that must be developed for us to be healthy:
Source, Self, and Someone Else.

Source is God, Goddess, The Great Mystery, Higher-Power, Spirit-That-Moves-Through-All-Things.
Self is our true being, our inner knowing, our deepest wisdom, the core of who we are.
Someone Else is the mysterious other, the lover, the sacred partner, the mate.

To develop these relationships in the wrong order, will result in heartening trouble.
Learn from Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnell.
Observe the attraction funnel as well as the funnel of sexual arousal – Kastleman Funnel
Attraction, friendship and loyalty between two potential partners are found most stable when the attraction funnel follows
a downward direction from soul to body:

***************** From soul to character *****************
*************** From character to heart ***************
*************** From heart to mind ***************
************* From mind to voice *************
*********** From voice to body ***********

The natural world offers the most direct experience of Source.

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Part IV: – Finding one's love partner – Jed Diamond

There are 5,924 perfect partners ready to meet those singles searching for a mate.
People who have an image of their ideal partner (hopes attached to their fathers, mothers, hunks or super women;
aspects which supposedly lack in oneself) filter almost all of the suitable partners out.

Girlfriends

To meet one's ideal partner first the projections on Mom and Dad are to be released.
Searching for a partner who will love them like their parents never did
Man to woman: "Will you love, protect, and care for me, like my Daddy never would?"
Woman to man: "Will you nurture, touch, and pleasure me, like my Mommy never could?"

Receive all the needed parenting from your inner guides.

Become the lover you are looking for.
When you become the lover you think you need, you won’t be so needy.

The seven dances of love

༺༻	Type·of·relationship	Legend
1st	Acquaintanceship	Recognize that each person you meet is a fellow human being, a gift from the universe, a jewel to be appreciated.
2nd	Companionship	Do what you love in the presence of other human beings. Who is there is less important than abandoning oneself to the joy of doing.
3rd	Friendship	Friendship is a process of being with another and enjoying getting closer to ourselves and the other. Being oneself and interacting with a friend are combined.
4th	Intimate friendship	Intimate friendship is shadow work revealing rage, terror, guilt, shame, the ability to appreciate, accept, nurture, and love yourself. When recognizing and exploring hidden, forbidden, and disliked traits in you in the other there are times when you are inseparable and when you don’t like your intimate friend.
5th	Sensual friendship	Sensual friendship is relearning to hold hands and rekindle the heat of touching someone, not a prelude to sex. We receive and give the pleasure of caressing hair, shoulders, legs, buttocks, knees and toes.
6th	Sexual lovers Creative lovers	Sexual/creative lovers recognize the purpose of physical lovemaking as pleasure, creation and bonding. It continually renews our commitment to life.
7th	Spiritual partners Life partners	Partners cannot commit to a lifelong spiritual partnership as long as the other stages are not completed. The goal of spiritual/life partnership is not happiness, but the spiritual development of each of the partners and the growth of the partnership itself. The spiritual presence teaches each partner to express and receive ever deeper experiences of joy and ecstasy.

Practice the seven dances of love.
Raised on a diet of "instant intimacy" the seven dances of love may seem slow, cumbersome, and old-fashioned. They work for those who are willing to practicing them.
1. Pursue each dance for it’s own value. When you’re practicing "Companionship," for instance, take the attitude that if you died tomorrow and had only learned to be an excellent companion, life would be worthwhile.
2. Enjoy each dance without planning the next. Intimate friendship and sensual friendship, for instance, are not "foreplay" for sex.
  Each is the main event.
3. Don't let someone else’s needs change the dance you are practicing. If your partner wants you to join the "Sexual/creative lovers" dance and you are practicing "Intimate friendship," stand up for your own needs.
4. Even if you are already in a relationship, it’s rewarding to start over. Take a week and practice acquaintanceship, for instance. Look at your partner through new eyes as a unique gift from God without any agenda for where the relationship might go in the future.

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Part V: – Keeping love alive – Jed Diamond

Love is too important to be taken seriously.
Humor is trump.

There are two alternating flows in healthy relationships: Bonding and Deepening.

Layers of bonding and deepening

Phase	Layer	Expression
1st	Bonding	"Excitement" and "intensity"
2nd	Deepening	"Security" and "intimacy"
3rd	Bonding	Novelty bonding anew
4th	Deepening	Calmness and gentleness

You can't keep your relationships unless you're willing to lose them.

Each time you tell the truth in the face of the fear, your relationship deepens.
Each time you hold back, trying to play it safe, your relationship suffers.

Never compromise with your partner.

Compromise is slow death to a relationship.
Compromise seems to be a way that can satisfy both partners whereas it is a way where both lose a little bit of themselves.

Always insist that your needs be met and never rest until your partner's needs are met as well.

Never force your partner to change.

Force leads to frustration, the feeling to be unaccepted and unloved.
A partner who accommodates is no longer respected.
People change naturally in response to their respective needs and internal rhythms.

Never do anything you think you should do.

Always do what you feel called (want) to do.

When you get angry at your partner do not tell them how you feel, first write a love letter.
Psychologist John Gray found that
underneath every anger is hurt,
underneath every hurt is fear,
underneath every fear is guilt,
underneath every guilt is shame,
underneath every shame is LOVE.

Gray suggests to angry partners to write an honest love letter to their significant other stepping down the above ladder to arrive at love/empathy:

Dear ____
I’m angry that you … and I need …
I’m hurt that you … and I need …
I’m afraid that you / I … and I need …
I’m feeling guilty about … and I need …
I’m feeling ashamed that I … and I need …
I love and understand you … and I need …

Love comes in three packages. Learn your partner's preferred wrapping.

Three ballet dancers

Don’t work on your relationship; nurture it.
There are three parts of a relationship that require to be continually nurtured: You, Me, and Us.

Find your soul-partner in a women's or men's group.
If you're a man and you want your relationship to be healthy, join a men's group.
If you're a woman who wants the same, join a women's group.

To increase intimacy spend time alone.
Togetherness is not intimacy. Allow sacred space for each partner in the house.
Sleep in separate beds. Knock to come in by invitation.

Don't rely on love. Schedule time together.
Set aside one night a week as "date night."

Make love when you're not in the mood and abstain from sex when you want it the most.

Talk about money or the material fights may destroy the relationship.

Inspired by:
► Scribd document by Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author,
The Lazy Person's Guide To Relationships, selfpublished spiral-bound issue, 41 pages, 1. January 1993

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Healthy love ⇔ 'Love' addiction – Jed Diamond

(↓)

Roberta Flack's song "killing me softy" conveys a chilling sense of the hidden dagger beneath "love's" cloak.

"Love addictions" are even more dangerous than "drug addictions" because they so effectively lull us into accepting a life of "non-living" in exchange for the sweet taste of sex, romance, or relationship.
Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010

Reference: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

Insights and guidelines for dealing with "love" addictions
1. "Love" addictions do exist.
2. Addictions need to be self-defined. No one has a right to call anyone else an addict.
3. "Love" addictions, like all addictions, are progressive and fatal if not treated.
4. Any "love" behavior can be addictive and none are automatically addictive.
5. Sex, love, and relationship addictions are not about sex, love, and relationships.
6. It is important to "name" our addictions and name them correctly.
7. Anyone can recover from "love" addictions.

Sources featuring Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author
► Document Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010
Excerpted and adapted from:
► Book Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

Emotions (addictive "love") versus Beliefs

Emergency emotion	Negative belief
Shame	I am damaged and therefore bad inside.
Apathy expressed as distrust	I can't rely on people to meet my needs.
Grief expressed as depression Greed expressed as excitement	I need MORE "love." Too much is never enough.
Fear	To know me is to abuse or abandon me.

Inspired by: Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author
► Sex Addiction. Seven Surprising Secrets, posted 7. December 2010
► Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

Distinguishing healthy love from "love" addiction

༺༻	Healthy love	Addictive "love"
1.	Develops after feeling secure	Attempts to show love despite feeling frightened and insecure
2.	Emerges from feeling full, overflowing with love	Always busy to fill an inner void
3.	Begins with Self love	Always seeking love "out there" from someone "special"
4.	Arrives when one foregoes to search	Is compulsively sought after
5.	Comes from inside Is willing to give	Comes from outside Wants to take
6.	Grows slowly (like a tree)	Grows fast (as if by magic)
7.	Thrives on time spent alone and time spent with one's partner	Is frightened of being alone Is afraid of being close
8.	Is unique Does not seek an "ideal lover"	Is stereotyped Feels attracted to certain types
9.	Is gentle and comfortable	Is tense and combative
10.	Engages in getting to know oneself and one's lover deeply	Hides from oneself Falls in love with an ideal "image", not a person
11.	Encourages to be oneself Encourages to be authentic including one's shadow	Encourages secrets Encourages looking good and wearing attractive masks
12.	Flows out	Caves in
13.	Enhances a deepening sense of oneself while being with the partner	Results in a loss of self the longer one shares time with the partner
14.	Gets easier as time goes on	Requires more effort as time goes on
15.	Is like rowing across a gentle lake	Is like being swept away down a raging river
16.	Grows stronger as fear decreases	Expands as fear increases
17.	Is satisfied with what is there	Always looking for more or better
18.	Encourages interests to expand in the world	Encourages outside interests to contract
19.	Is based on the wish to be together	Is based on the compulsion to be together
20.	Knows and teaches that happiness comes from within oneself	Expects and demands the partner to make oneself happy
21.	Creates life	Creates melodramas

Inspired by:
► Article by Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, excerpted and adapted from
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989

Further video reference: ► Video presentation by Jef Gazley, M.S., US American Internet therapist,
Love Addiction: Is My Relationship Healthy?, YouTube film, 5:35 minutes duration, posted 20. February 2007

See also:
► Deleted article Being valued feeds the soul, presented by The Powerful Mind, undated
1. Infatuation is based on an illusion, but true love is based in reality.
2. Infatuation is an emotional rollercoaster, whereas true love is steadier.
3. Love involves deep but considered commitment, whereas infatuation promotes reckless sacrifice.
4. Infatuation is often accompanied by jealousy, whereas love entails trust.
5. Infatuation is based in the present, whereas love is a deep feeling that grows with time.
6. When you are infatuated, you may believe someone is in some way better than you.
7. Infatuation gets in the way of everyday life, whereas love helps you become the best version of yourself.

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Gender differences research

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Hardly known empirical data about gender differences – Jed Diamond

Eight influential factors in sex and gender differences

༺༻	Fact and factor	Legend
1.	The market place is an inappropriate sex educator.	Cultural myths around sex are misleading. There are "boy" things and "girl" things. Despite all political correctness humans are not unisex beings.
2.	Biological reasons for the ingrown insecurity of men.	The human DNA is arranged into 46 chromosomes, each grouped into 23 pairs. 22 pairs are essentially identical, one strand deriving from the mother, the other from the father. The 23rd pair determines the sex: females have two like "X" chromosomes, males two very dissimilar chromosomes, one "X" and one "Y". Y is very short compared to the X. As a result males suffer more genetic problems than females (color blindness and muscular dystrophy). All life long they are more fragile and vulnerable than females.
3.	Ample sperm produced by males, only 400 eggs produced by females.	Biological perspective: sperm and men are always competing *[]** , always eager about being top dog or the best on the block, and status oriented. Eggs and women are always the center of attention, being pursued, and doubting if she chose the "right" one.
4.	Males are roving inseminators. Females are wily choosers.	Sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself. Numerous males are "roving inseminators". Like small, hyperactive sperm, they compete among themselves for access to females. *[]** Analogous thesis of Robert Trivers, US American evolutionary biologist, Harvard University
5.	Males are drawn to multiple partners, women prefer one at a time.	Mind the Coolidge Effect.
6.	When men have sex, they feel more intimate. When women feel intimate, they are more desirous of sex.	Women are choosier about whom to mate with and the circumstances as they are at greater biological risk when having sex are. Men, particularly young men, are eager to have sex any time, any place, and sometimes with anyone available. Gay men have many more sexual partners than lesbian women.
7.	The influence of the hormone of desire testosterone on men and women.	In puberty testosterone levels in teenage boys rise 400-1000%. They become walking grenades, waiting to go off. Comparatively, the testosterone levels of same age women are 10%.
8.	Emotional attachment and commitment is the key to a good sex life and lasting love.	Accessibility: Are you reachable? Responsiveness: Are you reliable to respond to me emotionally? Engagement: Will you value me and stay close?

Source:
► Essay by Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author,
Red Hot Sex: 8 Little Known Secrets For A Lifetime of Passion and Love, undated

Reference:
► [*] Article Sperm mystery solved. Scientists identify the channel by which progesterone activates sperm to swim toward an egg,
presented by The Scientist, Megan Scudellari, 16. March 2011

Book recommendations featuring Dr. Sue Johnson (*1947) British research professor of clinical psychology, Alliant International University, San Diego, California, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, author
► Hold Me Tight. Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Little, Brown and Company, 1st edition 8. April 2008
► Hold Me Tight. Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships, Piatkus, paperback, 3. February 2011
Stage 1: De-escalation of the couple's negative cycle
Stage 2: Re-structuring the couple's emotional bond
Stage 3: Consolidation

[Edit]

Empirical data on gender-specific brain differences – Louann Brizendine

Research results as in Brizendine's books: 1) The Female Brain, 2007
Based on 1008 compiled studies after 20 years of experience the book is challenging the standard sociological model.
Differences between men and women are biologically based and not social constructs.
2) The Male Brain. A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think, 2010

Facts and empirical findings on gender-specifically formed brains

Item	Domain	Facts and empirical findings
1.	Biology	At birth girls arrive already wired as girls, and boys arrive already wired as boys. There is no unisex brain. Nature's default pattern is female until eight weeks of gestation when the tiny testicles start to produce huge amounts of testosterone.
2.	Nature ⇔ Nurture 50% Hormones/genes ⇔ 50% environmental influencing	Male and female brain chemistry differs whereas men and women are more alike than they are different. Cultural gender expectations are profound. Nurture gets built into the brain circuits. The nature ⇔ nurture debate is obsolete. Gender roles can be retrained (by a changed environment).⁴
3.	Communication	Men use about seven thousand words per day. Women use about twenty-thousand words per day. Women have 400% more neurons then men in the brain centers for language and hearing. "Typical men speak fewer words and have less verbal fluency than women, so they may be handicapped in angry exchanges with women."⁵
4.	Aggression	Men are on average twenty times more physically aggressive than women. Men have larger brain areas for physical action and aggression. Testosterone levels of teenage boys rise 25 times higher than in boyhood. "Women feel the same amount of anger as men. They tend to express it via psychological channels."
5.	Conflict solving	Girls are motivated – on a molecular and neurological level – to ease and prevent social conflict.
6.	Sex	85% of twenty- to thirty-year-old males think about sex every fifty-two seconds and women think about it once a day – up to three or four times on fertile days. Men have 2.5 times more brain space devoted to sex. Men have 3 times more interest in sex than women. "The female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off."
7.	Dominance ⇔ submission	"It may indeed be that about 10-20% of straight men have their female-type brain circuits turned on and actually have a psychological preference for dominant women [10%]." "For the typical adult female" [90%], "the psychological preference is for dominant men."⁶
8.	Hormonal mood changes	After puberty anxiety disorders are 4:1 more common in adult women than adult men. The ratio of depression is 2:1. After female menopause the depression ratio drops to 1.3:1. Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs.
9.	Quitting	65% of divorces after the age of fifty are initiated by [menopausal] women.
10.	Social skills	Little girls share toys 10-20 times more than little boys. Brain and language development is somewhat delayed with little boys and young male adults.
11.	Sensitivity skills	Men pick up the subtle signs of sadness in a female face only 40% of the time, whereas women can pick up these signs 90% of the time.
12.	Competition	"Recent research has documented strong differences between men and women as far as the willingness to compete and the performance in competitive situations is concerned. Many studies have shown that" "men often react more strongly to competitive pressure than women", "and that women are more likely to shy away from competition, even when they are equally qualified."⁷

Source: ► Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology,
UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author,
The Female Brain, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007

Further references:
► Interview with Sandra Witelson It's Partly in Your Head. On how male and female brains differ, presented by the international daily
newspaper The Wall Street Journal, 11. April 2011
► Video presentation Men vs. Women. The Differences?, presented by Philly Films, narrated by Tim Kelly, YouTube film, 7:46 minutes
duration, posted 20. November 2008
► Video interviews with little children, Children on Gender Roles, YouTube film, 4:27 minutes duration, posted 29. January 2016

See also: ► Gender research and ► Facts on male and female brains

In writing this book I have struggled with two voices in my head – one is the scientific truth, the other is political correct-
ness. I have chosen to emphasize scientific truth over political correctness even though scientific truths may
not always be welcome. [P]retending that women and men are the same, while doing a disservice to both men
and women, ultimately hurts women. Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Female Brain,
S. 161, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007

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Relationship data and concerns

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Behaviors of long-term successful relationship partners

Traits of relationship keepers

༺༻	Trait	Legend
1.	Trait One	Keepers are self-accountable.
2.	Trait Two	Keepers can hold on to their own personal rhythms under stress.
3.	Trait Three	Keepers don’t patronize. They find a way to stay interested or they graciously bow out.
4.	Trait Four	Keepers see humor as a sacred part of relationships.
5.	Trait Five	Keepers know how to stay even.
6.	Trait Six	Keepers do not allow guilt to influence their decisions.
7.	Trait Seven	Keepers store the "good times".
8.	Trait Eight	Keepers are authentic.
9.	Trait Nine	Keepers understand and accept their value in the marketplace.
10.	Trait Ten	Keepers look for the value in others.
11.	Trait Eleven	Keepers avoid useless energy drains.
12.	Trait Twelve	Keepers know how to self-soothe.
13.	Trait Thirteen	Keepers seek continuous transformation.
14.	Trait Fourteen	Keepers take good care of themselves.
15.	Trait Fifteen	Keepers treasure the present moment.⁸

Source: ► Article by Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, author, Who Are The "Keepers"? The Behaviors of
Long-Term Successful Relationship Partners, presented by the US American bimonthly magazine Psychology Today, 28. August 2011

Six categories of hostile remarks damaging relationships

༺༻	Hostility category
1.	Character assassination
2.	Threat of abandonment
3.	Threat of exile
4.	Invalidation
5.	Challenge
6.	Preaching

Sources featuring Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, author of Rediscovering Love
► Article: Hostile Venting – Mean Phrases that Scar Intimate Relationships. How Negative Words can Destroy Love,
presented by the US American bimonthly magazine Psychology Today, published 31. July 2011
► Video interviews:
Relationship Saboteurs, part I, YouTube film, 8:53 minutes duration, posted 3. September 2010
Relationship Saboteurs, part II, YouTube film, 9:56 minutes duration, posted 3. September 2010

See also: ► Gender research

One of the great sweetnesses of life is to be deeply known and still beloved.
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor

Intimacy has many components, but the most important is a sense of treasured belonging. Given that acceptance and inclusion, the partners in a committed relationship can create a space of security and continued connection. New lovers continually rediscover each other through self-revelation and
mutual vulnerability. No request is beyond reach, no sacrifice too difficult.
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., US American marriage counsellor, deleted article Philosophy, undated

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Four essential stages of a dating relationship

Stages of coming closer in a relationship

Stage	Focus		Legend
1.	Attraction	Soul, character, heart, mind, voice, body	Feeling drawn to someone (across the room, a photo) as if something is pushing oneself toward them.
2.	Verbal exploration		Beginning to explore each other verbally (not physically). Having conversations to find out the basics (who, where, what) about each other.

3.	Emotional intimacy		Beginning to establish a solid emotional bond and building trust by telling each other things you hesitate to share in general.
4.	Physical intimacy		A sexual relationship is the consummation of the first three stages.

Inspired by: ► Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (*1966) US American Orthodox rabbi, marriage counsellor, radio and television
host, author, Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments, Harmony, 1st edition 16. January 2001

See also: ► Relational levels and ► Friendship and ► Relationship

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Dangerous relationships

Dysfunctional relationships between men and women

༺༻	Man type	Legend Men opting for dangerous relationships	Woman·type	Legend Conspiring women – man's downfall
1.	Naïve man	Puer Aeternus (eternal boy) Peter Pan syndrome	Damsel in distress	Looking for the White Knight to rescue her
2.	Adrenaline driven man	Classic Type-A personality	Drama queen	Seeking to be the center of attention, excessive emotionality
3.	Man in mid-life	Losing the 'somebody' status, fear of 'nobody' status, prone to anxiety, depression, addictions	Seductress	Emotionally manipulative
4.	Man filled with longing	Phantasizing romance, passion, and youth	Desperate woman	Pregnancy cheater
5.	Narcissist⁹	75% of all narcissists are male, chauvinistic and conservative. Fairly benign, love-avoidant, pathologically malignant, overly controlling, deceitful, manipulative, threatening, psychopathically dangerous need to being mirrored as special	Borderliner woman	Emotionally unstable, rapidly shifting, attention seeking, manipulative, self-destructive, angry, hostile, violent, fear of abandonment, longing for connection
NOTE: A needy and narcissist man is prone to the allure of a borderline personality disorder suffered by femmes fatale
6.	Man who would be king	Ultimate "success object", perpetually dissatisfied	Power seeker	Social climber, out for "somebodies"
7.	Sexually addicted man	~8% of the male US Americans	Nymphomaniac	~3% of the female US Americans are nymphomaniacs, 78% of whom were sexually abused in childhood.

The life of a good man is a continual warfare with his passions. Samuel Richardson (1689-1761) British novelist, Delphi Complete Works of Samuel Richardson, pt 4436, Delphi Classics, 1st Kindle ebook edition 6. October 2014

Tips to avoid "dangerous" relationships

༺༻	Healthy behavior
1.	Know thyself.
2.	Recognize red flags.
3.	Put the brakes on.
4.	Only stay if you bring out the best in each other.
5.	Don't keep the relationship a secret.
6.	Seek out a mentor.
7.	Handle the problems at home.
8.	Think it through.
9.	Deal with aging.
10.	Work on your Integrity and character.
11.	Focus on future, positive goals.
12.	Make a course correction.¹⁰

Source: ► Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT, US American psychotherapist, marriage and family consultant, educator, founder and director of Men's Center of Los Angeles, Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships, 17. July 2013
See also: ► Sex addicted US American presidents

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Mature undivided love ⇔ immature divided romance

Indiviual means undivided.

That's the meaning of the word. When a person gets to a place of fulfillment [influence, leadership] they are supposed to be undivided. 'The undivided person will act in the interest of the community unity rather than the interest of dividing
into factions. So one way to critique the people on top – if they have the opportunity to use power and they are not using
it to create unity and benefit for other – [is to say that] they are not truly an individual [as] they are still divided and they
are acting out that inner division.

Source: ► Audio radio interview with Michael Meade Mosaicvoices.org US American storyteller, scholar of mythology, psychology, anthropology, ritualist, spokesman in the men's movement, author, The Pathless Path, presented by the US American web radio
station KBOO, Portland, program Radiozine, host Ralph Coulson, minute 14:39, 29:24 minutes duration, aired 13. May 2013

Immature love	Mature love
Infantile love follows the principle: "I love because I am loved."	Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love."
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."	Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

Source: ► Erich Fromm (1900-1980) German US American social psychologist, psychoanalyst,
humanistic philosopher, author, The Art of Loving, Harper & Brothers, 1956

Romance	Love
Romance can be defined as [two] fractional people who are looking for the rest of themselves. The gender roles make us into fractional people instead of whole people. It's very intense because you're looking for the rest of yourself in someone else. But it's doomed because nobody can be you.	Love is two whole people.
Romance is wanting the other person. It's about possession.	Love is wanting what's best for the other person.

Source: ► Vimeo video presentation by Gloria Steinem gloriasteinem.com (*1934) leading US American feminist of the new women's movement, visionary and political activist, founder and editor of the feminist magazine Ms., journalist, writer, Perspectives on Equality
and Community – Common Hour, sponsored by the Franklin & Marshall College, Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
9. September 2010, minute 33:00, 53:54 minutes duration, posted 10. September 2010

Romance	Love
There is a difference between romance and love.
Romance might die, while true love does not. Love is easy when romance still lights everything in shades of pink, when the experience of a relationship is like the canvas of a sweet Impressionistic painting.	Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it. Once the reality of our wounding reveals the darkness still lurking in all of us, romance might die, while true love does not.

Source: ► Marianne Williamson (*1952) US American spiritual teacher, political activist, visionary, lecturer, author,
Illuminata. A Return to Prayer, Riverhead Trade, 1. November 1995

Selfishness	Love
Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?"	while Love asks, "What can I give?"

Source: ► Seth Adam Smith, US American editor-in-chief, Marriage Isn't For You, presented by Forward Walking, 2. November 2013

See also: ► Beziehung and ► Reife

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Taking up slow love – ending toxic low criteria relationships

Moving over to slow love mode

༺༻	On the path of slow love
1.	Purge low nutritional relationships.
2.	Delay the onset of sex with a new partner.	Minimum 30 days delay of engaging with in a new relationships.
3.	Ask for sexual exclusivity.
4.	Use the "F" word: Feelings.
5.	Practice intellectual commitment.

Sources featuring Wendy Walsh, Ph.D. (*1962) Canadian-American adjunct assistant professor of clinical psychology, California State University, Channel Islands, psychotherapist, actress, television commentator, journalist, author
► The 30-Day Love Detox. Cleanse Yourself of Bad Boys, Cheaters, and Men Who Won't Commit – And Find A Real Relationship,
Rodale Books, 23. April 2013
► Video presentation The 30-day Love Detox, sponsored by the platform Authors@Google, Los Angeles, California, 10. September 2013,
YouTube film, minute 0:36:44, 1:00:09 duration, posted 12. September 2013

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Men shamed by women ♦ women frightened by men

Predicament of shamed men and scared women

Men frightening their female partners	Women shaming their male partners
Men's size	Mother's size and women's power
Male voice	Women's siren call to return to the womb
Male anger	Women's cutting words
Men's emotional withdrawal	Women's emotional demands

Source: ► Deleted blog article by Dave Pamah, Why Men Frighten Women, And Women Shame Men, 31. August 2013

See also: ► Shame and ► Fear and ► Pride

Biological reason why men are prone to be shamed
"Although the human egg is microscopic, it is large enough to house 250,000 sperm. Eggs weigh 85,000 times as much as sperm. Think how you'd feel if you had to merge with someone who was 85,000 times heavier than you? Now, think of the competition involved in mating. There are fifty million to five hundred million sperm per ejaculation." Dave Pamah

"Men's basic need is for respect, just as women's basic need is to be cherished.
He needs to feel like a winner, that he can beat the competition and be the chosen one." Dave Pamah

2003 study on shame and pride based gender norms

Shame is a major building block of traditional gender roles.

Norm	Attitude	Normed behaviors confirmed by men and women
Male role norms Conformity to Adolescent Masculine Norms Inventory (CMNI)	PRIDE Shadow shame	⚑ Have power over women! ⚑ Apply violence! ⚑ Disdain homosexuals! ⚑ Behave as playboy!	⚑ Win! ⚑ Apply emotional control! ⚑ Take risks! ⚑ Be self-reliant!	⚑ Adopt the primacy of work! ⚑ Pursue status! ⚑ Strive for dominance! ⚑ Show no empathy!
Female role norms Conformity to Femininity Norms Inventory (CFNI)	SHAME Humiliation	⚑ Be nice in relationships! ⚑ Be thin! ⚑ Be modest!	⚑ Be domestic! ⚑ Keep to sexual fidelity! ⚑ Care for the children!	⚑ Strive for romantic relationships! ⚑ Use all resources for appearance! ⚑ Show no empathy!

Source: ► Study by James R. Mahalik, Ph.D., US American professor of counseling, developmental and educational psychology,
Boston College, Boston, presented in Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol 4(1), pp. 3-25, January 2003

Critical assessment: ► Article Misandry in Psychological Research, presented by the publication A Voice For Men, 18. June 2013

See also: ► Shame and ► Pride and ► Gender norms within male dominated systems

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Insights derived from 50 years of observing men

What men truly want women to know

༺༻	Status: men to men – men to women
1.	Men are more alike women than different.
2.	Men want women to understand and respect the gender differences.
3.	Men need to be intimate with other men.
4.	Men hunger for women, and are also afraid of them.
5.	Men are becoming increasingly depressed and suicidal.
6.	Men want an equal partnership [with women] based on love, mutual support, and acceptance.¹¹

Source: ► Article What Every Woman Needs to Know About Men, presented by the US American men's initiative The Good Men Project,
Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, 14. January 2017

[Edit]

Women's concerns

[Edit]

Ten core values for evolving women

Core virtuous behaviors embodied by maturing women

Dedicated to the creative potential of the relationship of maturing men and women
Elizabeth Debold suggests women to embody the following core values:

༺༻	Mature·behavior	Legend
1.	Holding an evolutionary perspective	Consciously evolving woman acknowledges her biological, psychological, and social condi- tioning and draws on her true self devoted to the process of human evolution.
2.	Trusting in life	Witnessing woman keeps releasing control urges. She incorporates to the best of her abilities spirit, undefended innocence, dignity.
3.	Taking responsibility for evolution	Woman is aware of interconnectedness and cares to evolve in consciousness.
4.	Realizing unity with other women	Consciously evolving woman is trustingly, transparently, and passionately bonding with her sisters, taking responsibility of her programmed urge to compete with others and outshining it.
5.	Being emotionally rational	Conscious woman is aware of her survival impulses, developing emotional maturity by is releasing culturally programmed fears and desires.
6.	Standing autonomously and not wavering	Consciously evolving woman abstains from manipulative games and is cultivating simple, gentle-straight radical sovereignty in her relationships.
7.	Relinquishing sexual power	Conscious woman refrains from seduction to win over. Her sexual relationships become profoundly intimate and straightforward.
8.	Leading by example	Willing to pioneer leadership conscious woman remains vulnerable and authentic, following her inner guidance transparently and humbly.
9.	Being trustworthy	Woman devoted to a higher purpose remains honest and authentic when challenged.
10.	Rejecting victimhood	Responsible woman is not a victim. She cocreated history with men.

Inspired by: ► Article The Integral Relationship, presented by the dissolved US American magazine WIE? / EnlightenNext,
Elizabeth Debold, US American gender researcher, senior teacher of evolutionary enlightenment,
cultural commentator, senior editor of the dissolved magazine WIE / EnlightenNext (2002-2011), author, 2010

See also: ► Women and ► Women and ► Relationship levels and ► Dignity and ► Evolution and ► True Self and ► Trust
► Interconnectedness and ► Leadership and ► Transparency and ► Humility and ► Authenticity and ► Victimhood

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Ten reasons why deep women intimidate men and often remain single

Characteristics of deep women

Most men can't handle the intellect, complexity, and depth in a woman.

༺༻	Priorities of deep women
1.	A deep woman asks too many deep questions.
2.	A deep woman is honest.
3.	A deep woman knows what she wants by means of intuition.
4.	A deep woman wants a deep relationship.
5.	A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy.
6.	A deep woman sees through prospective partners.
7.	A deep woman craves consistency.
8.	A deep woman is intense.
9.	A deep woman only knows how to love deeply.
10.	A deep woman won't wait for bygone prospective partners.

Reasons why strong women remain single

༺༻	Features of strong women
1.	Strong women are intimidating to most people.
2.	Strong women play by their own rules.
3.	Strong women stay away from mediocrity.
4.	Strong women don’t entertain pretentious and fake people.
5.	Strong women don’t require validation to feel secure.
6.	Strong women are compassionate humans even if some fail to see it.
7.	Strong women follow their heart.
8.	Strong women don't settle.
9.	Strong women set boundaries.

Most men feel intimidated by women. Hence, they tend to avoid them.

༺༻	Features of strong women
1.	A strong woman is her own superhero.
2.	A strong woman knows what she wants in life.
3.	A strong woman cherishes honesty and vulnerability.
4.	A strong woman is comfortable with intimacy.
5.	A strong woman can read people well.
6.	A strong woman respects others and gets respect.
7.	A strong woman is intense.
8.	A strong woman knows her dignity and worth.
9.	A strong woman engages with her all.
10.	A strong woman encourage others to be their best selves.

References:
► Blog article 10 Reasons Most Men Can't Handle a Deep Woman, presented by Hack Spirit, 21. August 2017
► Blog article Here are 10 signs you're a strong woman that intimidates most men, presented by Hack Spirit, 7. November 2017
► Deleted blog article 8 Reasons Why Strong Women Find Themselves Alone Rather Than In Love, presented by the publication
McGill Media, Rhiana George, 2. December 2018

See also: ► Too hard to control – Wangari Maathai

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[Edit]

Links zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Relationship advice

[Edit]

Literatur

Robin Norwood (*1945) US-amerikanische Familien-, Ehe- und Kindertherapeutin, Erfolgsautorin zum Thema romantische Suchtbeziehungen, Wenn Frauen zu sehr lieben. Die heimliche Sucht, gebraucht zu werden, Rowohlt, Reinbek bei Hamburg, 1986, Neuauflage 2. September 1991
John Gray (*1951) US-amerikanischer Paar- und Familientherapeut, Erfolgsautor, Männer sind anders. Frauen auch,
Gender-Klassiker, Goldmann Verlag, 1. Mai 1993
Dr. Helen Fisher] (*1945) kanadisch-US-amerikanische Professorin für biologische Anthropologie, Ethnologin, Liebesverhaltens-
forscherin, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, [[wp:Rutgers_University|Rutgers University, wissenschaftliche Beraterin
von Chemistry.com, Autorin, Das starke Geschlecht. Wie das weibliche Denken die Zukunft verändern wird, Heyne, 2000
Allan und Barbara Pease, australisches Erfolgsautorenpaar, Warum Männer nicht zuhören und Frauen schlecht einparken. Ganz natürliche Erklärungen für eigentlich unerklärliche Schwächen, Ullstein Verlag, Juli 2000, 15. Auflage 2002
Dr. Helen Fisher (*1945) kanadisch-US-amerikanische Professorin für biologische Anthropologie, Ethnologin, Liebesverhal-
tensforscherin, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, wissenschaftliche Beraterin von Chemistry.com, Autorin, Warum wir lieben. Die Chemie der Leidenschaft, Patmos, Erstauflage 2005
Dr. Louann Brizendine (*1952) US-amerikanische Neuropsychiaterin, Professorin für Neurobiologie, UCB, Referentin, po-
pulärwissenschaftliche Erfolgsautorin, Das weibliche Gehirn. Warum Frauen anders sind als Männer, Goldmann Verlag,
10. November 2008
Dr. David Richo (*1940) US-amerikanischer Psychotherapeut, Lehrer, Seminarleiter, Autor, Reif werden füreinander. Wie
man in Beziehungen erwachsen wird – Die fünf Dimensionen authentischer Liebe, Windpferd, 1. Auflage 1. Februar 2009
Dr. Louann Brizendine (*1952) US-amerikanische Neuropsychiaterin, Professorin für Neurobiologie, UCB, Referentin, po-
pulärwissenschaftliche Erfolgsautorin, Das männliche Gehirn. Warum Männer anders sind als Frauen, Hoffmann und
Campe Verlag, 14. Mai 2010
Dr. Randi Gunther, US-amerikanische Eheberaterin, Autorin, Beziehungssaboteure. Verhaltensweisen erkennen und be-
wältigen, die die Liebe zerstören, Junfermann, 1. Auflage 24. Juli 2012

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Literature (engl.)

Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (*1943) US American psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor, author, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Avon Books, August 1989
Robin Norwood (*1945) US American family, marriage and child therapist specializing in chemical dependency and romantic addiction, author, Women Who Love Too Much, 1985, Arrow, 15. January 1991, Gallery, reprint 8. April 2008
John Gray (*1951) US American relationship counselor, lecturer, author, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. A
Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships, 1. April 1992, Harper Collins,
1st edition 23. April 1993
Helen Fisher, Ph.D. (*1945) Canadian-American research professor of biological anthropology and human behavior, Center for Human Evolutionary Studies, Rutgers University, expert on romantic interpersonal attraction, chief scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, author, The First Sex. The Natural Talents of Women and How They are Changing the World, Random House, New York City, Ballantine Books, 1st edition 1. February 2000
Allan and Barbara Pease, Australian authors, speakers, Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps, Orion, London,
1. March 2001
David Richo, Ph.D., M.F.T. (*1940) US American psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, writer, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, Shambhala, 1st edition 18. June 2002
John Welwood, Ph.D. (1943-2019) US American clinical and transpersonal psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, author, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. Healing the Wound of the Heart, Trumpeter, annotated edited edition 27. March 2007
Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of
the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Female Brain, Broadway, 1st reprint edition
7. August 2007

Based on 1008 compiled studies and 20 years of experience

Dr. Sue Johnson (*1947) British research professor of clinical psychology, Alliant International University, San Diego, California, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, author, Hold Me Tight. Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Little, Brown and Company, 1st edition 8. April 2008
- Hold Me Tight. Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships, Piatkus, paperback,
  3. February 2011

Stage 1: De-escalation of the couple's negative cycle ❄ Stage 2: Re-structuring the couple's emotional bond ❄ Stage 3: Consolidation

Daniel G. Amen M.D., US American neuropsychiatrist, The Brain in Love. 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life, Scribd excerpt Three Rivers Press, reprint edition 14. July 2009
Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of
the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Male Brain. A Breakthrough Understanding
of How Men and Boys Think, Broadway, 1st edition 23. March 2010
Martin Ucik, German general manager, entrepreneur, integral relationship evolutionary, Integral Relationships. A Manual for Men, singles2couples.org Publishing, 1st edition 30. July 2010

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[Edit]

Externe Weblinks

Wikipedia-Einträge Koabhängigkeit

Article 10 Instant Turn Offs About Men That Women Absolutely Hate [Zehn Dinge, die Frauen an Männer partout nicht leiden können], presented by the online publication Thought Catalog, Denise Ngo, 5. March 2015

Die zehn größten Alarmzeichen, die Frauen bei Männern, die sie gerade erst kennenlernen, als unannehmbare Eigenschaften betrachten –
Ergebnis der "Power of Attraction" Umfrage an 20.000 Befragten im Jahr 2015
1. Narzissmus / Mangelnde Empathie
2. Rassismus oder Vorurteile (im Sprachgebrauch)
3. Unreife / kindisches Verhalten
4. Mangelde Intelligenz
5. Langweiligkeit / Mangelnde Abenteuerlust
6. Fehlende Chemie
7. Keine sexuelle Anziehung
8. Geringes Engagement / Antriebsmangel
9. Extreme religiöse Ansichten
10. Unzuträgliches Aussehen / mangelnde persönliche Hygiene

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[Edit]

Weblinks zum Thema Beziehungstipps – Quora

Beiträge verfasst von Elfriede Ammann, präsentiert auf der kalifornischen Frage-und-Antwort Webseite Quora DE

Beitrag Was ist wichtiger in einer dauerhaften Beziehung: Tiefsinnige Gespräche oder Alltagskompatibilität?, 517 Aufrufe ·
4 Likes, 13. November 2018
Beitrag Was ist das Wichtigste in einer Beziehung?, 566 Aufrufe · 2 Likes, 19. März 2019
Beitrag Kann man den Begriff Wegwerfgesellschaft auch auf Beziehungen ausweiten?, 65 Aufrufe · 1 Like, 3. April 2019
Beitrag Kann es überhaupt eine Lösung für den seit Jahrtausenden andauernden gesellschaftlichen Konflikt zwischen Männern und Frauen geben? Wie sähe diese Lösung konkret aus?, 455 Aufrufe, 13. April 2019
Beitrag Welche Beziehungstipps haben Dir am meisten geholfen?, 2,7 Aufrufe · 9 Likes, 30. August 2019

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[Edit]

External web links (engl.)

Wikipedia entries Codependency

Article 10 Instant Turn Offs About Men That Women Absolutely Hate, presented by the online publication Thought Catalog, Denise Ngo, 5. March 2015

The 2015 "Power of Attraction" survey on 20,000 participants unveiled ten top qualities women dislike in a man.
1. Narcissism / lack of empathy
2. Racist or prejudiced speech
3. Immaturity / childishness
4. Lack of intelligence 
5. Boredom or lack of adventure
6. Lack of spark 
7. Lack of sexual chemistry
8. Lack of drive and ambition
9. Extreme views on religion
10. Bad personal style (hair, clothes, etc.)

Article Intimate Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible, presented by the Buddhist magazine Lion's Roar, John Welwood, Ph.D. (1943-2019) US American clinical and transpersonal psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, author, 10. August 2017
Article 7 Common Phrases That Accidentally Undermine and Insult Your Spouse, presented by the publication Fatherly, Jeremy Brown, 27. February 2019

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"It’s not worth getting upset about."
"It's not about you."
"You're being crazy."
"Think of all the good things in your life."
"I thought this was a strength of yours."
"Calm Down."

Article A simple guide to improving your relationship, presented by the international fashion and entertainment magazine Cosmo-
politan, Sophie Victoria Brown, 5. December 2019

Linkless article

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[Edit]

Audio- und Videolinks

Videoerzählung Sir Gawan und Lady Ragnell – Eine Geschichte der Tafelrunde, präsentiert von Oles Märchenkoffer, Erzähler Ole, YouTube Film, 21:23 Minuten Dauer, eingestellt 19. Juni 2016

Entnommen aus: Heinrich Dickerhoff (*1953) deutscher Theologe, Pädagoge, Märchenerzähler, Herausgeber, Autor, Keltische Märchen.
Zum Erzählen und Vorlesen, Königsfurt Urania, 12. März 2012

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[Edit]

Audio and video links (engl.)

Audio interview with Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, Dissecting 'The Male Brain' , presented by the US American web radio station Brainstormin, host Bill Frank, 18:32 minutes duration, aired 3. February 2011
Video presentation by Glenn D. Wilson, Ph.D. (*1942) New Zealand professor of evolutionary psychology, expert on attitude
and personality measurement, sexual attraction, deviation and dysfunction, partner compatibility, Lovesickness, sponsored by Gresham College, Museum of London, 3. May 2011, Transcript provided by gresham.ac.uk, YouTube film, 46:18 minutes duration, posted 27. August 2011
Video presentation by Janet McGeever, Australian educator, leader of workshops for couples, counsellor, speaker, It's called Making Love isn't it?, presented by TEDxNoosa 2013, 10:27 minutes duration, recorded 2013, posted 6. May 2013
Video presentation by Mark Gungor (*1954) US American pastor, comedian, marriage counselor, international speaker, pro-
duced by Laugh Your Way America, YouTube film, posted 10. December 2013
- Mark Gungor – Yo Mama Session, part 1 of 2, 39:18 minutes duration

Keys for lasting attraction/bondedness between husband and wife:
1. Exclusivity
2. Privacy
3. Time
4. Foreplay
5. Romance

Mark Gungor – Yo Mama Session, part 2 of 2, 35:45 minutes duration

Repeated pornography exposure diminishes men and destroys love. It robs men and women from fulfilling sex exchange. Debunking Kinsey's fraudulent and toxic assertions on human sexuality

Audio podcast by Tracy Crossley, US American intuitive, podcaster, Journey of Attachment: How We Turn Our Partner Into the Enemy, presented by Simply Abundant Intuitive, Soundcloud audio, 31:06 minutes duration, aired 1. August 2017

Linkless media offering

Video presentation by Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Teen Girl Brain: Insights
Into What Makes Us Women, sponsored by UCSF Langley Porter Psychiatric Institute, Center for Gender Equity and National Center of Excellence in Women's Health, Series "Women's Health Today", Professional Medical Education Show ID: 11112, YouTube film, 58:09 minutes duration, posted by UCtelevision 7. February 2008

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[Edit]

Interne Links

Englisch Wiki

Hawkins

¹ Summary of Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy:
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped. ⇑

² Patricia Love, Ed.D., Steven Stosny, Ph.D., How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Harmony, reprint edition 29. April 2008 ⇑

³ Pyramid of needs – Abraham Maslow ⇑

⁴ Audio interview with Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, Dissecting 'The Male Brain' , presented by the US American web radio station "Brainstormin", host Bill Frank, 18:32 minutes duration, aired 3. February 2011 ⇑

⁵ Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D. (*1952) US American neuropsychiatrist, professor of neurobiology, UC Berkeley, founder of the first US clinic to study and treat women's brain functions, lecturer, author, The Female Brain, S. 131, Broadway, 1st reprint edition 7. August 2007 ⇑

⁶ Louann Brizendine, M.D., Ph.D., Ning blog, 15. April 2011 ⇑

⁷ Study Gender Differences in Competition Emerge Early in Life, PDF, presented by the Institute for the Study of Labor, June 2010 ⇑

⁸ Verhalten von langfristig erfolgreichen Beziehungspartnern
Eigenschaften von Beziehungspflegern
Die Hüter der Beziehung
* sind eigenverantwortlich und rechenschaftspflichtig.
* können auch unter Stress ihren persönlichen Lebensrhythmus beibehalten.
* bevormunden nicht. Sie finden einen Weg, interessiert zu bleiben. Andernfalls ziehen sie sich anmutig zurück.
* wissen, wie man Humor als wertvollen Teil von Beziehungen einsetzt.
* wissen, wie sie ihren Gleichmut [Ausgeglichenheit] bewahren.
* erlauben es nicht, dass ihre Entscheidungen von Schuldgefühlen beeinflusst werden.
* bewahren die Erinnerung an die "guten Zeiten".
* sind authentisch.
* erkennen und anerkennen ihren Marktwert.
* erkennen und anerkennen den Wert und die Würde anderer.
* vermeiden unnötige Energieverluste.
* sind imstande, sich selbst zu beruhigen.
* streben danach, sich fortlaufend zu verwandeln.
* kümmern sich gut um sich selbst.
* schätzen den gegenwärtigen Augenblick. ⇑

⁹ Quotes on narcissim by Sam Vaknin ⇑

¹⁰ Tipps zur Vermeidung von "gefährlichen" Beziehungen
Erkenne dich selbst.
Erkenne die Warnsignale.
Bremse dich ein [entschleunige dich].
Halte deine Beziehung nur dann aufrecht, wenn beide Partner das Beste aus einander herausholen.
Halte deine Beziehung nicht geheim.
Konsultiere einen Mentor.
Kümmere dich in deinen eigenen vier Wänden um Beziehungsprobleme und sonstige Ärgernisse.
Durchdenke die anstehenden Angelegenheiten gründlich.
Lerne mit dem Älterwerden zurechtzukommen.
Stärke deine Integrität und bilde deinen Charakter aus.
Konzentriere dich auf intakte langfristige Ziele.
Nimm eine Kurskorrektur vor. ⇑

¹¹ Was Männer wirklich wollen und Frauen wissen müssen
* Männer sind Frauen ähnlicher als sie sich von ihnen unterscheiden.
* Männer wollen, dass Frauen die vorhandenen Geschlechterunterschiede verstehen und respektieren.
* Männer brauchen den vertrauten Umgang mit anderen Männern.
* Männer verzehren sich nach Frauen und haben zugleich Angst vor ihnen.
* Männer leider immer öfter unter Depressionen und sind stärker selbstmordgefährdet.
* Männer wollen eine gleichberechtigte Partnerschaft [mit Frauen], die auf Liebe, gegenseitiger Unterstützung und Akzeptanz basiert.
Artikel What Every Woman Needs to Know About Men [Was Frauen über Männer wissen müssen], präsentiert von der US-amerikanischen Männerinitiative The Good Men Project, Dr. Jed Diamond, US-amerikanischer Psychotherapeut, Autor, 14. Januar 2017 ⇑

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Beziehungstipps

Zitate zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Quotes on relationship advice

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General quotes

Quotes – Movie As Good As It Gets

Englische Texte – English section on Relationship advices

Part I: Basics of relationships – Jed Diamond

PART II: – Distinguishing healthy relationships from addictive relationships – Jed Diamond

Part III: – Groundwork for healthy relationships – Jed Diamond

Part IV: – Finding one's love partner – Jed Diamond

Part V: – Keeping love alive – Jed Diamond

Healthy love ⇔ 'Love' addiction – Jed Diamond

Gender differences research

Hardly known empirical data about gender differences – Jed Diamond

Empirical data on gender-specific brain differences – Louann Brizendine

Relationship data and concerns

Behaviors of long-term successful relationship partners

Four essential stages of a dating relationship

Dangerous relationships

Mature undivided love ⇔ immature divided romance

Taking up slow love – ending toxic low criteria relationships

Men shamed by women ♦ women frightened by men

Insights derived from 50 years of observing men

Women's concerns

Ten core values for evolving women

Ten reasons why deep women intimidate men and often remain single

Links zum Thema Beziehungstipps / Relationship advice

Literatur

Literature (engl.)

Externe Weblinks

Weblinks zum Thema Beziehungstipps – Quora

External web links (engl.)

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Audio and video links (engl.)

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